Wednesday, 31 August 2016

🔒Trigger Flashbacks and Panic

A trigger may be from deep feeling that you are not's impressed on your brain ...takes time to change those deep wrong beliefs about ourselves.
Trauma is like a burn on the brain..some heal better than others and use different ways to adjust.
Triggers set of a series of things different for each person. The pattern of flashbacks, perhaps seizure like symptoms, a body and mind in fight or flight.
In a normal persons lifetime the likelihood of each person alive having one is very high. I am not quoting numbers..look it Mental health issues have been hidden for years and it continues...answers and research and sharing are the help needed.
I had a panic attack last night.  I have medication but it went from zero to 100 in seconds..
My alters tried to handle as I am also physically unwell for some time and am weak.
Well..this morning I have a whacked head...Wee and them..this ride to help??...ended up hitting head on corner of high boy dresser.
Now I really am hurting...panic sometimes the least or worst of alternatives.
On the end. Panic is different for everyone..some have big flashbacks and loss of real time.  Can my moments or hours and with severe dissassocative disorder...days plus...

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Trauma and Disassociation Explained

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, dissociative and trauma disorders information


I have this sad feeling with me like a rock dragging on my heart...some days it is a pebble and somedays I cannot move because of its weight.
On days like this I work harder at sharing a smile or good words with others. It doesn't make the rock crumble does lighten it's weight.
Love, smiles and kindness lift myself up.

Monday, 29 August 2016

🔒Sensory Sensitive

The five senses of touch, taste, smell, sight, feel.
In my lifetime I have developed being extra sensitive to many things. Some are quite normal to many people.
As I have been writing I am piecing together the puzzle of who I am and perhaps why. In knowing I understand and can create or learn new coping skills. There are some things that just are.
Examples of sense plus an issue and maybe a why...;

~ taste, feel - I have texture often has nothing to do with the taste. I am unable to eat mashed potatoes, any condiments outside of cheese whiz or jam or maple ketchup, mustard, relish, mayo, salad dressing, slice tomatoes, onion only finely grated (love the taste can't have the onion pieces) Food issues are big for me. I remember that I felt I could live on chicken noodle soups since being small..note..some foods don't irritate my bum issue area ..some were forced on me in cruel ways ( not my mother, I could wait her out at the didn't know why I was picky)

~smell - dirty smell..dirt laundry, sticky counters or floors..any cleanliness really bothers me...(when dad wasn't well this would be his living conditions..she never he was better he was almost ocd)
One set of people he lived with for many years were in filth. I went every weekend. I have many issues from that time. Those sensory things got intense.

~ sight - child abuse movies or pictures, flashing lights can set me off, movies  (I have my own constant head noise a movie seems to absorb me and I start to panic..I also cannot focus on anything else), certain older model vehicles, my old homes ( one from childhood..the other from my marriage)...this list goes on with similar items, bright light, too dark with no light...etc

~hear - loud in too many different noises. Noise in head add each clinking, squeaky floors, footsteps, doors...
Likely heightened due to paranoia as well as internal head noise.

~feel - my hands are sensitive...I did soft tissue massage for many years I can feel very well. This also means I don't handle my hands dirty too. I am constantly washing...not ocd level but I carry wipes everywhere..I can't have dirty hands or face. I also am heat sensitive. (Being 45 means I have the hormone deal added to I can pass out. I  carry things to keep my temperature down. Hot can set off panic.
Feel is huge. It encompasses my crave for positive human touch. I am still figuring out why it is so strong it can make me cry..
My skin is greatly sensitive and manifests my stress.
I have also created many feel barriers of self protection. As a child I was tickled until I would pee myself..often. I am no longer ticklish. My body will not respond.
Feel. I  need real. When it comes to self satisfaction...often a no body knows real and knows safe. If not present...I have the equivalent to "blue balls ". Not happy 😑

There are many more things.
It is hard to speak it all in one go.
Please keep reading.
Thanks. You rock!

Saturday, 27 August 2016

3 day night day..night

I have been suffering undiagnosed abdominal plus back pain.trying to eat not going too good.
ER trip just tells me off to Gastroenterologist Speck...I am in line...wait
Suffer and wait
Tonight I  have pain down to  a 7/10 and that is the best I have been in days. Months of tummy trouble.
Self care is most important now.

Friday, 26 August 2016


Was at emergency afraid of hospital. I  switched there and Wee was out. Thank you papa for being there.
No results. In line for Gastrointestinal Specialist. So much fun...

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Fragments of Self

They used to call it Multiple Personality Disorder.  It is Dissassocative Identify Disorder today. Often goes hand in hand with trauma Posts Traumatic Stress Disorder. It happens as a defense mechanism. A blocking of memory...internalized...taken to a place where your brain can process. In time when it is early trauma the self will attempt to make sense of what it sees not understand..cannot handle. The self can become fragmented.  Over time these fragments of defense get stronger.  Particularly if we are unable to find new coping skills to help deter.
I have fragments. All me. All protection.  They feel..they think...over time have improved their strength and division of being true selves.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Mister "Weyner" 70's

I had forgotten about this wonderful man. Early in my life he was a special light. I did not see him often. He was elderly. Mr. "W" has long left this world but when he was here he touched mine.
Kind eyes...always had candies in his pockets.
His wife was gone, children grown..he liked to just have tea and visit. Loved to watch us kids play. I never understood that. He was just plain love. He had time and never chastised us. Actually encouraged us to explore his yard and play. Sit out with our parent and have tea..
Crazy right?!? Something wrong. I think he was almost..normal.

Monday, 22 August 2016

In life

Over and over
I died
My ashes
For life
To bloom


Sunday, 21 August 2016

Alter humour

Did you see them?
Which way are they going?
I must find them
I am their leader

Coping ~ Going out

On a daily basis I am tired. There is no relief at times...days of limited sleep and no deep REM. Night is a hard time for me. Not being able to see...fear. I cannot reason it away. Yes...I got busy...yes I suck it up buttercup..
The light of day comes. I fight the desire to have a long long nap...things to be done, people to see, places to go.
It is work to get ready. Remember everything a normal person does ...I have routine but I have to check and recheck.
Now back up plans a b c d e...comfort bag loaded...usually half the household...
Out the door quickly to car...all of 12 feet away from the front door.  in.
I am stressed and I  haven't even made it into the car.
In car windows open. Success. The car is an extension of me and also carries goodies I may require...should I need to cut a tree down or play in a puddle...perhaps a pillow for you??
I have my eye on the prize. 4 stops. List in hand. Money.
Check Check
Focused. Breathe.
Omg...who let the idiot drivers out today all at once..not now!
Focus. Stop one. Gas. Smokes. Extra drink..just in case...
Back to car.
Vroom. Sit. Breathe. Three to go.
I smile I can do this. Oh oh...hmmm....need a bathroom...right now!!! Too late...nope...check ...ok..tight cheeks to next coffee shop.
Stress release over....
Back in car. Vroom Vroom.  I am tired already. Boost drink box to replenish. Yes I have an extra. Check! Ok
Stop 2 goes easy. Thank you drive thru banking!
3...not so much. Having the sweats. Tummy hurts. Gotta get this stuff done. Keep going.
Pick up items plus something...but felt like I  couldn't remember the store set up. Felt lost. Did each isle twice. Or more for some. Yes lady I am going in I am not looking for anyone.
Ok okokok breathe. Finish. Lineup. Oh fk. Is that an old lady right at the cash with her girlfriend behind her both with coupons AND change purses. Just stay put. Lines all full. Breathe. Thank of a song. I am humming. I am smiling. I feel I am going to puke...breathe. Mint.
Finally pay and out. Rain starting. Nice.
Haven't been out in days and it's raining.
Stop four and home. All is good's that ahead? Jeez us! Road work plus accident. Turn around.
No that was the planned route. I want the planned route. Turn around. Tears. DO NOT CRY. I have mascara on. Not waterproof...for that exact reason. Do not cry or you will have a mess.
Turn around.
Beep. Beep. I am going man!
Think new route. In head mapsearch in progress. Pay attention to the roads. Next right. Then right. Then right. Ok. On track. Made a square. Know my north south east and west baby!
Stop four.
One item. I cannot find but my arms are full of other things. Some I don't need ever...geez...tired
Wallet in the car and I am at the till.
Run to car
Get wallet
I am idiot. Blush flush
Car. So close to home. Almost there.
In driveway. Whooohoo
I forgot smokes. I  gotta quit. Not today. I  can't go back out.
Make those two last....
Beat now. Want to  lay down and die. Feel sick.

Friday, 19 August 2016


Ancient vases cracks revealed their greatest beauty and true strength

They stood the tests of times yet still functional...and from the dust if earth their beauty shone

Cracks never leave they only reveal truth of experience

Morning comes

I am awake this morning. I feel I got some sleep. Not enough but I am more rested than usual. Unfortunately someone ate something during the night that has given me stomach and bowel pain. It's a bathroom party for one. 😣
I am feeling otherwise happy and calm. Has been weeks coming. I hope the no sleep pattern is broken. It is hard to think, concentrate, on my best of days. I know that I am hypervigilant and sensitive to external input when I am with people or in mall or coffee shop etc. I already have noise in my head so the added sensory exposure can cause me an overload. Zappo I go down from it. My brain shuts down. My body gets exhausted as well. I
When this happens I will lay down and try to nap. I like quiet so I may put headphones on. (SometimesI can't wear them because it causes me to be paranoid that I can't hear if anyone is coming) Catch 22.
I have great hopes for some productivity today. I have a painting I am working on. I want to do some writing. I also have a good book I want to get into.
Wishes for a wonderful day.
Love to my readers!

Thursday, 18 August 2016

The comfort bag

Everywhere I go I take a bag. Usually size of a school backpack. I take all the things that I may need should I find myself in emotional distress. I always have things that appeal to the other parts of me too. Wee likes a stuffed animal. She has always had a she has many to pick from. From little Sesame Street characters that fit in her hand (she rubs on her face to settle herself ) to a large stuffed bear she calls Gunther...three favorites are that and monkey named coco and a long necked bear called Goober...
Maddy likes the adult colouring books so I take those things in the comfort bag.
I carry medicine, wet wipes, spare set of clothes plus sweatshirt, glitter stick to distract myself, phone charger, meal supplement bar and drink, thermos bottle of hot water (soothes insides). I also have phone and paper contact list of support people. Sometimes I put more in..not often less.
I take my comfort bag if I am going more than 20 minutes away from home...sometimes I take it just to get gas in my car.
My car has a lot of comfort items permanently carried in it.
I like to be prepared
I know self care
A comfort bag



Tuesday, 16 August 2016

War Inside

If I were a war military veteran that would be seen as a hero in deserve.
I got my cpp pension after fighting for it with medical reports after 3 plus years.
I had worked and filed taxes dice I was old enough. I got the percentage I put in. Early cpp disability. It isn't enough to rent an apartment in my community. A room and food not much else.

I am a warrior. I am working everyday to keep Alive. I have a simple lifestyle.

My war was environtally. Abuse of all kinds. I have a loving family and friends. Love helps and they help financially if they can. Help me...but we aren't rich in money.
And I often feel inside me that I am a burden to them and society.
I had war. No orphanage or csa or sent abroad to face atrocities. I still battled. I still do.
I seek not pity. I seek understanding. I am my own hero....


I believe gods house has many levels.
I believe that abuse comes from a place of illness of some kind...
I believe that forgiveness frees me
My demons chase me. I  chose to live days forward. I share my story because my past finds me. I battled many years. It manifests when you don't be true to yourself.
I forgive others. That is my heart.
I have more trouble forgiving self.
More trouble forgiving ignorance.
I was raised Catholic...forgiveness for me is letting go...

Rain me

The rain on the window
Matched tears on my cheeks
Streaked release
Built up
Now pours down
The gods
Hear me

Really tired

2 years this month dealing with butt wonder I am not well

Monday, 15 August 2016

Health today

Got a call to go see my doctor. Have not been feeling good and trouble in different areas. End result of visit:

Down 4 more pds since visit in June...calories need to be more. Doctor happy about getting what I can in. With full supplement diet as well.
Sending to Gastrointestinal Specialist to have checked. Wait for appointment.
Meantime Panteloc prescribed.

Skin issue. New rash on elbow may be from stress. Could be from MASH hospital trip...looks like contact dermatologic reaction...trial special cream and see first. If it does not clear. Will be refered to dermatologist.

My bum. The trip to Toronto hospital discussed. I am being sent to see local General Surgeon for follow up and check about nerve bulge....wait for appointment.

Blood in urine last three tests...could be one of a thousand things or nothing.
First ultrasound and appointment with Urologist. Wait for appointments.

Go give another urine sample at lab this week.

What a day.
Went shopping with my visiting friend. After appointment.  Have been ready for bed since I can't sleep.

What a day.

Sunday, 14 August 2016


Back to local Doctor about dropping weight..unable to eat without stomach and bowel pain. Been living on supplements of protein bars, meal replacement drinks, soluable fiber and whatever I can force in.
Been a physical battle that also is emotionally draining. Am really tired and feeling like a human testing ground for weird illnesses..physical and mental.
On my roller coaster wear your helmet and full body armour. This is war.

Busy brain

So much on my mind. Great friend here visiting and helping me get through aftermath of hospital.
Lots happening in my world. Turmoil in my head...not helping for sleep.
Today I had a little panic attack. It didn't last long but I had to take meds to get calm.
I am having flashbacks. Flashing memories are evil. So real. Then I tend to dissassocate more.
Been tough days but pushing forward.
Still watching for the rainbow.

Friday, 12 August 2016

Today August 12

Very tired. Good day. Self care required.

Hospital Anxiety

And now I bare my soul
The depth of
My being

I am pretty rough. MASH trip has set off flashbacks. I don't feel good. I am switching lots because of butt pain. I also have a sore...perhaps forgot my latex allergy!!!!
Love to all sending well wishes
Enjoy my poem.

Thursday, 11 August 2016


Bad hospital trip
Bad Doctor
Screwing with what is the truth
Lost records so Doctor covering her tracks
Burden of proof  -  mother....she is a silencer
Mother puts down other support people
Keeping control
No wonder we never told about rape and sodomy and other abuse
Burden of proof....


Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Something new

When I miss time...even briefly..often in some way part of me ( alter) will communicate. I often don't see right away. Some of the time the note or message will come again.
They figure out technology and ways to find things...or go around me..
Anyway today I got a message via a draft on my blogging spot. It wasn't published.
But it was funny. I have been losing weight and my bloodwork could be better..etc. Having a lot of trouble eating so doing best and added supplements.
This was funny...

Lily is drinking coffee mate for calories. Rotflmao

Monday, 8 August 2016

2 year battle

Stressed. Medicated. Sunnybrook. My bum....AGAIN. Not that spot. Nerve bulge now. Painful. Triggering me.
My doctor worried about the mental effects.  Me too. Way too many things on my plate in physical and mental...
Blog on...

Saturday, 6 August 2016

🔒Left Behind

You said you loved me. You would look after me. I loved you. We were a team. I  would do anything...anything for you. Years of believing. Believing we were in love. Lovers. You taught me how to make out. You showed me how to please you. Give a proper blow job..use my tongue.. Practice makes perfect...years. Did you finally successfully penetrate my vagina. It hurts but I will not cry...
Not enough
Not enough
Traded for your friends sister. You knew it was going to left me...time after time with him.
My protector, my lover, my team...gone. Forever.
On my own.

🔒The drunk talks...

The pungent smell of alcohol oozes from his skin. It doesn't wash off. On a binge. His eyes are red and he is talking...then yelling. Gets up..paces..sits down.
Coffee table...the glass, his change and a guitar pick from his pocket. He is angry.
It's at his waist.
On the table.
Spin spin
He's laughing but it isn't funny.
We don't talk.
I have already peed my undies are wet.
Don't cry. I won't cry.
I am little.
Mom not there.
Spilled metal things.
He is loading.
Watch. Watch. He wants us to see.
He means it.
Someone is going to pay.
Wrecked everything.
Spin spin
Don't cry. I won't cry.

Friday, 5 August 2016

Remember to skip parts

This is about a partner to someone who disassociates. Some of it may ring true even if you are a friend or family to someone like me. Some I can relate to. Some insurance stuff I skip. And Canadian medical system different from other countries.
Take it with a grain of salt if you find this link

The Significant Other's Guild to Dissociative Identity Disorder

Thursday, 4 August 2016

This song ~ Because of You

Kelly Clarkeson - Because of you

I don't know if the link will come up.
My mother has her own trauma and we don't discuss our stuff. She is over protective...Way Too Controlling....paranoid..
This song makes me think of her. I think of what she came out of...really a story like this does make sense.
Out of her fears...she held me and still does in that place of clipped wings.
I still love her to the moon and back.

I fell in love. I got married..

I told some things about my marriage to Jeep to a friend tonight.
I never have spoken about it other than in therapy...that I  know of.
It is hard to speak. I loved him with all I had. When things were going good we were so happy...I did struggle. In many ways he did as well. After all we had met when I was in Alanon and he was in AA
I was 19.

It was from Oct 3 1992 - separated officially January 2004 - divorced final August 2007.

I am hoping said friend can write some of the rest????? Hey P. ☺

Wee and TV

National geographic
Animal planet
She is preparing for the world war....learning about plants and making fire and building a trapper Shack and making snares....worries...always has learned something about bush living including how to do a pelt....hmmm...not
Food channel - teaching herself some easy things to cook and Where To Eat..
Dumb cartoons - nope - no moral to the story
The news - was getting to be a problem so she is currently cut off watching...
Wheel of Fortune - where is Bob
Jeapardy - hard but she will watch if here...with mama and papa D

She has no little people. She is around older people. No sibs. No friends of her time...she gets confused. She gets lonely and sad. She time travels back to 1975...they are ok. There are still here but just not right now...

Am I called host

I do truly hope that you can try to understand that outside of safest of today people and safe house none of alters are out blatantly anytime..they feel me...they feel for trouble signs in the body and then peek to decide who goes. Again...since they have come this I have learned over time second hand.
I AM the fkn host. I was here first and almost always if I can.
People don't understand. I fight judgement and rejection and new life rules because they are now known to exist ....were always there but different as they were evolving.
Patience grasshopper...we are still learning about Self.
I am April. Don't be questioning that I am capable of doing things now...there are 5 of me and only (for most) one of you!

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

You let me go

Not enough

When wee first came out

Technology - long way from 1975 to now. She got fully out in 2006 ..I can only relay what I have been told ..
She was fascinated by the skinny TV, a machine that spit out paper pictures and such (printer/copier) different food, a gazillion channels and no bunny ears and tinfoil. What is this square thing that buzzes and makes noise (she shook it and looked it all over and pressed all the buttons on my cell phone)
Everything was different. And she wasn't with mama and sibs...what about kindergarten....her friends...who lived in this place (my house) was it a "safe house" and the other people Gaurds????Very confused. All these new machines she started to learn. She had time...

Lady in the mirror - there is a Gaurd that lives in the walls (at my house) and she was watching because she could see her in the mirrors. She was following Wee so she must be a body gaurd. She didn't see HER face and didn't yet think or know she was in a 'big body'. When panic happened to her she would scratch body and bend and squeal etc. She wondered about where that lady was. "Some body gaurd"
She loved the Gaurds though. Mama C
and the friend one Beans.

At night when she got scared and wouldn't wake either she would hide in the closet. Thank goodness for a walk in as I woke there many times....when it was more storage than closet was interesting to be up on boxes or piles of things add blanket and pillows.  Stuffed animals a must...and the dog. (Note: Blazer was the best dog and he just rolled with it all).

With Wee out and me hearing about things. I really thought they were making it up. Pulling my leg. I was still physically ill so I wasn't sure what was going on. I had been panicking all my life in different ways. Early on I literally passed out. Especially at church. Then I  couldn't sleep over and would vomit when night came..
And I never got good at sleepover anywhere all my life to date. (I will talk about the coping and a Comfort Bag another time). Later panic got worse and I didn't know I had been compartmentalizing these events and developing fragmented selves.
Wee was calling mama often. Thinking she was still in 'Orange carpet' 1975 but this safe house had lots of fancy stuff.

Ok..long blog. Enough for tonight.
Smile and laugh is better than crying.

Disassociation Diverse

List of my many high school activities...a variety of interests that now make sense considering the disassociating.

-sports: gymnastics
                 Soccer  (was on boys    
                 girls team then...)
                 Alpine skiing
                 Cross country skiing
4H club
Junior Achievement
Student council
Chess club
MADD club
Camera club
Drama club

I was busy. I guess between myself and the sides that present...we have a huge variety of interests. And yes...our life, belongings, styles of clothes etc...fill my space.


I beedweeisayhievribodee
Tankyouferredin about us
You beedhapy
I givdyosawlbigisthugsansmils

I Freaked

Was not a great day. I did my will.
I have been struggling with my physical health. I feel a deep need to prepare. I don't want anyone left to deal with it without it easy. Decisions.
I have no children and no partner. I had a plan but it isn't to I had a lot on my mind.
Short story of it
Panic on way to lawyers. Flashbacks started. I got my friend on speaker phone. I am trying to focus. I just want to make the office.
It gets fuzzy after I pulled in. I puked. I had to get help...thanks to nephew!!!
Will done .
Am so tired.

Tuesday, 2 August 2016

Staying alive

Ah ah ah ah...stayin alive

Throughout my life I have had some difficulty wanting to continue this journey. I get tired. So tired. Incredibly tired. The body doesn't get enough sleep. Enough hours together to have REM. My brain head feels busy. Bouncing in thoughts.
I have of things going on with my physical brain is on overload.
Was not getting sleep. Getting more I'll. 
Am on home hospitalization...that is medicate it away til stable.
MASH  is Wednesday.  Then a different Doctor about my weight loss continuing  ...on the Monday.
Full plate.
I am out.
Thanks for reading folks !

Being Me

You will not take my power away from me. I will not stop for ignorance. I remember to temper my words...but I will not let you put me back in the closet.
I now know what it feels like to feel the harsh ignorance a person faces when they summon up the courage to be who they truly are.

Monday, 1 August 2016


I don't know.
Taking flack
Now you know
Now you treat me different
The closet was safer
Telling has hurt more
It was good
Then went very bad
Time off
Was trying to help
Was hoping to educate
I made a new friend
But now I am a freak
You won't have me in your home
I might switch
Be 5
I used to watch your kids
You didn't know
Now you do
Feeling shame
Once again
Doctor I press on
Change my people
Run away
Run away
I can't
You know
More tears
So tired
I beg
For release

Safe people

If any one of my alters contacts you feel privileged. They don't expose themselves freely. Only safe people. Almost always it will be Wee. She is truly in 'her time'. 4 going on 5 right now.
They all have secrets even I don't know. They have lived in fear so they don't share their life. "Time travelling".
I am writing this blog with their blessings. How do I know? We communicate on paper, text from me to me. Notes. They each put a check mark yes to talk about them.
They are bright. They are kind...unless you hurt one of us...or if you piss one off. They feel. I don't know what they think or do. I deal with aftermath often. And they delete things so I may not have a clue what is going on.
I was planning to have a cheap holiday.  I don't have money. I save and save and save. I am not able to have a job. I miss time. I have anxiety to panic. This is not a pleasure cruise. But it's My Ride! I make the best of it.
So not safe where I was going to go. New plan.
I know you are either reading this to learn about mental illness like mine, your curious, your my friend/family and some are do understand or you are trying or maybe you can relate. Anyway you read just know I am me. Big April aka Pami. They let you know who they are if they can. If it's in panic none of us communicate well. It's like a seizure.
I ask you to be kind. They mean no harm. In today...they want only to be loved and give love.
What happened to 'friend' last night they didn't delete.
They wanted to introduce themselves. They thought you were safe. I have a list but sometimes they forget the rules.
So when you said;

"I do not want to hear about your sex things that is private" in text Wee didn't understand. You told her that is a private conversation...
You called the phone. She was excited. We may come visit....

I am perplexed.

Maddy let her talk to you. Maddy was upset and she told you why...

I am ME
We are we.
I cannot change this today
But I won't hide anymore
Roll with it.
Open your mind
Treat me like a mood ring....
I change but I am still me.