Friday, 2 June 2017

Physical and Mental Health..Living Me

Some of you know me. Many of you don't.
I am curently living with Anal Cancer that is ongoing.
I have a great deal of difficulty with managing on little sleep. As my alters/parts are on different agendas in one body...disassociation (DID) has a vast array of struggles.
We are all trying to cope. There is pain and discomfort. We don't feel well most days. I am not in chemo or radiation at this point as I am supposed to have surgury for another growth.
This week the surgeon wanted to send me back to the specialist in Toronto. I could not believe he would even mention her name considering I think of her as the butcher...👀
When hell freezes over.
Not ever, ever, ever again.
I went back to the oncologist that same day. We discussed this. Yep. New Surgeon.
I am out of my mind with this endless nightmare.
So....how do I get through day to day?
With limited energy I have some out time and lots of easy time.
I try to nap. But it does not always happen despite the exhaustion I feel.
My mind is wanting to process information...searching for cancer solutions...solutions for my very irritated stomach and bowel. Fun stuff!😝
I want to do all these wonderful mindfulness and stay in the moment ...
Often I am beyond that. I cannot. I breathe and breathe.
Emotions. Like my parts. Scatterred and prone to popping all over ... just the whole gambut. From pure silliness to dark anger to...yes the nasty S word...thoughts of wanting out. I do seek help when there. I know me. I use my doctor, therapist, friends crisis lines...reach out..a thought not an act.
This is an HPV related cancer. The carrier didn't know but the circumstances around how I was exposed to this STD and this particular strain are ...difficult for me.
I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time...
I got it. For me it turned. Been pre - cancer to Cancer. Removed. Waiting. A new growth. Waiting. (Near 3 yrs of this)
I slap my own head.
It is just often a " I can't fuckin' believe this is happening..."
So many thoughts...no words.
How do I feel about my body? Ohhhhhh. Let's not go there... It was a therapy question.
Honestly. It makes me cry. I asked today for some help with how I can work on this. My self esteem, my sense if self, my sexuality, self care...it is a process. I am not the me I was...
But I am...
No...
Yes..
Not the same....
The back and forth is awful feeling. I know I have to look into me. The answers are there. I need help to find. So..I have homework. 😏
While I Wait I will learn and I will get stronger in myself. This can only help me. And it does hurt and it will often suck. I know the payoff.
My body can't heal without the help of the mind...

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