5 Alive

Over and over I am in nightmares. I am trapped. I cannot be freed. I am in mental ward at the hospital. ...I was... Almost 2 weeks there. A month later I am not past it. I bundle tight and have pillows around me. A stuffed animal. A warm bean bag. Earplugs. I get in  the fresh made bed ... I cannot go to sleep. Dark has always been hard. Now it is so much worse. New med added but I seem to fight it. The hospital stay changed how safe I feel. I am not myself. I have more anger. I have aweful anxiety. I am depressed. Stressed.

I feel alone. I feel abandoned I feel angry I feel stuck in a life I can no longer handle the coping. My physical body I cannot connect with. I do not want to be in it. Fresh start. I wish.

I am doing the "time" for a crime I didn't commit. Physically and emotionally have been taken past my line. My life a shambled mess. Run free you all do. I carry the bag from past and future. Today is work. Coping daily a chore. Pain in my body. Pain in my heart. Where are you? Free

I had a meltdown October 12th. I was in suicide mode. My search for proper treatment has been long and has hit walls or been awful to experience. I have hpv related Anal cancer. The costs are high. Financially...many things are not covered. Yes. This is Canada. The system, for me, is broken. I fell through the cracks. Not one doctor treats all..or even more than one thing. Sores on my butt for 3 yrs never touched til I hit the suicide room. The cell they keep you in while assessing you. New spots that are not on the spot that has been cut multiple times. Not my area each doc said....been passed around like a baton no one wants. I searched for my own specialist. Got referred. My wait in pain was to be 6 months!! NO WAY The last time I was left that long with spot like this it was cancer. I know pre cancer present and was being vigilant about keeping an eye on things. I am not a doctor. I was done. No more ability to advocate for myself. My mental state fractured. The repe