5 Alive

Doing the best I can with what I have.  Ever changing yet not, I am trying to live in my world. I am not one. It is We. Dissociative Identities.  This 'host'...Me...is overwhelmed by our buziness and life stuff.  We have far too many balls to juggle - folks dementia - recent deaths -moved - making new safe home - creepy neighbour - friendship losses - butt pain (surviving Anal Cancer) - hip problem - poverty at Christmas - building remodelling daily noise - big anxiety - big tears Everything changes.  Too much at once is very hard navigating. As 5 we find ourselves very scattered. A dissociative system in disharmony is incredibly draining for one body.  Distraction is a good coping tool at times. We also need rest, it is illusive right now. We cook, bake, clean, draw, write, move things, reorganize, paint, draw, advocate, try yo do the Christmas things.... We look for more support, more coping skills and more safe people.  Finding we slip into agoraphobia easily, we force ourse

Tree add water Sea monkeys plus water Drops Grow Harden dormant  but still there Grow Some don't grow A bit of a defect....they are still there. Duds. They were supposed to expand! In childhood that was disappointment. Learned early not to expect. It wasn't only sea monkeys. Honestly they were the least of my worries.

A 'Rock' is a person we feel we can absolutely count on. A respected and gracious 'go to' that knows us well. Someone who understands mental defence mechanism. PTSD with DID and severe anxiety being our prevalent mental illnesses.  We don't know how to cope with losses.  Friends leave. People move on. People die. Reality. A long period of few supports, no life partner, add the losses of our 'Rocks' is devastating to us.  It is not a want. It is need. Security outside this body.  The traumas of being abused and abandoned...the childhood that lingers...we have attachment and trust issues. Things, places and people we recognize as SAFE.  Find within,  many tell us.  We are 5....5 Alive. That isn't how it can be..not simple by any stretch. (You can't rationalize with a five year old 'time traveler') #DIDproblems. We are learning our strengths. We work to find what may become new life rocks. We feel so unsure and vulnerable.  Just hold on for the

As a coping mechanism disassociation with firm alters can be funny at times. I spend some of my time in a state of anxiety and fear thus alters get more active. I am tired and vulnerable so an alter may be trying to ease My burden by being present. I do not have conscious connection with my alters..in words or action. Formethe times of them out and active are a Blackout period. This can be seconds or minutes..hours to days. What I learn is from seeing changes in my environment or from what someone else tells me. Some things alters write to me or voice record etc. This blog is dedicated to some of the funny things I figure out...or wake to.. The Funny Things I suppose it depends on what you define as ‘funny’. I was diagnosed as Disassociative at 36. It had never been apparent. Alters tend to blend or hide. They are protectors for me. Having created a place for a time of abuse to be shelyered in my mind…over time growing in their responsibilty to care for this body. Me. We

I wrote to you.  It was so long ago.  My heart poured out so fast. In words I had emptied into a jar I had sealed and hid away. Things I stowed not to say. I wrote to you.  Unhindered words. The deads we'd done. You had yours. I had mine. We parted ways. Both in pain.  I wrote to you.  I had lost my way. Without a harbour to settle in safely I floated adrift.  My seas were filled with storms. Winds had blown up from beyond. I had no strength to paddle alone to safety. Seeking a rock to tether myself to. Hoping the storms would pass. I wrote to you. Much from Us had left it's mark. Some from you. Some from me. Together then parted...tearing apart our history. You knew my story. A life distraught. I had found peace time and again. In Us I found living. My breathe was free.  Til you silenced me.  I wrote to you.  Shut away the love. You strayed to another. Secrets hidden. Perhaps I was naive to think your heart held firm. My resolve to take what crumbs you threw no longer fed my r

We come into this world fairly unfettered and a fresh slate. From outside ourselves we are molded in some ways. People, environment; society.  Many of us have the things we have learned early...it is a choice to unlearn and make new. Can't change what was. Can do something about what is. Chosing to do the hard stuff to face. Telling your story when you have Dissociative Identity Disorder is really difficult. My life being as fragmented as my psyche. As a system we are working through our history and putting our life pieces together. It is both painful and freeing.  All of this work takes time and emotional effort. At times we need to break. It is finding some balance in working toward a healthy mind. Not perfect by any stretch. We press on. 

Watch for me In your dreams The niggling thoughts Of uncertainty Self dismantle  Ego squeezed Of value For I am Yesterdays words Hurled you saved Negativity ~A.R.* Assets  None To count With  Purpuse  Devine None needed Free love Flow Out Rich heart ~A.R.* Floating in my head Thoughts swirl Surreal moments Flash past The days Long gone Reality skewed ~A.R* The world Just now Darkness hovers In depths unknown Within my heart A sliver luminates Bright ember glow The fire of Hope ~A.R.* Cautious feet Gently tread Ears alert For sounds Of warning Nature's calls To flee Eyes wildly Search For safety Found soon For haven Wild world Shut out ~A.R.* Shredded in thoughts A lifetime jumbled The puzzle pieces Tossed like salad No reasoning ~A.R.* Wicked woman Slight wisp of smile Luring dark eyes Follow her unknown Blazing trail Set fire To life Or be stung  By her  Scorpian tail ~A.R.* The world Just now Darkness hovers In depths unknown Within my heart A sliver luminates Bright ember glow T

Morning is here and we wake. Yet the haze of sleep keeps hoovering. The dream half there and pulling me to return.  Sleep eludes us. We are a group upended. ( DID ) One piece of past truth can blow a world of lies apart. Our life.  We are not able to see clearly. No amount of cafeine will clarify what we now untangle. A web of deceit.  An elephant to hide the elephants. A rug stadium size cannot contain this circus chain.  Our thoughts scatter only to rejoin as a puzzle undone that begins to come together. "You cannot tell" Ah, there be the rub in the wound.  A lifetime of silence to be continued. Censored by a reality of what could happen if allowed to see light. In the darkness, again. We sit and contemplate. 

The winds are blowing. Snow swirls against the window. It is a night for snuggling up.  My mind cannot settle. I can only describe it as loud.  My thoughts against a backdrop of a large vent going on in the background.  Noisy but I can distinguish nothing in particular.  My head aches. Life has been challenging to say the least.  Being strong is wearing. Need to just drop out and disappear for a bit from my world.  Escape comes in many forms. But being 5 Alive with DID means being Here is ...work.  Too many things overlapping. It's not the weather. It is not 'the Season'. It is being with the people and things that are hrre and just going far too fast.  I wish I had a shut off or pause button. Now that would be magic!!  For now it is a day. And tomorrow will be another....

(Psychology Today, NAMI sources) Trauma makes grief harder to resolve. Whether or not the trauma is simple or complex, it will reduce the effectiveness of one’s stress management systems in the brain, which can only impair one’s ability to manage grief. This impairment can be temporary (such as in the case of single trauma occurring to an adult), or sustained (as is likely in the case of complex trauma occurring in childhood). The latter is a special problem because it tends to cause developmental damage to the brain, specifically to parts of the nervous systems normally involved in managing and moderating feelings[4].Trauma always has in it loss, and that invariably leads to grief. Traumatic events disrupt the normal flow of life, and the result is NOT an improvement. If one’s memory of the trauma remains traumatic, the disruption continues and may even enlarge, resulting in ever growing loss, for which a debt of grief will be paid at some point.Trauma itself may centrally be about lo

You may not understand but where we lived was the best and most horrid of lives as a child. It was also a safe haven for some time. In it two people we consider rocks in our lives. Always depenable in the hardest of times.  Returning turned bad. Quickly we lost ourselves. We lost respect. We lost the haven and lived in 'the dungeon'. Distressing moreso was that we were losing our Rocks. They were aging. Fast.  A move was inevitable. It came.  It isn't perfect. Life isn't fabulous. It is different. Today we are making this our safe home. Our haven.

If you don't have DID this may make no sense to you. With PTSD, dealing with loss of any kind can be a longer and more trying process than it is for those without the Disorder.  Add Dissociative Identity Disorder and grieving gets extremely complicated. For this body there are 5. We vary in age, experiences, perspectives and mindsets. As with anything We are not always on the same page. We do not manuever life the same nor at the same pace.  To us the Integration sits in how We can operate together in a uniform manner.  Unfortunate for now the Host cannot hear the 'Alter'/'Others/Parts. This is due to her own traumatic moments with a schizophrenic.  Back to grieving.  We have losses. Recent deaths of an 'Aunt'  Now the death of an Uncle.  We as One grieve. Individually one is very sad, one is angry, one is not aware, one disliked the man.  This is causing distress in how we function. Our ways to deal with this busy but scattered in what is happening when. We hav

Wonderous world Curious soul Eyes I see You and me Days to battle Days to learn Moments of laughter In darkness Hold hands ~A.R.* Laced tight Bound With speed Energy expelled In stints  Like fits Comfort found Shoes carried Mind twists Away Til stillness Calmed Fretted soul ~A.R.* Craving freedom Hardship hurdles Bound forward Burning tears Brushed aside To see my way ~A.R.* Years went past Horror and chance Terror and love She carved a way To free her spirit Experience known Shared in trust For others A must She no longer hides ~A.R.* Little by little It takes them Skin and bones To where Unknown Weighted heart Whirl of life Destiny known An end comes Slow and grim I lose My lived one Mind to body Forever gone ~A.R.* Tears streaming Stand tall Wobbly legs Fear in sadness Changes quick Life yanked Away so soon Prepare  It's time Another love A heart Stops beating To knees  I fall ~A.R* Young on this earth Yet wise beyond Struggling soul Heart yet large Desired to share The story of

I finally got my move. It happened really fast...as geared to income does here. Waited painfully long. My life not good there. I am now in my new place. Currently everything feels upside dow. Half unpacked. Still deciding what goes where. Waking in an unfamiliar place. Getting to know just my way around the building and where recycling goes etc. has been big adjusting. With DID my parts are doing the same and we all are feeling displaced in ways. The norm of known is gone. We are alone with our little dog. It will take time for each to find their place as my 'system'. It will also be a bit for the anxiety to ease. In the midst of this I have pulled the ligaments at my right hip. In this packing and lifting (on top of repeated surgery hip problem), plus a bad twist ...then a header fall off a cedar chest ( yes I was going too fast )....well this body is hurting really bad. I have so much to do and I just cannot. I can hardly weight bear on my right leg. I feel somew

First off...I hate roller coasters. I been there, done that. Got the badges of those I faced. No more. I only went due to peer pressure. I am the keeper of the stuff now. Find me on a bench. So this life can super suck. It is full of ups and downs. Some experiences are so joyous one would think they'd burst with happiness. Others shattering. I have had about a month of the fast, out of control, lifecoaster. Bad new -  Call from SC Housing that says my priority wait  (already been 2 yrs) likely be as much more to hold on for a move. Stuck in toxic environment. Good news - My Anal Cancer is in remission and I have 6 months free ftom Oncology. Bad news - Aunt Joan dies unexpectedly. Bad news - Saw the ex-husband ( hadn't seen the Gambling man 12 yrs) and had a meltdown. My life being poor and hard. Good news - I don't know who pulled what strings but I have housing. Move 2 weeks. Short notice but wow. Bad news - severe cold 10 days and still going... Bad news - fl

I am in the middle of a fast pack. I finally got safe housing. A nice one bedroom apartment. I have to move within 2 weeks as when they call...you go now. No wait. Little notice. Problem. DID 5 persons one body. There is only so much We can do. First we have the cold from hell. (Day 12 and it is getting better). Push too hard and coughing fit then the hots. Yesterday a fiasco at the folks was water in the basement. Sprung a leak. A flood and a massive mess. Unprepared and scrambling to stop the leak then clean up the big mess. Today....my leg/hip is in screaming pain and I cannot weight bear on that leg. Meantime I am laid up. We are 5 but we have one body. We can only do so much. The body is almost 49. Been through too much surgery and those hips are in bad shape already. We cannot be the One that takes on these big tasks. Fortunate to have a friend here that helped with the flooding. A huge job. Now that person isn't feeling good. I feel aweful to have caused this to

About the Author John Dickson - After a suicide attempt in 2014, John learned that he suffered with depression and, more recently, bipolar disorder. He live with these conditions, undiagnosed, since his teens. On Twitter you can find him as @zelandroid009. He blogs at https:/the3ofme.ga. John is my friend. Go With the Flow If you're reading this post you've already met April. You've been introduced to her alters and you've learned of her history. I’m sure that you’ll agree with me that April is a unique and strong woman, filled with vitality and light. She is, without a doubt, one of the most resilient people I know. April brings light into the room. And when she leaves the room, the resulting loss of light is felt by everyone. When she retreats within herself, that loss of light is felt by her alters. I tell you this because it was this light that first captured my attention on Twitter and then on 5 Alive, April’s blog. Her story is a difficult one that she shares

7 yrs and my first remission. So happy.I am in remission!!! Lots of damage is the pain but I am cleared for 6 months. This is first totally clear check in 7 yrs. HPV related anal cancer just sucks. As all cancers do! Yes. After almost 7 yrs I am officially in Remission. It is a fantastic word. A freedom for 6 months from oncology and pokes and prods etc is awesome. What does it mean? Honestly, we don't know. For today it means no cancer cells are detected or active. I am well aware that Anal Cancer takes many routes. Having hpv related means I will always have hpv with break risk that can turn to tumors. I take my six months with a grain of salt. I will do everything to enjoy the free days.

Dancing in the window In a downtown pub Alone on the floor Singing words to a song I used to know Feeling the past Like an afterglow The music plays on Long after I go For now I sway And dance alone ~A.R.* Ugly head Noxious spew Judging harsh Demeaning words Illusion switch Dementia visited Person morphed Unknown being Lost original In their mind Anger resides Jekyll Go hide ~A.R.* Crashing waves Over jagged rock Carving its way Layers softened By water strength Tumbled glass Pieces edgeless Shores sea glitter In sand Timeless ~A.R* Whisper your secrets Wrapped together I will hold them tight Your dreams and tragedies Say them in the night Darkness the cover And promises kept Entwined between us ~A.R.* Another leg Journeyed long Baggage bundled Looking for peace Out of pieces Weathered Into carried Stories ~A.R.* Whisper your secrets Wrapped together I will hold them tight Your dreams and tragedies Say them in the night Darkne

Quite a long time ago I participated in a workshop. In it one thing I took away, and still use, is Visualization. A guided one that you can follow along is helpful. There are even apps on devices that can be good. I am able to make up my own. Sometimes I think I should record them even just for my own use. I find visualizing guided mediation can help me calm. Often it can shift my perspective as well. The feeling of peace seems to come with this distractive tool. To try it - get a comfortable position and try to be unfurled. A bit of a star position so unclasped hands, arms away from sides, knees not touching. - quiet area so no distraction. Earplugs or headphines may help - breathe slow and deep I use square breathing which is count 4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 pause Feel it open your lungs. - focus in relaxing each part of your body Imagine silver light swirling down and releasing tensiin from the top of your head, down your face and neck, shoulders to the tips of your fingers, c

Relationships are difficult to say the least. I feel over my lifetime my heart has been through the shredder. I realize love and loss go hand in hand. This is life. The hard things are things like broken trust, abuse, abandonment, tragedy, and so forth. The healing can take forever, if it can be found at all. I am going to be 49. I have many life issues. Healing and healing. How scarred over is my heart to true love? Being DID is just one added issue. Love is a hard thing for We. Us. Life...

There are days I can hardly stand myself. Jittery, anxious, with feelings of confusion. My life situation seems stuck. Finding gratitude in the small things gets harder each day. Trapped in body. Trapped in location. Options minimal and not great. Distract. Deflect. Defer. I try my best to stay in just the now.

I pressed back the tears. Swallowing difficult with sawdust mouth. There were no words to say. Life can be unfair. Life can be tragic. Memories flooded me as I watched the three elders commiserate. Sitting close together as if in a world only they shared. In some ways our generational gap made me outside of their tales. Some we shared. On this day I could only sit back and observe. I am losing them. Time is not on their side. Their minds less sharp. Their bodies failing them. I could see the gambut of emotions on this visit. My own rolled down my cheeks in solitude. Not wanting them to see how much pain I was feeling. Safe people. The cottage...my safest place on earth. Time not on our side. I feel the crushing fear of tomorrows. No. I am not blood. Related by marriage. From 4 yrs old these people have represented my safety rocks. I struggle to cope. Grieving as they slowly go.

Old gargoyles Come to life In sun or dark A mighty fright Their faces frown Upon the happy Knocking down love Lashes of tongue Fierce til time Turns them back To stone ~A.R.* Crashing waves Over jagged rock Carving its way Layers softened By water strength Tumbled glass Pieces edgeless Shores sea glitter In sand Timeless ~A.R* With quiet strokes Paddle in hand Gentle waters Canoe barely breaking A world alone Enjoyed peace Calming force Empowering task Enjoyed ~A.R* I may crumble I may fall Skinned knees Tired and broken Time may pass Yet I rise Feet unsteady Forward motion In bits It comes The journey Continues ~A.R* Glazed over Thick mist hovers Just above the surface Dark waters Blanketed in white Rocks gently crest Its surface Still air Warm meets cold Til sun Burns it away ~A.R.* Photo by  @TheWeInMe https://t.co/JpiV9I00UcChild rest

What can I tell you? I have DID and things gets complicated at times. 5 alive is 4 plus me. My emotions are often heightened because I have 'extra persons' inside. For some DIDs it is the opposite in many ways. They feel little or no emotion as their 'parts' can house different feelings. There really is no set mould for how a DID presents. Trauma in early childhood gone untreated can manifest many different ways of coping. I do not have many answers. I know and am still learning about my own Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do know that unlike many I have no co consciousness. No connection of thought with my parts. I get information like cards in a rolodex. Who put which card in I am not always sure. I know enough about them to guess whom might it be from. Who was there when I was 'inside'?? That meaning I am not present. Like a blackout for me. Sometimes I feel the miss of time and sometimes not particularly. It can feel like a blip. Like the lights fli

It is not hard or costly to be kind. Even on your darkest day remember to be kind to yourself. On a better day share what you have in you. Kindness. It can be a minor thing. A wave. A thank you. A note. A smile. An " are you ok"? Hold a hand or give a hug.  Be the example of decency and  graciousness. We are here for one reason or another. In common we can be Kind.

When we have a shift...a switch..it can be for many reasons. Right now it is a feeling of trapped with Jykll and Hyde. For the body we feel pressure. We are lots of skipping/shifting/ switching of each of us or some together or not. This Dissociation thing is a total bummer. When SHE is gone...well if you know her @AFR365 on twitter, April, big April we know she is the light even in her own shithole. We like that song by Bill Withers...Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone. Reminds us of her. Been some crappola day for 5 Alive. We wish we could work miracles but we don't have any magic. We hold the fort down. Defect. Ignore. Buffer. Til she is back it is kind of like a hazy rain day.

As the world spins, seemingly out of control, I hold firm. We have great things in common as humans. Individuals all unique. I keep these words as good mental health boosts. In me, in you, somewhere... these reside in strength. Kindness Peace Compassion Empathy Hope Laughter Brightness Happy Smiles Curiousity Intelligence Trust Resiliance Promise Shelter Friendliness Encouragement Giving Freedom Spirit Magic Inspiration Values Dancing Cheers Calm Sharing Truth Love Just words perhaps. With each I feel a stir. Memories. People. Events. Places. There is good in this world. Worth in the living. Life storms have made me who I am. Alongside are the triumps and joyous moments. Through laughter and tears I grew and will continue to do so. I hope when I leave this world I have found my way to be the words strung together as lights for others.

Be a part of raising awareness, sharing the stories, educating, helping one another, and ending stigma in Mental Health/Illness. There is a huge community helping each other as many cannot get the help services required to find coping and healing. Many are already working to raise awareness and end stigma. Blogging, podcasting, writing books, sharing tips, starting groups, walking or running for charities, etc. Mental health is a big part of how we get to live life to it's fullest. Each of of us, with or without any disorder or illness has a voice, a keyboard, a kind word to another. This is part of your story too. Change, growth, awareness, health can come with the help of many. It is together we journey. Share yourself. Share your story.

There are many challenges in life. We don't get to pick many things we experience. Coming from a background of many abuses and abusers PTSD, anxiety, depression and Disocciative Identity Disorder developed. After many many moons I have done the majority of the trauma work needed to have my system of alters work more congruently. Far from perfect but more managable. I feel as integrated as possible at this time and am now focusing on my physical health and coping. I was diagnosed with Anal Cancer in 2014. It is slow progression and difficult to treat. Many surgeries to try to keep my sphyncter intact. Avoiding radiation and chemo as long as possible. I know it is there. I know it is growing. Time. Who knows what is to come. Another invisible illness that cannot be seen. "You look great" "You are so strong" "You are going to be ok." I know you cannot see my innards twist or my mind spin. I share my story so others know I too understand how it

Living in the best and the worst time. I have this period of 'time off' I was supposed to be free of hospitals and doctor checks and any physical crappola. Unfortunately I am dealing with a 'woman's issue' requiring an out patient doctor. I had pain so bad and a bowel not working I was sure my cancer had spread. Good news not at all my bowel but my bowel reacting to inflamation on that side. It can be fixed but nothing happens fast even after an ambulance ride to hospital. I have another 2 month wait for the proceedure. September. Wowzers. Unbelievable that this is considered timely care in Canada. Makes me scared about my own health problems never mind many others I know are in similar positions. Just wow. Pain I cannot fix myself. Pushing on trying to enjoy the moments.

I like to use different reminders to help myself stay in today and know my truths in my life. Repetition to break negativity that likes to creep into my mind. It gets so easy to beat myself up. Being kind and positive is quite hard. Mantras/Affirming Thoughts I use a string of wood beads to just use tracking for my mind to stay saying one word or phrase over and over Some examples I am strong Calm Breathe I am loved I can do this No fear I am capable Each day is different Not ok is ok Do what I can...little wins count I am not broken I am not a burden It is ok to feel my feelings For distraction I may just count the beads. I find the calm when I am practicing this tool.

When having to have a check up there are certain parts of my body that I (as a survivor of sexual abuse) have difficulty getting through being prodded at. Now having anal cancer it is a different doctor checkin my 'junk' out regularly. As a child I was sodomized. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder that is a coping mechanism that developed out of multiple traumas. I have come leaps in terms of my mental health and dealing healing with PTSD and DID. I still have triggers that can set off flashbacks. Having a full anal exam is one of them. Anal Cancer. 6 years Multiple surgeries. Lots of doctors, nurses, interns, etc. getting a look at me. I have had great ones who truly care. I have had others that I am just a body. I have had ones that honestly have taken time to know me and are compassionate and patient. If you are reading this and have DID, or even were abused as I was, you may understand the 'aftermath' iin spinning mind after an exam. The anxiety runne

I really think that there should be a set of badges for Living. They would be like the Boy Scouts or Brownies or Girl Guides. Let's face it life is a series of all kinds of challenges. We each face all different kinds. Where to even begin with what my own would be? If I started from the beginning to now I have endless. So if I took out the basics of life skills and went to experiences ...still quite a list. I still think Life Badges should be awarded. Living is a series of achievements. The hard ones that come with adulting should get awarded. I could start with just 10 for every decade of my life. That would be nearly 50! Going to need two double sided sashes!🤣😂 Blood, sweat and tears got this body to here. Maybe you can relate?

It is extremely important to make a self care plan that has 5 basics in it for any moments of distress, anxiety, deep depression etc. An example of this could be; 1. Your breathing exercise I use square breathing ( 4 count in 4 hold 4 out 4 pause ) and I have a drawing card up as a reminder. 2. Distraction with what is in your space (5 green objects, all things round, Count on your fingers back and forth, etc.) 3. Stretching gently Light yoga works for me and there are guided apps. 4. Something comforting ( stuffed animal, photos, blanket, soothing scent, hot water bottle, so forth ) 5. Music I like jazz when I am stressed or I go yo familiar old rock.

I met this lady. Wow. I was taken aback by her glow when she smiled. She spoke with an animation. A storyteller of sorts. Tone and mannerisms flowing into different pieces as I watched her. A flash of hidden sadness. A moment in anger, or was it boldness I saw? Returned to glimmer and light. Breaks of quiet and head turned away. There was more in her. This was obvious. I was eager to know the depth of this woman. Time and again I sought her out. Getting small snipits of her substance. Learning her desires, her fears, her needs. I pieced  slivers of her life. A story that shattered this individual, yet made her magical. A being like no other. I wondered where her path would take her. What turns could lay ahead? Would the demons continue to haunt her without invitation? Did her sadness lift? Did her happiness comes? Was her ending hard? Her story continued.

I believed. I saw but didn't see. You had your truth that you hid. Once so young I believed another. The hurt stayed and fractured my being. Another...I had come to the same conclusion. Too young to have learned what was not real. Naive and hopeful. I trusted. Woven illusions of binding strings. Decisions made based on what I was fed in lies. Omissions that led to my being at risk repeatedly. I believed the lies. Many tell them. I know more now. More than 40 years later I know the reality I did not know then. Like all I believed that rooked me, let me fall and crash. I rise. I fight. I will claw my way back. There I will make my own life. One with no fogged glasses. Back to a life I take charge of. I believe in me.

I wish I had something profound to say. I have few words other than a whirling head. I live my days as best I can. Often it feels lonely and futile. Uphill or downhill? I am not sure right now. Sideways and backwards on my head is how it feels. I am melancholy. Depressed. My life circumstances bind me in discomfort. I want to flee but cannot. For it is also so much that is physical. In me. On me. Illness sucks. Keep going. Keep going. Calm. Find it.

Part of the Story Dear Me/We We never take the time to let you know your truths. Having lived a life with many harsh experiences one might think you would be jaded and angry. Despite your childhood traumas you found deep strength in ways many could not understand. A fragmented psyche that developed to keep you safe. You have DID. Alters there but you did not know.  Functional and protective. Anxiety and depression would reign. Even as a child you were nervous, rubbing to corderoy off your jeans tryingv to calm yourself. You held a crooked smile for so long. Inside turmoil and terror. You aged into a beautiful woman. Your heart grew softer instead of hard. You are warm where cold could reside. Married at 21.  It was 11 years of deep love, but heartbreak with an addicted partner. From him being into sobriety to being out of any recovery and a raging gambler... you held on to hope. Dashed it was. Time and again trust smashed. Reality of your love crippled. Financial abuse and y

I am sensitive. I also am kind. I am perhaps easily offended by some things. I have a strong sense of values. Blame my Catholic upbringing. I learned early to fight or flee. Most often I flee. If I chose to fight it is that I feel a line ( what I feel is right or wrong ) has been crossed. Then it is on. No silence. Not anymore. Years of being silent for so many things and people have passed. I speak out. And the Dragon blew fire back. I did not waver. My hands clenched tight around my sword. Shaking I rose it high. Hefted up with courage. My voice ...listen. Strongly speak. I will not bow to your breathe. Be kind. Tame yourself Dragon. I come only with a message. Why must you burn me? And the Dragon blew fire back. I did not waver. I will not be silenced by intimidation. Yet I do feel fear as I try hard to stand up. Sensitive yes. I feel it deeply when my voice is not heard.

The day started off tired. I felt this way regularly. Probably close to 7 yrs of being up at night. Thus, mornings are a bitch! Java. Coffee. I pour it in with hopes of being more alert, to no avail. I play on social media. Answer a few messages...maybe..hard to think in the head fog. Nope...can't stay up. Nap. That's right. I have to sleep. My eyes are too heavy. An hour and a half. That is about how long that sleep is. I am probably at a total of 5 hrs now. Dragging my ass. I force myself to shower and dress. I just want to go back to bed. I pick a task. There are plenty to chose from as I live in the 'packing for a move' space. What shall it be? Clean a bit. Knit. Pack a box. Errands? I want to go out. I want to stay home. There is an anxiety building. Tension in. But I can hide in my area. Out is noise and people and sometimes it can be too much. Out is freedom from the daily tension tho. I feel a sort of defeat. My attitude could use some positivity. I

Throwing sparks Camp fire sizzled Burning skylight Darkness lit Flames meet stars Earth to sky Together glow ~A.R. Head tucked in Screams silent To self Balled body No comfort Found Eyes clouded Tear burnt No sobs Silently curled Away in mind She goes ~A.R.* With all of your senses From toes to her crown Learn her with all of you Experience depth in this woman She opened herself reluctantly Trace her paths to tender heart Be harsh and she snaps off Gone away while you take Shattered inside and gone ~A.R.* Human Being Just Being Answers Out there Inside Some sought Some to hide Living breathing Breathe calmness Human Being Just Live ~A.R.* The night time poet Quill of ink Lashing words Toward ghosts Who listen eager For delightful tales Of Her and Them Or I perhaps ~A.R.* She has a smile Wears it fine Behind it pain Tired and torn A soul seeking Something more Strong she wars Battles unseen Wearing her crown A little askew ~A

Yes my arse. My butt. My anal area. Butthole. Ass. Yes. It is in pain. I was cut end to end Yes it was a cyst and benign this time. Good news. Being cut 8 to the area means at week 4 it is still raw and healing. Stitches across stitches. Add hip and pain at tops of femur. They are none too gentle when positioning to work on the butt. 😳 Mine are inflammed and screaming pain. Today I am angry, lonely and tired. It has been almost 6 years of this and I did not ask for ongoing life with Anal Cancer (look it up). I just want to get out. Be better. Depression hovers. Resiliancy is the only way. The rope may be burning my hands but I haven't let go.

Dreams that are bad are nightmares. Up it a notch and a person experiences Night Terror. Often a product of trauma of one sort or another. Events distorted by the haze of fitful rest. A guise of sleep. Entering distinct clear visions. Perhaps pieces of the past strung together in nonsense sequences. Trapped with all senses seemingly raw and alive within this dream. A dream. But a dream.. but not. Screams seem piercingly real. My dream...my terrors. My life alive in night terrors. Jumbled and frightening. I will wake abruptly, soaked in sweat, heart pounding. Anxiety will grab on as I am vulnerable. Defences down. Often I weep for what I cannot change. The desire to go forward is sapped of energy after nights of terror. Strings of these and exhaustion happens. No cure. I do my care. I have meds. I keep trying and working with my therapist. Hold on to hope each time I put my head down that this night will be free of mind fear.

Don't make a move. Don't even breathe. Pretend you're invisible. (Like sitting out in the living room was totally not noticable.) Shhhhhh... my mind was busy working on my predicament. Who was I fooling? I was caught. No place to run to. Face it head on!!, the mind says. I could feel my palms go sweaty with anticipation. Chin up girl, I tell myself. It's just allergies not tears.... Oh hell, how bad can it be? (Thinking commences...) I know.... I just know! It can be a nastiness like no other. I say nothing. Heart racing. Fight or flight kicks in. Hot cheeks. Anxiety...coming fast. I can't slow. I gotta go. I just have to. Panic is coming. Set off. I am triggered by the fear. Not knowing what will happen. Not stable. Unpredictable. I feel ill inside and out. Hide. Hide. Run. Mind on fire. I take flight. Dissasociated.

https://paypal.me/pools/c/8c1lgBe7Rl No bucket. I live today. Anal Cancer we are sparring! @AFR365 This is a fund to accomplish some of my living list while I am able. Please have a look. Any amount helps. Sometimes you just have to ask for what you need and hope. Up on my list: Train to Quebec City Butterfly Emporium Cambridge Toronto Aquarium and iFly Tour to Tobermory/ Manitoulin So much I would love to see and do. People I would love a chance to meet. 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

Don't make a move. Don't even breathe. Pretend you're invisible. (Like sitting out in the living room was totally not noticable.) Shhhhhh... my mind was busy working on my predicament. Who was I fooling? I was caught. No place to run to. Face it head on!!, the mind says. I could feel my palms go sweaty with anticipation. Chin up girl, I tell myself. It's just allergies not tears.... Oh hell, how bad can it be? (Thinking commences...) I know.... The demons of yesterday are all over me. Todays life is sending me into waves of clashing times. I push back tears. I just know! It can be a nastiness like no other.

He took 2 , 1cm areas, was supposed to be 1 2mm and a small tag... Hope he got it. Was drugged and froze and home. Meantime... Post surgery. Not feeling good. Bad night. Ptsd triggers. Terrified what is next... #nocancerleftbehind Worrisome. Get results in two weeks. Scared. Angry Confused Hopeless Feeling suicidal. Results are in! Cyst takes and large cell area cleared. Benign this time. (Cut 8 this area on. Pre to cancer to pre...) Anal cancer does not leave so I will face it again and again. Today I got some freedom time for 4 months...fingers crossed. Healing. Grateful for all your support #nocancerleftbehind BUTT I got my eye on it!! A few months of freedom and do my Living list. Then back to oncology for check.

A lot. They used to see me as sensitive. Soft and kind with some spunk. I can handle far more than they knew or know. It is not in pride I say this but as a truth. I am more than you know or understand. I may say what I am facing or coping or I may not. I can make my way somehow. (DID add the helpers) There is backbone here. I am learning that the strength can also be in asking for what you need. ( Like having your friend keep you distracted from self harm during a bad set of days). It isn't always pretty. I get to a messy place and mind space. I am still here. In my life.. The pre cancer is a waiting volcano that has no stop. It will return and cancer is on my path. Time. Use it wisely. Do I fight my depression and anxiety? Daily. I am. Never underestimate your power. We each have this deep in us. Find it and use it. Be brave. We can handle it.

Her long frame Curled in a swirl Legs tight to chest Unfurled to long legged beauty Soft skin pressed closer Seeking safety Desire to mold to near one Being your tangled mess Caressing night With heatbeats Joined ~A.R." Fire bright Lighted circle Swaying flames Smokey sparks Cold night Embrace warmth Embers hot Dazzled Eyes Glowing cheeks Catch her Lock eyes Depth heated Wanted soul Fire bright ~A.R.* Clanging chains Whipped frantically Twisted together Swung furious Dasterdly wind Plays havoc With swings ~A.R.* From her thigh to her hip. He grazed with his lips. Up her side. Laying kisses along the way. His hand tangled in her long hair. Pull back in a jolt. He woke. But a dream she was. ~A.R.* Send me peace A mind at rest Trying hard To do my best Cruel world Illness dwells Body fight The cuts ands swells Soon release It will come Meantime I live Another day ~A.R.* From past to present It comes over me In waves of memory

I am struggling. I feel like I cannot feel anything. There just is too much I am shut down. My mind is everywhere and nowhere. It is going "Too fast for the Slow Parts" in my life. I have been melancholy much of my day. That has gone now as I am worn. Depleted. A twitter post I made today... Fk you cancer Fk you depression Screw off suicidal thoughts Back off anxiety This is my mantra today! #SickNotWeak #nocancerleftbehind #KeepTalkingMH Tonight no fight left. Yet again, I cannot get myself to sleep. The disconnect from self begins. Tonight I am aware. #DIDprobs ( I will fragment and a part/alter will front and be awake. Doing their own agenda. Perhaps this brain is protecting me from nightmares tonight...sigh.)

March 7th Surgery was more cutting than expected and deep. The pain meds give me nausea and badly puffed eyes. It is now the 13th and I stopped the pain med. Tylenol and Gravol now. I have had so many to date this time I asked a great friend to come help and watch out for me here. I feel very lucky as the recovery has been very hard and I have no energy. Glad I asked for help. Grateful. So many twitter peeps have sent love and support. Kind words help so much. Another week til I get my results. Fear. Cancer sucks. This type is ongoing. What's next?? I am tired and scared. I don't feel good. Time. Wait. So hard.

It was needed. A really deep breathe. More than one, and slow. It was hot out. A bit of a breeze. Clear and fresh. The sun was low in the sky It's felt good on my strained face. Stressed...anger, frustration, sadness and a feeling of futility. Take 20, she heard that saying somewhere. Time out. Mind in full spin over days of house infighting. A place that was supposed to be home no longer felt any peace or safety. Emotional hostage. Trapped in ways to long to explain. Breathe. No more thinking. There is no reasoning with what is happening. Age and health, history and mystery. Just breathe. Can't fix it. Nope. Not today. Breathe. It's too much... It's been this before and passed. Resolutions??? You know this is out of hands but those of a professional. Some are time and agebound. Not a lot there can be done to stop time marching forword. Breathe. I am not ready for them aging. I am not ready to watch them going little by little! Make this stop! Brea

There are so many things about me and my life I do not share. Lots I have done my therapy time over and some not. It is mine. Mine to decide if and when I share. I can say No. It is something I am learning. I am not unkind for doing what is right for me. It is extremely hard as I am raised on put others before yourself and No was not acceptable. The next part of that is, No Explanation Required. I always feel I need to justify my No. Truth is no need to give anyone a reason for your boundary. It is not their business to mind. It exists and there it is. No. Throughout my life I grew 'hangups'. Many are fear based. Not all realistic. These are blocks to doing things. Feeling things. Eating things. Staying certain places. Too many to list if I broke it down. Some of these I have gotten ahead with or lapsed again...it is an ongoing process. When I screw up enough courage to express No I really mean it. When No needs an explanation and I have none to give, that is now

Context and meaning. I have been in contemplation over this life I have. Deep grooves line my forehead and silver kisses in my hair all show time put in. Earth being. Mostly land bound. The years of memory often are blurred. Aging is not stoppable. Nor would I wish to go backward. If I left this world today have I lived a tale, fairies and dragons, worth sharing? Contemplation. I have been in deep reflective thought about the rest of my life story. What will be? I have hope and dreams Aspirations Desire to Inspire Is time on my side? What can I pull off as my physical health changes? How will my mental health respond? Breathe. In 234. Hold 234 Out 234 Pause 234. The fear of Forward in my life shoes can be gripping. I am going to leave a mark on this world somehow, some way. I have scratched it's surfaced and fought hard. Doing my best along my way. Deep thoughts and pondering. I have been mending for days after surgery and now waiting for results. Scared for s

My life. My story. My table. I invite you to sit. I will also decide what happens at, in, or around My personal table. I decide. For me.

So many things done and said leave hurt that lingers. Owning behavior an illusion for some. Abuse left unspoken. From a child to adulthood I have felt the many levels of betrayal and indignity. Apologies that will never come. A few heard. Some not real. Some geniune. Many to let go of. I cannot live in vengence. I cannot seek retribution. To guilt or shame would not serve me. I work on myself. My own reactions and behavior. I try to own what is mine. I make mistakes. Refection is only to be aware. Often I have let those past hurts continue to hurt me. I do carry some. Lingering. This is life learning. I am not always sure who the lesson is for when I suffer. The offender or the offended. My wall rises and falls. Uncertain of who or what is safe. Why me? Do they knew what mess they left behind? Now my mess. It's never too late to say you are sorry.( ? ) If you do..be sure your actions match your words.

Poverty. There are many levels. None are good. Even in a developed, democracized advanced society the poor exist in masses. There are Canadians cities big and small with homeless in crisis. There are physically and mentally ill doing without proper living conditions or healthcare. Veteran beside addict who had been a lawyer. There are some who have shelter but qualify for limited assistance. There are the working poor who live on extra jobs to put food in bellies. No benefits. There is not enough money month to month as prices go up and their incomes do not. Poor is not a choice for the majority. I am one of the ill and poor. My budget is tight. I learned to scrimp. I mend and make do. When well I create different arworks and sell in my allowed top up. It isn't much but I save it for my living list (living with cancer I am trying to fill some of my wishes). As changes in my health press I know some things I need to do very soon. Yet I am not quite well enough to create ar

Respite. 3 glorious days away. No details for you!! Suffice it to say it was rejuvenating for me to catch a break from my normal days. Away time. I have learned some things about myself. I got some rest and energized. Then it ended. Oh, it ended and ... boom...Reality. I am in adjustment mode. It is an uncomfortable feeling. Worry has returned and anxiety is peeking out. I will endure and I will bounce back. I have a deep reserve. A strong resolve. Just keep going. Backward or forward, these are still steps.

Some days I feel so lost. I am upside down and inside out. Scattered like puzzle pieces. Some facing up and many not. I don't even know what I am putting together as I have lost the picture. What is my goal? In the moment stay, they say. I can't. I can't get there from here. I don't know how. I don't know how to get it calmed. Yes I have myvtoolbox of tricks out. Self care. Breathe. Distraction. Stretching. Sit still with tea. I don't know how when I am like this. I keep going to my toolbox. Repeat. Try again. Do it different. What more? Which way? I have complex mental illness issues. I am well aware. I do my very best. At times this spinning does occur. The brain is 'frazzled'. How can I cope? Can I get it straightened some, my wobbly footings? Do you know the way?

My life has been under pressure. I feel constant stress. Some is inside of me emotionally and some is outside circumstances. I press on. Lots of difficulty facing days, especially when I had days of waking anxiety. I run on little sleep. The second Split movie came out and my DID community is taking hits. Do I go back into hiding? Stigma is harsh. My city not huge. Am I safe to continue sharing and helping others? I will continue. I have made myself a voice for a reason. Educate one by one. Write about Disassociation etc. I was away with a friend for a few days. It was a wonderful time. A much needed visit in the presence of a real friend I can trust. I got to breathe. I calmed. I slept. I want to tell you. It only took one day after taking a time out from my environment that my anxiety returned high, tears again, feeling scared.... No sleep. My mind is so loud. So much I try to wade through. I want to tell you... Thanks for sharing my journey.

He was her muse Hard In all the riight places She put him through his paces. A world he craved She opened the doors Loving him Briefly Knowing this time was short He grew wings Loving her Not wanting to fly She lead him Away And said goodbye

Holy moly! I cannot belief I am back to fighting depression for my life. Anxiety has been a beast. I have hit that line. Sucide. It wasn't a pretty few days. With the help of medication and a great psychiatrist I got through. I was right out of my head over an upcoming oncology appointment. Having been surviving Anal Cancer for 5 years has been absolutely life altering. This is in ways only an abuse survivor could understand. Invasion. I cannot free myself. Pain. In some ways it is multiplying trauma. How I got this...I forgave. Today...holding the 'bag of crap on fire' by myself just is a lot to handle. I will. I can. Holy moly. I don't know... breathe.

She was wild and bold. Some thought she was out of control. She took risks, but not life or limb. She was all about The Experience. Life. Out of the box. Testing new waters just for shits and giggles. No harm, no fowl her motto. That girl was freedom. Unleashed but in control. A sense of confidence. She lived in laughter for the outside eyes. She held back her own tears. Forging a new path was not easy. This other side was her outlet. Lost in so many other ways. Scattered inside. She needed release. Relief came in a reckless abandon. But only to her. No harm, no foul. She brought new views...opening hearts and minds around her. Ask her and you would not believe. Many things to her checklist. Life Experience. Outside the box. Freeing for moments, from a place of hidden pain.

How many pictures do you carry in your head? What are the words you have but do not speak? How many memories where you found joy? Is there curiousity still in you? Do you see all that you have accomplished? Do you realize you are unique as a human being? Do you struggle but push on? Can you fun play as an adult? Are you open to trying new things? Have you shared and cared? Do you reach out when you need support? What are your interests? Can you stay in the moment? Do you give yourself praise? Do you use your old lying self loathing self talk? Do you know your truths? Have you given out love?

Lordy my life... It gets hectic in my head. I am trying very hard to stay in the moment. Life has many challenges for me. I have to cope. So staying in the present is so important for my sanity. The rest combines, jumbled, scary...let it be when and where it is. To not bring a future oncology appointnent into now. Just today. Just right now. What do I need? How do I feel? Task at hand. Not back. Not forward. Analogy; If you are riding the life river a foot on one raft and a foot on another will only lead to a spill out. The rafts being Yesterdays and Tomorrows. The spill is on Today. So. I took my hanging calander out of plain sight. Then it isn't baiting myself into worry. I have taken out and dusted off my yoga matt. I know the basics. It works for meditation and set quiet time. Routine. I am building on that. I have little pieces thar are routine but much of my life has no structure. I will make it part of my daily goals. Focus and calm. I can get there.