5 Alive

Respite. 3 glorious days away. No details for you!! Suffice it to say it was rejuvenating for me to catch a break from my normal days. Away time. I have learned some things about myself. I got some rest and energized. Then it ended. Oh, it ended and ... boom...Reality. I am in adjustment mode. It is an uncomfortable feeling. Worry has returned and anxiety is peeking out. I will endure and I will bounce back. I have a deep reserve. A strong resolve. Just keep going. Backward or forward, these are still steps.

Some days I feel so lost. I am upside down and inside out. Scattered like puzzle pieces. Some facing up and many not. I don't even know what I am putting together as I have lost the picture. What is my goal? In the moment stay, they say. I can't. I can't get there from here. I don't know how. I don't know how to get it calmed. Yes I have myvtoolbox of tricks out. Self care. Breathe. Distraction. Stretching. Sit still with tea. I don't know how when I am like this. I keep going to my toolbox. Repeat. Try again. Do it different. What more? Which way? I have complex mental illness issues. I am well aware. I do my very best. At times this spinning does occur. The brain is 'frazzled'. How can I cope? Can I get it straightened some, my wobbly footings? Do you know the way?

My life has been under pressure. I feel constant stress. Some is inside of me emotionally and some is outside circumstances. I press on. Lots of difficulty facing days, especially when I had days of waking anxiety. I run on little sleep. The second Split movie came out and my DID community is taking hits. Do I go back into hiding? Stigma is harsh. My city not huge. Am I safe to continue sharing and helping others? I will continue. I have made myself a voice for a reason. Educate one by one. Write about Disassociation etc. I was away with a friend for a few days. It was a wonderful time. A much needed visit in the presence of a real friend I can trust. I got to breathe. I calmed. I slept. I want to tell you. It only took one day after taking a time out from my environment that my anxiety returned high, tears again, feeling scared.... No sleep. My mind is so loud. So much I try to wade through. I want to tell you... Thanks for sharing my journey.

He was her muse Hard In all the riight places She put him through his paces. A world he craved She opened the doors Loving him Briefly Knowing this time was short He grew wings Loving her Not wanting to fly She lead him Away And said goodbye

Holy moly! I cannot belief I am back to fighting depression for my life. Anxiety has been a beast. I have hit that line. Sucide. It wasn't a pretty few days. With the help of medication and a great psychiatrist I got through. I was right out of my head over an upcoming oncology appointment. Having been surviving Anal Cancer for 5 years has been absolutely life altering. This is in ways only an abuse survivor could understand. Invasion. I cannot free myself. Pain. In some ways it is multiplying trauma. How I got this...I forgave. Today...holding the 'bag of crap on fire' by myself just is a lot to handle. I will. I can. Holy moly. I don't know... breathe.

She was wild and bold. Some thought she was out of control. She took risks, but not life or limb. She was all about The Experience. Life. Out of the box. Testing new waters just for shits and giggles. No harm, no fowl her motto. That girl was freedom. Unleashed but in control. A sense of confidence. She lived in laughter for the outside eyes. She held back her own tears. Forging a new path was not easy. This other side was her outlet. Lost in so many other ways. Scattered inside. She needed release. Relief came in a reckless abandon. But only to her. No harm, no foul. She brought new views...opening hearts and minds around her. Ask her and you would not believe. Many things to her checklist. Life Experience. Outside the box. Freeing for moments, from a place of hidden pain.

How many pictures do you carry in your head? What are the words you have but do not speak? How many memories where you found joy? Is there curiousity still in you? Do you see all that you have accomplished? Do you realize you are unique as a human being? Do you struggle but push on? Can you fun play as an adult? Are you open to trying new things? Have you shared and cared? Do you reach out when you need support? What are your interests? Can you stay in the moment? Do you give yourself praise? Do you use your old lying self loathing self talk? Do you know your truths? Have you given out love?

Lordy my life... It gets hectic in my head. I am trying very hard to stay in the moment. Life has many challenges for me. I have to cope. So staying in the present is so important for my sanity. The rest combines, jumbled, scary...let it be when and where it is. To not bring a future oncology appointnent into now. Just today. Just right now. What do I need? How do I feel? Task at hand. Not back. Not forward. Analogy; If you are riding the life river a foot on one raft and a foot on another will only lead to a spill out. The rafts being Yesterdays and Tomorrows. The spill is on Today. So. I took my hanging calander out of plain sight. Then it isn't baiting myself into worry. I have taken out and dusted off my yoga matt. I know the basics. It works for meditation and set quiet time. Routine. I am building on that. I have little pieces thar are routine but much of my life has no structure. I will make it part of my daily goals. Focus and calm. I can get there.