5 Alive

Dancing in the window In a downtown pub Alone on the floor Singing words to a song I used to know Feeling the past Like an afterglow The music plays on Long after I go For now I sway And dance alone ~A.R.* Ugly head Noxious spew Judging harsh Demeaning words Illusion switch Dementia visited Person morphed Unknown being Lost original In their mind Anger resides Jekyll Go hide ~A.R.* Crashing waves Over jagged rock Carving its way Layers softened By water strength Tumbled glass Pieces edgeless Shores sea glitter In sand Timeless ~A.R* Whisper your secrets Wrapped together I will hold them tight Your dreams and tragedies Say them in the night Darkness the cover And promises kept Entwined between us ~A.R.* Another leg Journeyed long Baggage bundled Looking for peace Out of pieces Weathered Into carried Stories ~A.R.* Whisper your secrets Wrapped together I will hold them tight Your dreams and tragedies Say them in the night Darkne

Quite a long time ago I participated in a workshop. In it one thing I took away, and still use, is Visualization. A guided one that you can follow along is helpful. There are even apps on devices that can be good. I am able to make up my own. Sometimes I think I should record them even just for my own use. I find visualizing guided mediation can help me calm. Often it can shift my perspective as well. The feeling of peace seems to come with this distractive tool. To try it - get a comfortable position and try to be unfurled. A bit of a star position so unclasped hands, arms away from sides, knees not touching. - quiet area so no distraction. Earplugs or headphines may help - breathe slow and deep I use square breathing which is count 4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 pause Feel it open your lungs. - focus in relaxing each part of your body Imagine silver light swirling down and releasing tensiin from the top of your head, down your face and neck, shoulders to the tips of your fingers, c

Relationships are difficult to say the least. I feel over my lifetime my heart has been through the shredder. I realize love and loss go hand in hand. This is life. The hard things are things like broken trust, abuse, abandonment, tragedy, and so forth. The healing can take forever, if it can be found at all. I am going to be 49. I have many life issues. Healing and healing. How scarred over is my heart to true love? Being DID is just one added issue. Love is a hard thing for We. Us. Life...

There are days I can hardly stand myself. Jittery, anxious, with feelings of confusion. My life situation seems stuck. Finding gratitude in the small things gets harder each day. Trapped in body. Trapped in location. Options minimal and not great. Distract. Deflect. Defer. I try my best to stay in just the now.

I pressed back the tears. Swallowing difficult with sawdust mouth. There were no words to say. Life can be unfair. Life can be tragic. Memories flooded me as I watched the three elders commiserate. Sitting close together as if in a world only they shared. In some ways our generational gap made me outside of their tales. Some we shared. On this day I could only sit back and observe. I am losing them. Time is not on their side. Their minds less sharp. Their bodies failing them. I could see the gambut of emotions on this visit. My own rolled down my cheeks in solitude. Not wanting them to see how much pain I was feeling. Safe people. The cottage...my safest place on earth. Time not on our side. I feel the crushing fear of tomorrows. No. I am not blood. Related by marriage. From 4 yrs old these people have represented my safety rocks. I struggle to cope. Grieving as they slowly go.