5 Alive

Anal Cancer sucks. Look it up. I am 4 yrs dealing with this and it continues. Wait. I have a new tag. The surgery area where pre cancer cells are is changing. Cream. To help aggravation. Wait. Will tell surgeon so he can check when I go there next for check. Wait. I am really tired of it all. This is a normal reaction. The feelings can be overwhelming. Angry Sad Hurt Angry Tears Then strong for awhile. Then not. Chug...chug..chug...along.

The alphabet game. Use alphabet to name in order places or foods or animals A-Z Counting backwards. 7 Items line up memory game. Close eyes after lining up objects and remember order. Then switch around and do again. Crumple paper as tight a ball as possible and undo without ripping Restring shoelaces Name last 15 people you spoke to in order Drink warm water Melt an ice cube in hands Go for a walk...play don't step on cracks. Make grass whistle between thumbs Name different sounds you hear I spy so many things and list...red or square or chrome etc. Think of 10 favorite meals Always remember to breathe. In 234 Hold 234 Release 234 Pause Repeat Keep a list handy of How to Distract self so it is there when you need.

Now here is a topic many who have been abused have great difficulty with. Myself included. As a survivor I can be triggered. It takes time to learn boundaries..and to set them for myself. It takes some guiding the partner to understand what is ok for me and what is not. Unhealthy sexuality has been part of what I knew. I can still slide back to not setting boundaries and allowing myself to be hurt. I do pay later for I have learned to shame myself. Learning to stay with healthy boundaries is difficult. I believe only those that have been through sexual trauma understand the mindframe. Some don't like to be touched in any way. I am opposite in that I crave loving touch. Hugs and cuddles. I have unhealthly dispersed my boundaries out of desperate need for that alone. That is me. My body is something I have come to appreciate. With sickness (abdominal issues and ongoing cancer) perspective changed. I have a body. I still have my hair. My weight is low but holds. I am lucky in man