5 Alive

I am thinking about you a lot. Perhaps it is because the Holiday Season is here. Winter is a cruel yet beautiful time of year. We shared so much. Was a good life we had going together. I could love you forever. I did. Then it was over. Gone. I never really recovered. It has been years. Seems like yesterday. I miss the laughter. I miss your smile. I miss the talks and the banter. We were a team. Often I feel how I failed you. Failed to fill gaps you needed help with. Honestly, I tried with my all my heart. We were going to grow old together. We were living and learning together. Gone. I am growing older alone. Trying to live. I still am learning. I don't cope well. There is no one at my side. My hand is not taken. I can only hold myself. I mourned you. I mourn again. Time has not erased you from my heart. Gone. Not forgot.

"ShirleyPodcast (1 of 2)" from The We in Me on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/TheWeinMe/episodes/Author--Advocate-Shirley-Davis-9-e2eu34/ShirleyPodcast-1-of-2-a6evks This is a fantastic podcast focused on Diassociative Identity Disorder. I spoke to Erika on this in October. @theweinme on Twitter. This guest @shirleydavis has authored books that are also very informative.

Wounded bird One winged You cannot fly Some think Why don't you die.. What use are you.. What can you do.. It healed some yes Still not just right I see you bird We fight a broken fight One winged perhaps A change to life Adapt to cope We do in strife You never know My feathered friend In time we may find A fix to mend ~A.R.*

Piled up In white Trees sparkle Untouched sheet Land asleep Above awake Birds flutter Nestled in Branches safe Fluffed for Warmth Winter morn So calm ~A.R.* Lying beast In dark shadows It waits The vulnerable Naive to presence Of danger In depth lurks An evil energy Born within This body A human Being Growing particle Anxiety fast Turns to panic The Beast's feast ~A.R.* Swirling mind Thoughts unclear Slow yourself Take a moment Breathe Secrets untold Not mine Unfair hiding I cannot tell It is Not mine ~A.R.* Morning came Rolling over A night Distraught No sleep So long Burning eyes Meet glaring Day ~A.R.* We took up a battle to show that we care. Lost in war for the freedom of many. Those who returned to carry the valour earned. Yet never the same as people for war is atrocities we cannot forget. #RememberanceDay Stay awhile My world Unfamiliar to you Misunderstood By many See fragments Flying free Scattered mind Fee

I am having a rough go. Things at home are bad. I am overwhelmed as things decline. My step father has been really sick with a cold....he is my go to person that has always been stability. Him getting older and sick is a huge triggers. I have tears just writing this. There is a big loneliness in me that is so painful. D.I.D.  ...having 4 alters that also feel...I have often felt like I experience 5 times the "normal" emotions. Sadness and fear in particular. You know that my health, with ongoing cancer stuff, already has me questioning living at times when my depression is at its worst. Last year at this time I was just out of hospital after suicide stay. Those 13 days left their mark. I struggle with going places. Being "trapped" in any way. Even just having no way to leave an outting to go home immediately feels trapped. I am extra sensitive to things I wasn't before that October in hospital. Brings me back to my folks. My mother changing moods and my s