Rough Go

I am having a rough go.
Things at home are bad. I am overwhelmed as things decline. My step father has been really sick with a cold....he is my go to person that has always been stability. Him getting older and sick is a huge triggers.
I have tears just writing this.

There is a big loneliness in me that is so painful. D.I.D.  ...having 4 alters that also feel...I have often felt like I experience 5 times the "normal" emotions. Sadness and fear in particular.

You know that my health, with ongoing cancer stuff, already has me questioning living at times when my depression is at its worst.
Last year at this time I was just out of hospital after suicide stay. Those 13 days left their mark. I struggle with going places. Being "trapped" in any way. Even just having no way to leave an outting to go home immediately feels trapped.
I am extra sensitive to things I wasn't before that October in hospital.

Brings me back to my folks. My mother changing moods and my step father quickly aging... all of his 85 years catching up to him. My mom being hard on him surely hasn't helped.

I get bad thoughts....
I want to go before him.
Yes. Suicidal.
I am getting help.
No. I am not thinking that today.
I was.
I know that I have purpose. I know it will get better. I am strong.
Phew...

I know that is an earful...or eyeful to read.

I have inner pressure (alters) I can feel pushing all this out. I guess we trust you. I guess we needed to share this.

It is far away friends like you that have kept me going. I have few face to face friends here. My siblings aren't close. Days get long and hard.

Lately I have been missing more time. Meaning alters are filling in. I know they are protecting me.

I am pushing through. I take heart knowing that even my own brain can do something to try to help me cope. I am not saying D.I.D. is fun...I just understand that I got it for a reason and I can get through things as I am.