5 Alive

Bahahaha. I wish...or maybe not. Many times the abillity for my brain to shut me down, yet keep my body going as another person, has saved my life. Compartmentalization. I do not require you to believe me. I operate this way..and to my knowledge have for the better part of my life. Yes. Unbeknown to myself for a very long time. I had severe panic disorder with blackouts. My diagnosis ++ has changed over the years of therapy and treatment. Labels. These to direct proper help. I continue this Work. Blocking of memories in trauma. A way for a difficult time to be coped with. More trauma...more Disassociation. Educate yourself. Not my job to create a believer. My job is to look after me by whatever means I can. This train is rolling whether you chose to ride with me or not. I am ME. With DID. The 'battle' is real.

You don't have anything on that ( hot dog, sandwhich, salad, etc) ? No condiments. Thank you. No. Nothing. Yep. Plain. No. Nothing on the side. No condiments. No toppings. Slice cheese maybe. No. That is it. Early in life this refusal of some started. Perhaps was body knowing baby skin problemz so no tomato or like dark veg. No potato. A growing list. Perhaps texture. I still have these. Over time condiments and food used negatively. I am adverse. I can barely touch ketchup bottle or mustard.. I don't eat at otbers if I don't know them well or the food. I try to explain...is easier to not be hungry... Trigger for me and some I know why and some I don't. I just know my reaction remains. I am picky. I am cautious. Paranoid at times. Food issues are tough. I don't not eat. I adjust. No to the stuff is no. For me. You want it plain? 😁

Are you going to be able to look after yourself? Who will look after you? When will you be able to hear your alters? Are your alters scary? When will you be well? Are you getting integrated? Did the hospital stay teach you a lesson? How was the psych ward? Do you still have cancer? How is home?

Like a mouse in a closed maze.  Blocks at every turn. I was held 13 days for suicide. Not a place of caring and compassion. Saw more and experienced a hell I wish on no one. Dementia and drug addicts on methafone programme mixed with people needing immediate mental health attention. Drugged, controlled, treat like in prison. Don't ask for things or meds or help or anything...they add 4 days and take away any priviledge you may have earned..like fresh air. I lived in fear. Switched constantly...but disassociation is viewed as self harm so if Wee out I was punished. They have a place threat named extra care...aka "the Hole". A pit room with just  bed. Nothing else. You sent there if you don't conform to what they tell you to take or do.... So much was traumatizing. I only got freed because of my physical health...exactly what landed me there. Home. Tending my wounds.

My health issues persist. I am sick of being sick and suffering. My next step was sent to Toronto to specialist. They called this morning. My appointment date is April 6 2018. Are you kidding me????😨 I am losing my mind. Is that light? Hope? This is bullshit. 4 yrs of this. Cancerous crap. I am feeling so Done.

I grew up with a great ability to stuff my emotions. For me disassociation became the emotional and physical coping. I am crossing the age of 47 soon. Life has changed significantly. I am often emotionally overwhelmed. YetI push it back. Instinctually feeling not safe to feel. To not show. Sometimes the exact feeling eludes me. Am I angry? Am I hurt? Am I happy? Am I sad? Anxious..depressed...all of it..what??? I have having loads of therapy. Add oncology social worker and the bucket cap is loosened. Tears. Hot snot. Painful flow that seems unending. Sobbing uncontrollably. Shaking. Out with it. It sneaks open now. My strength to hold it in has become stength to let it out. Empty that bucket. It will refill. Keep bailing it out.

Blue pink sky Speckled with stars Big moon calling You are never alone Dance for me My light Your runway To freedom Lift your eyes Move on Always here Spirits fly ~A.R.

Smashing with hammer in hand. Metal to metal. Forging heat. My sword to sharpen. My tool..protection. Fight. No flight. Anxiety perched on my shoulder. Depression darkenning my vision. No clear path for my body illness. Searching for fellow warriors. Side by side to challenge the ignorant. Educating without delicacy. Gloves off. I am one. One strong. Never alone. Putting my hand out. Let us work together. The conversation. Meet the minds. Unite. Hammer it out. Mental health to physical disabilty. We shall not flee. Facing my battles. With friends in tow. Stigma take down. Lifting the fallen. We will not give. Raised swords. Fight it.