Full Bucket

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I grew up with a great ability to stuff my emotions. For me disassociation became the emotional and physical coping.
I am crossing the age of 47 soon. Life has changed significantly.
I am often emotionally overwhelmed. YetI push it back. Instinctually feeling not safe to feel. To not show.
Sometimes the exact feeling eludes me. Am I angry? Am I hurt? Am I happy? Am I sad? Anxious..depressed...all of it..what???
I have having loads of therapy. Add oncology social worker and the bucket cap is loosened.
Tears. Hot snot. Painful flow that seems unending. Sobbing uncontrollably. Shaking.
Out with it.
It sneaks open now.
My strength to hold it in has become stength to let it out.
Empty that bucket.
It will refill.
Keep bailing it out.

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