5 Alive

We are changing early in Ontario. A trip to  Algonquin Park was on this perfect day. I spent it with Sir Don (my sweet and kind Step-father) as his 84th birthday is next week. If I could say my hero today...it would be him. Aging gracefully. A sense of humour. A man who enjoys the small pleasures of life. I love him more than words could ever put together would convey. As he crosses 84 my anxiety grows. How long will I have him? How long healthy as he is?  Yet I am not well... He is truly my rock. I have no partner. I battle on with cancer issues. I have mental health problems that I work on. 4 yrs of dealing with health issues has left me worn..unsure..anxiety..depressed..sad. I know today. Today is what we have. Now. I am glad today I had Sir Don. A day free.

Sooo much I am trying to cope with in my life. I am not unique. Many people have things I have...like ongoing cancer issues...anxiety...trauma...money....depression...feeling lost. I am unique in how I cope, or do not cope. So much learning. Part of me wants to just curl up and fade away. I am in a place much is out of my hands. With that I struggle even to do the smallest task. #PurpleFriday for Childhood Sexual Abuse..I tweeted as much as I could. Being unwell...mental health has been "my job". It is good to share. I want to help where I can. Today I was with a friend in need. Back up friend too. I knew I was not in great shape but in helping my friend I help myself. I pulled out for self care. Now. Overtired and mind racing. I am back in my own Stuff. I truly just don't know anymore. I am scattered.

1. We are able to work as a team even if we don't agree. 2. We have different interests. 3. We have grown into our own persons. 4. We are not willing to integrate (yes we know what that is we aren't ignorant) 5. We have tried many things to help over much time...often taking turns. 6. No, we don't intend for you to know us. Know is trust. We trust few. 7. If you mess with one you mess with all. We have no harm policy but some have sharp tongue..Maddy...😏 9. There are 4 of us active. She (April) is our purpose. We are here to help her. 10. No we don't know why we are as we are...the bigs/older are learning as we go. 11. The body gets little sleep. 4 hrs...pray for nap... 12. Fall is our worst season. We each have our reasons.

When you can't find your way that's okay. I have been really struggling with my whole well being. Physical health is ongoing Anal Cancer issues. Limboland is stressful. Takes me to fear, anxiety...the what if's...and is tiring to be stressed (which causes me to feel ill). I am not having much quality of life. My emotions are a constant roller coaster. I am often alone. Part by illness ...part by lack of connections. These physical and emotional struggles have brought depression along....I am feeling unlovable. My body a wreck. I don't think anyone would want to be with me as a partner. My mind... everywhere... I work at the things I can. Staying in Today is the hardest. I worry...and letting it go is something I learn. I can...then something happens and I take it back on. Work... Work to stay present. Work to keep going. Work to feel worth. When I am lost I reach out. I often do not want to. Necessary. For me it is life saving.