5 Alive

I have these imaginary lines. Things I have learned about myself and continue to learn. Thus creating more lines. Like the "don't eat one more bite.." or " I will unfriend someone I feel crossed boundaries" ... Lines for myself are often pretty high in expectation. What is the line of enough emotional pain? Enough is enough is where I am at with both my body and mind. Some more surgery on the 9th. The Ongoing Saga from hell. (See past posts) I just have really fought long and hard. I am going to see how this round goes. The line..

A kind man. Hardworking. Slowly he reached. Gently running his rough hand over her naked flesh. Warmth rushed through her. Desire pulsing. Her skin was soft and he felt need to touch all of her. Just her. From her thigh to her hip. He grazed with his lips. Up her side. Laying kisses along the way. His hand tangled in her long hair. Pushing it aside to reveal her nipple. She trusted him. She openned to him. He looked into her deep eyes. Like her heart..so full of hope and love. For him. She was complicaticated, emotionful, smart and funny. A gaurd up. With glimpses of wild abandon. It is a memory of love once had. I fear I will never feel it again.

The mask is heavy. I put one on day after day. Alone. I have my face. My pain. My anxiety. My depression. I push hard to keep going. To be part of this world. To contribute where I can. I am struggling to accept myself. Where am I going? What will happen with my physical health? Who am I? It has been a very long haul with my body. I feel I am no longer me. I cannot go on as I was. I blog about having PTSD with Disassociation. I am not blatent about it in my daily life. I do not wear a sign. It is part of me. My physical health has a whole different set of changes and problems. It has been ongoing so long. I have been on my own with a few close people helping. I really would like to have that special someone. I realize that I have a belief that it will never happen. Challenge the belief.... Rebuke it. I am having difficulty changing that belief.

Often we have many negative things we have been told and tell ourselves. This negative self talk can be demeaning, disarming, shaming, demoralizing. It has no basis. No truth. Easily, we are vulnerable to believing these things. The words we mentally hurl at ourselves are debilitating. Damaging our feelings of value and self worth. Promoting depression and anxiety. Where do we get these words we tell ourselves? Who's standards are we trying to meet? In the process of healing. Looking for wellness we must refute and debunk these sets of words and negative beliefs about ourselves. What are the truths? What is real about you? To debunk those thoughts make two columns on paper. Write down the negative thought then puts truths in the other column of things that you see or have done that prove the thought incorrect. Practice this to train your brain to turn those thoughts around. Lift yourself. Know that you are more than you think.