5 Alive

I am at my line on how much I can handle. I am okay with that some days. Many things are not in my hands and I just have to be patient. Oh...so much easier said than done! Self care is essential. But so are food, water, shelter etc. In this world these things cost money. Yes money stress is nasty. I live on a tight budget. I save little bits over a long period. Things do suddenly happen. A home repair. Something break. Unexpected expenses. I expect most people experience this at some point in their lives. I know it can cause all sorts of problems. A catalyst at times to marriage difficulties, individuals doing money juggling just to eat, depression can set in, paranoia of loss, anxiety and so on. How do I cope? Short of robbing a bank or begging on the corner (😋) I make do. I breathe lots and know for me it has always worked out. Time. Look at the free things life offers and try to remember what is going right. No matter how small, good things and any progress...

Being sensitive. Feeling vulnerable. I am in familiar territory. Fear. Back against the wall. No one can help. I cannot help myself. I say I am surviving cancer. It is ongoing. The choices not great. I am tired. Where was I going with this? Right. Vulnerable. Even the greatest of warriors have their weak spot. Achilles heel as it may be said. We are each vulnerable in some way or at some points throughout the course of life. As children we took our lead from our peers. Our skills, language, beliefs etc. are formed in adolesence. Some children don't learn what they need. Some learn through abuse. Some develop abnormal coping skills or behavior. Or perhaps lack skills for adulthood. I remember when in jr. high they were pushing us to strive for excellence but to also be a 'well-rounded' personality. Me.. many skills..master of none. Lol. Vulnerable. Having to ask others for help. As an adult, not well, this has been very hard. I want to be able to do all on my ow...

I am at a place in my life where things really suck. My mental illness does not define me (PTSD, D.I.D., depression, anxiety). My physical illness (Surviving cancer ongoing issues. 6 surg in 5 years) does not define me. It does suck today. Right now my circumstances are as they are. I am doing the things I need to in order to keep going. I have a list. A Living List. I am not much for the Bucket. Lol. I have a run on list. I keep adding. For me that is Hope. Hope I can. No one knows about lifetime. I often ...very often..want to leave. I hold on to that list. I hold on to my family and friends. Acceptance is never easy. It is ok for me to accept without liking it. For now I keep doing what I do. Sharing and caring. For you. For me.

I woke in tears. Days of this were wearing on me. I felt vulnerable, stuck, alone and afraid. Depression had me. I wanted out. No more. It was not the first time feeling suicidal. I spent 14 days on the psychiatric ward last fall. How does one get to this point? When did the light to fight go out? Everyone is different. Our differences in coping tools, life experiences, ability of the mind may be impaired by mental illness. Why does not much matter. The solutions can be illusive. Some places have no help available. Some specific illnesses take more time and assistance. When I hit this place of doom I am instinctually wanting to hide. I lose ability to communicate for me. Like many others, sharing has been silenced or unsafe. Secrets and masks are held. We cover ourselves. I have found a wonderful set of people on twitter. I have become distant friends with many. I put out the message for help. The response was overwhelming. I could feel the caring and kindness of so many. I ...

I stood on the steps for a long time. Downstairs. 12 steps. The Dungeon to me! It was like a grip around my throat and chest. Fear. Years had passed. The feeling had not. I felt sick just thinking about it. I pushed the memories back. Breathe. That was then and this is now. Breathe. It's safe. That space is different now. It's now my home. Made into an Apartment. All changed. Breathe. Go down. Same space. Dungeon. Now with no Dragons.

I asked and the response was fantastic. What would you include in self care basket? So here are a mix of ideas. Some mine. Some from others. ~ Adult colouring books are ALWAYS relaxing. Did you know they also make travel size colouring cards with mini pencil crayons? Or there are the handy etch a sketch or buddha boards. Art kits can also fall under Creative Distractions. You can get some supplies at the dollar stores, Chapters/Indigo/Coles bookstores or in the USA - Barnes and Noble. ~ Tea. Or a gift card for your local tea and coffee spot. ~ Chocolate... Or sugar free candies. Fun candy like the string candy necklace or lollipops. Trail mix or easy snacks. ~ Candle or aroma diffusers. Scents that are calming. A Vicks nose inhaler can also be a destressor. ~ Bubble bath and skin lotion. Lavender, peppermint, calming scent sachets. ~ stress ball, fidget cube, fidget strand, mini cube puzzle, stretch items to keep hands busy, silly putty or similar play mold. Yoyo. Damm...

I have far too many things going on in my life...most of which I have no control over. I find this overwhelming. I add mental health and physical health issues that require much energy and ongoing attention. It seems to be more than a person should be able to take. At this point I often just want to quit altogether. I feel Done! So...I added an Egg. This is a task. A big task. I am putting on a Speaker event in my community. I started early.. "Who the hell do I think I am? Am I out of my mind? Who does this? I am only a person...one body....REALLY??? Why?why? Why would you take on such a project??" Purpose. That is why. I may not be well. I may not be rich. I am smart. I have time. I want to bring this to my community. Yes it is s BIG Egg on top of that full plate. I will take my time. I will share some of the Egg (ask for help). Like the Egg....I am stronger than one might think. I will serve up this Egg even if it is a bit scrabbled. 😁