5 Alive

Layers unravelling Hidden beneath Keep peeling Away the shell Inside The core All layers gone Reveals Nothing ~A.R.* Lies and deception Land of no honour Turning backs Self agendas Look up Look away Look inside Where is the Win? Grab hands Hold tight One world One fight ~A.R* Traced around Innocence shattered Like porcelain white No tears to shed Trace the line Make the shape Once held this soul Forever lost ~A.R.* Morning comes Darkness hovers Broken mind Shattered heart No magic Slow heal ~A.R.*

Where was I? Some days...not as of late, but there were days I woke feeling good...long ago I had days of great and a period of rocking it. Inbetween always came the nasty, bury my head, waking anxiety or full panic, spinning minds, tears, fears and doomed, with "it's all a catastrophe just play dead". Often I was in a place that Dead sounded as if it called. "Free yourself. Unshackle yourself...come..leave that living hell.. Sleep the neverending sleep." I have had several plans in my life of going out that door with Death. Somehow, most often a person or several have pulled me out of that place in my mind. I am closely approaching another birthday. A bittersweet one at 48. My last was spent in the psych ward for suicide. Much was in my life that felt I was done. I could fight no more. It was hell. I have no words...I am still suffering for the 14 day stay. Terrifying. Our local hospital. Long ago it had been a place of help. They had outpatient service...

Who would want a relationship with me? I am suffering from mental illness. I fight for a happy moment. Physically I continue my cancer journey. It is not pretty. I am often alone. It is very hard. I want to live out my "List" of to do's. I want to share that with someone special. I have a few good friends. Busy lives of their own. I snuggle a teddy bear and extra pillows. I often think this is not much of a life. I fear that I am not ever going to feel that kind of love again. Damaged goods..