Where am I? Where I am

Where was I?

Some days...not as of late, but there were days I woke feeling good...long ago I had days of great and a period of rocking it.

Inbetween always came the nasty, bury my head, waking anxiety or full panic, spinning minds, tears, fears and doomed, with "it's all a catastrophe just play dead".

Often I was in a place that Dead sounded as if it called. "Free yourself. Unshackle yourself...come..leave that living hell..
Sleep the neverending sleep."

I have had several plans in my life of going out that door with Death. Somehow, most often a person or several have pulled me out of that place in my mind.

I am closely approaching another birthday. A bittersweet one at 48. My last was spent in the psych ward for suicide. Much was in my life that felt I was done. I could fight no more.

It was hell. I have no words...I am still suffering for the 14 day stay. Terrifying.
Our local hospital. Long ago it had been a place of help. They had outpatient services for adults. Time with social worker. Programs.

'SAVE MY LIFE SCHOOL" by Natalie Haris is about a program this hospital did. I know because I did it in 1989 and again (twice back to back) in 2006. It doesn't exist as it did.

I had to have my own release plan to be signed off to leave when I stayed.
There is no follow up but for 15 min psychiatrist for med adjustment or emergency.

Burns my ass this community I reside in continuously is out raising money for a government funded youth mental health center while no one is doing anything for those who have suffered years. The adult care is cut.

I regress.

Where am I?

I hate it. I hate that. I feel angry.

It is changes.
I am scared.
I feel unsure.

I am distracting.  One month to big Event I somehow have planned and am executing with help.
Nervous...anxious...firm in my goal.

Then Ahhhhhhhh Terrified.
I will do it. It will be ok. 😳

In my mental health I am struggling. Fighting the inner and outter battle. It really is a total bummer.

My energy and motivation are nil. I took a rest pj day and felt guilty as there is so much to do.

Oh ya. Gotta pack. A move will 🤞 be coming we just going to get a surprise call. Be ready.

Financially I manage. Yes. I am poor by dollar standards. Fortunate I am good at make do. I have well based money fear and a healthy respect for it. I would still love to send smile packages but the cost for postage got ate by a medicine not covered. Yes...this is Canada...surprise, we pay out of pocket for many things.🇨🇦

Health a couple tests but I think I am on the reprive until January. I am ready to turn that whole deal off but you don't tackle cancer issues by ignoring. ( So I have been told. 🤔

Loneliness is my companion.
If you figure that out....🤣😂

Tired is what I have right now. I seem to have it constant. Lulls of energy. Not much. I am fighting the darkness. Anxiety is regular. I am getting as much help as I can.

The key to Where I am is the Will to get to the next part.

; My Story isn't over.