5 Alive

Don't make a move. Don't even breathe. Pretend you're invisible. (Like sitting out in the living room was totally not noticable.) Shhhhhh... my mind was busy working on my predicament. Who was I fooling? I was caught. No place to run to. Face it head on!!, the mind says. I could feel my palms go sweaty with anticipation. Chin up girl, I tell myself. It's just allergies not tears.... Oh hell, how bad can it be? (Thinking commences...) I know.... The demons of yesterday are all over me. Todays life is sending me into waves of clashing times. I push back tears. I just know! It can be a nastiness like no other.

He took 2 , 1cm areas, was supposed to be 1 2mm and a small tag... Hope he got it. Was drugged and froze and home. Meantime... Post surgery. Not feeling good. Bad night. Ptsd triggers. Terrified what is next... #nocancerleftbehind Worrisome. Get results in two weeks. Scared. Angry Confused Hopeless Feeling suicidal. Results are in! Cyst takes and large cell area cleared. Benign this time. (Cut 8 this area on. Pre to cancer to pre...) Anal cancer does not leave so I will face it again and again. Today I got some freedom time for 4 months...fingers crossed. Healing. Grateful for all your support #nocancerleftbehind BUTT I got my eye on it!! A few months of freedom and do my Living list. Then back to oncology for check.

A lot. They used to see me as sensitive. Soft and kind with some spunk. I can handle far more than they knew or know. It is not in pride I say this but as a truth. I am more than you know or understand. I may say what I am facing or coping or I may not. I can make my way somehow. (DID add the helpers) There is backbone here. I am learning that the strength can also be in asking for what you need. ( Like having your friend keep you distracted from self harm during a bad set of days). It isn't always pretty. I get to a messy place and mind space. I am still here. In my life.. The pre cancer is a waiting volcano that has no stop. It will return and cancer is on my path. Time. Use it wisely. Do I fight my depression and anxiety? Daily. I am. Never underestimate your power. We each have this deep in us. Find it and use it. Be brave. We can handle it.

Her long frame Curled in a swirl Legs tight to chest Unfurled to long legged beauty Soft skin pressed closer Seeking safety Desire to mold to near one Being your tangled mess Caressing night With heatbeats Joined ~A.R." Fire bright Lighted circle Swaying flames Smokey sparks Cold night Embrace warmth Embers hot Dazzled Eyes Glowing cheeks Catch her Lock eyes Depth heated Wanted soul Fire bright ~A.R.* Clanging chains Whipped frantically Twisted together Swung furious Dasterdly wind Plays havoc With swings ~A.R.* From her thigh to her hip. He grazed with his lips. Up her side. Laying kisses along the way. His hand tangled in her long hair. Pull back in a jolt. He woke. But a dream she was. ~A.R.* Send me peace A mind at rest Trying hard To do my best Cruel world Illness dwells Body fight The cuts ands swells Soon release It will come Meantime I live Another day ~A.R.* From past to present It comes over me In waves of memory...

I am struggling. I feel like I cannot feel anything. There just is too much I am shut down. My mind is everywhere and nowhere. It is going "Too fast for the Slow Parts" in my life. I have been melancholy much of my day. That has gone now as I am worn. Depleted. A twitter post I made today... Fk you cancer Fk you depression Screw off suicidal thoughts Back off anxiety This is my mantra today! #SickNotWeak #nocancerleftbehind #KeepTalkingMH Tonight no fight left. Yet again, I cannot get myself to sleep. The disconnect from self begins. Tonight I am aware. #DIDprobs ( I will fragment and a part/alter will front and be awake. Doing their own agenda. Perhaps this brain is protecting me from nightmares tonight...sigh.)

March 7th Surgery was more cutting than expected and deep. The pain meds give me nausea and badly puffed eyes. It is now the 13th and I stopped the pain med. Tylenol and Gravol now. I have had so many to date this time I asked a great friend to come help and watch out for me here. I feel very lucky as the recovery has been very hard and I have no energy. Glad I asked for help. Grateful. So many twitter peeps have sent love and support. Kind words help so much. Another week til I get my results. Fear. Cancer sucks. This type is ongoing. What's next?? I am tired and scared. I don't feel good. Time. Wait. So hard.