5 Alive

It can be all shits and giggles at times.  The funny comes out.  Many times it has been the mask of opposites.  To show what I did not feel.  Perhaps in hope that it will penetrate myself.  Pain can run deep beneathe a smile.  It is a way of coping/not coping.  Too long a way to survive some of the brutalities of my own life.  Engrained to be happy or at least show it.  Inner bruises don't show.  There are times the eyes expose the realities.  Most never see.  The clown comes forward to push back my tears.  The stories can flow.  Laughter ensues.  Live outside my box.  This life.  Dancing in my onsie on the balcony. Drop and make a snow angel at random. Organize an adult scavenger hunt. Switch ornaments between neighbours. Jokes and funny faces. For you. For me. Humour over sadness and pain.  In time the issue will catch me. Til then the mask hides my truths.

I seem to be in a really crappy cycle.  I am having lots of nightmares. Flashbacks in the day. My life feels a mess and so out of control. This gives me the mads.  I start the blame game.  All those who have wronged me and how.  I yell at them in my head. How could you??? I feel like I have been left holding many heavy shit bags.  I am overloaded but can't get them off me.  Tied to a past I didn't ask for.  Remembers times when smiles outweighed tears.  Gone. Long ago. You And you And that And them Useless blame.  I have anger and resentment that I let go of...get into a better place in my mind...forgive sort of...then it comes back. I take it back.  I am feeling vulnerable.  I feel very alone in adulting and worry about aging alone.  I feel poor.  In pocket and today a pity poor me.  Today my pot is either overflowing or empty.  I am not sure. 

Well my appointment was supposed to be on the 5th of March.  There was a time mix up and I was on the phone with my Doctor there.  He is the head of radioogy so I was surprosed to get him.  After talking about what is physically going on in my Anal region we decide to try a nerve and anti inflamatory med to see if what was there calmed or stayed.  We decided to meet in 3 weeks......that didn't happen as he had forgot to put my script in before he went on holidays so I had not had enough time tring it.  Now.....Civid 19.  My appointment has been pushed to at least July. I have a tentative date.  Like all medical services here we are diwn to essential only.  I had my 6 plus month break...now it is looking more like a year.  Should I be worried? I know what feels wrong.... Holding on.