5 Alive

Doing the best I can with what I have. Ever changing yet not, I am trying to live in my world. Everything changes. Too much at once is very hard navigating. As 5 we find ourselves very scattered. A dissociative system in disharmony is incredibly draining for one body.  Current and lingering events Death of an Aunt, an Uncle and anothe Aunt of Covid19. Stepfather diagnosed Alzheimers and his licence taken. Sale of our safest spot. A cottage in Muskoka we have gone to since 5 yrs old. A resurgence of cancer issues. Pain and waiting.  Bustitus in right leg that isn't being treated due to Covid. Still trying to ground in new apartment.  Financial issues.  Family... Stuff stuff stuff... Spun is how we are right now. We emotionally contain then burst.  Not fun. Not pretty. Fear, frustration and deep sadness.  Outside this, in the time of a pandemic, we try to look for life. The little rays of light from people, watching wildlife in spring. Taking in fresh air. Learning to relax in today.

Early in my marriage I had a miscarriage but had no idea other than it left scarring. It was picked up somewhere down the line.  When I was 35 I got pretty sick. My menstrual cycle had no cycle. I was having issues daily.  I got pregnant in the November.  I had no idea.  After 3 yrs together he moved on before Christmas I was sick but mending when the morning sickness started. I was back to work. Mornings slugging boxes and doing maintenance work.  One shift the abdominal pain was too much and I went to the ER. That day I found out I was likely just shy of three months. The baby appeared to not be forming corectly.  I left there stunned. Make a decision.  My doctor was pro life. Cripes, I was raised Catholic. They wouldn't give me the abort clinic number.  I found it.  I told the guy. He was well moving on.  I was really not well myself never mind raise an unwell baby or carry til it aborts itself.  I got a friend, who knew how to keep her mouth shut, to take me.  You need no detai