5 Alive

Over and over I am in nightmares. I am trapped. I cannot be freed. I am in mental ward at the hospital. ...I was... Almost 2 weeks there. A month later I am not past it. I bundle tight and have pillows around me. A stuffed animal. A warm bean bag. Earplugs. I get in  the fresh made bed ... I cannot go to sleep. Dark has always been hard. Now it is so much worse. New med added but I seem to fight it. The hospital stay changed how safe I feel. I am not myself. I have more anger. I have aweful anxiety. I am depressed. Stressed.

I feel alone. I feel abandoned I feel angry I feel stuck in a life I can no longer handle the coping. My physical body I cannot connect with. I do not want to be in it. Fresh start. I wish.

I am doing the "time" for a crime I didn't commit. Physically and emotionally have been taken past my line. My life a shambled mess. Run free you all do. I carry the bag from past and future. Today is work. Coping daily a chore. Pain in my body. Pain in my heart. Where are you? Free

I had a meltdown October 12th. I was in suicide mode. My search for proper treatment has been long and has hit walls or been awful to experience. I have hpv related Anal cancer. The costs are high. Financially...many things are not covered. Yes. This is Canada. The system, for me, is broken. I fell through the cracks. Not one doctor treats all..or even more than one thing. Sores on my butt for 3 yrs never touched til I hit the suicide room. The cell they keep you in while assessing you. New spots that are not on the spot that has been cut multiple times. Not my area each doc said....been passed around like a baton no one wants. I searched for my own specialist. Got referred. My wait in pain was to be 6 months!! NO WAY The last time I was left that long with spot like this it was cancer. I know pre cancer present and was being vigilant about keeping an eye on things. I am not a doctor. I was done. No more ability to advocate for myself. My mental state fractured. The repe...

Bahahaha. I wish...or maybe not. Many times the abillity for my brain to shut me down, yet keep my body going as another person, has saved my life. Compartmentalization. I do not require you to believe me. I operate this way..and to my knowledge have for the better part of my life. Yes. Unbeknown to myself for a very long time. I had severe panic disorder with blackouts. My diagnosis ++ has changed over the years of therapy and treatment. Labels. These to direct proper help. I continue this Work. Blocking of memories in trauma. A way for a difficult time to be coped with. More trauma...more Disassociation. Educate yourself. Not my job to create a believer. My job is to look after me by whatever means I can. This train is rolling whether you chose to ride with me or not. I am ME. With DID. The 'battle' is real.

You don't have anything on that ( hot dog, sandwhich, salad, etc) ? No condiments. Thank you. No. Nothing. Yep. Plain. No. Nothing on the side. No condiments. No toppings. Slice cheese maybe. No. That is it. Early in life this refusal of some started. Perhaps was body knowing baby skin problemz so no tomato or like dark veg. No potato. A growing list. Perhaps texture. I still have these. Over time condiments and food used negatively. I am adverse. I can barely touch ketchup bottle or mustard.. I don't eat at otbers if I don't know them well or the food. I try to explain...is easier to not be hungry... Trigger for me and some I know why and some I don't. I just know my reaction remains. I am picky. I am cautious. Paranoid at times. Food issues are tough. I don't not eat. I adjust. No to the stuff is no. For me. You want it plain? 😁

Are you going to be able to look after yourself? Who will look after you? When will you be able to hear your alters? Are your alters scary? When will you be well? Are you getting integrated? Did the hospital stay teach you a lesson? How was the psych ward? Do you still have cancer? How is home?