Physical health/Mental health Distaster

I had a meltdown October 12th.
I was in suicide mode.
My search for proper treatment has been long and has hit walls or been awful to experience.
I have hpv related Anal cancer.
The costs are high.
Financially...many things are not covered. Yes. This is Canada. The system, for me, is broken. I fell through the cracks.
Not one doctor treats all..or even more than one thing.
Sores on my butt for 3 yrs never touched til I hit the suicide room. The cell they keep you in while assessing you.
New spots that are not on the spot that has been cut multiple times.
Not my area each doc said....been passed around like a baton no one wants.
I searched for my own specialist. Got referred. My wait in pain was to be 6 months!! NO WAY
The last time I was left that long with spot like this it was cancer.
I know pre cancer present and was being vigilant about keeping an eye on things.
I am not a doctor.
I was done. No more ability to advocate for myself.
My mental state fractured. The repeated trauma of having my privates checked by all sorts of docs took its toll.
No more. Tapping out. Off to hospital because I had 900 pills saved and ready..
Caught.
I spent 13 days, including my 47th birthday, on the psych ward which I call hell or the PEN.
I have never been treated like that ever. Worse than had I committed a major felony.
Gaurded. Watched. Listened in on. Denied any priviledge.
If you didn't conform or agree regarding anything...even to ask for anything meant a verbal grill.
They have a scary spot they like to call the Extra Care Unit...aka "the Hole".
I saw a young man get taken there at night for refusing a particular med and not speaking. He was forced to the Hole.
A cell. Bed. Camera. Put blues on. No water or food or blanket until they decide. 5 days...he was still in there when I got sprung.
There were arts and not much more in the way of help. Know your meds or methadone clinic.
I heard murders being planned on the phone.
Calls for patient advocates or lawyers.
Filthy mouths yelling in the hall.
Verbal lashes between patients.
Nurses on their phones not paying attention as some silverwear made its way out on the floor. (Found a spoonlike shiv in the common room 😨)
Pills shared by some. Sone had stuff brought in.
Sex in the bathroom or shower. Against rules for men and women to get close...hmm it is not applied. 
Confused dementia patients nurses not assisting. Left to their walkers and hopefully a helpful roommate.
I had many sleepless nights. Some due to a roomie with dementia that was hallucinating and screaming. Also grabbing me to tell me she was going to die when I did get to sleep.
Pills and more pills to keep you in control.
Mayhem.
Terrifying.
Traumatizing to say the least.
I am still sleeping with my blankets wrapped tight around me. Feeling anxiety at high level all day. Just want to hide.

Where is the help?

The physical body is struggling. For me it has many emotions in roar.
Anger, sadness...the losses of how I feel about my body...what is my future? Alone?
Shame. I did not deserve or earn this. I still pay over and over. Me. Broken body. (Who would love this hpv girl?😶
Fear. Lots of that with my sphyncter at risk. My life at risk.
IBS in full flare and tore my rear while in hospital.
Biopsies on my birthday. Now I wait for results. I also wait for a third spot to be done.
Again..found a new specialist that is 3 hrs north. I hope for soon.
I am living on an edge with depression in tow.
Everyday is work.
How long can I keep on?
Moment to moment.