5 Alive

Sometimes I float away. Or go deep within myself. I cannot hear or respond to my environment. My body and/or mind is on overdrive. Autopilot seems to have kicked in. I say "my lights are on but nobody's home". I am gapping out, zoning out, partially shut down. Some call this A State of Fugue. Disassosiation. It can last seconds or much longer. Some people can miss large chunks of time in this state. I would prefer it didn't happen at all.

Breathe and make thr best of the moments as you would everyday. Think of each other. Do your best. Small successes. Know your limits. Stay grounded. Take breathers. Reach out if you are struggling. Love to all. Merry Christmas. No I am not feeling the joy of this but I am doing my best. Cold and all. I can do it. #SickNotWeak #KeepTalkingMH And all others.

Silence self To bear this weight Life balance To find In rest I heal ~A.R. Look to the sky For my eyes My soul Refect back to They who look Hard ~A.R. No wind to glide on Wings of strength Freedom flight Take heights Lift me Away ~A.R. Heavy The little stones Experiences Some Dark weights In heart Add up Strings Releasing Time held Tears Carry on Carry on ~A.R.

Welcome Winter. You white cold fickle season. I get You. I understand. Mixed up. Sparkling through bitterness. Throwing a blastful fit of fury. I cry when You sleet too. Nastiness happens. That feeling of coming but then going. Moreso last several years. Me as well. I understand Winter. It is testing season. How long? How hard will it be? How much can you handle? Will it ever be over. I feel You, Winter.

It is a really cold and loooonnnely night in December. Freezing temperatures that chill to the bone. Memories flood this time of year. Winters long ago now. Times with a partner planning the holidays. A home to decorate. Places to go. Christmas gatherings. Friends. Fun. Food. Laughter. Here I sit alone. Silence is my partner. Quietly stoic. A wall. Numb and cold. Does Silence listen to me? Many experience sadness, anxiety, depression etc this time of year. With that lots of reasons. Sun deprivation. Sleeplessness. Money worries. Job problems. Family or lack of family issues... Nothing is festively bright if we aren't feeling a happiness within. Our coping becomes difficult. Many of us would like to skip it altogether. This is, afterall, the season of sharing love and joy with family and friends. Traditions. Festivity. The lights and shìmmer. Love and beauty. Hmmm...fruitcake and eggnog. Bahhh Eggnog. Not this day. No spirit in this night. Maybe tomorrow....

I woke up miserable. I get little sleep at night. The sleep I get is fitfull snd can be ridden with nightmares. I do take sleep medication but often fear is more powerful than them and I am up. If you know about Disassociation (DID) then you would understand that it is not always known to me that I am up and about. I have parts/alters. One is Wee. 5 yrs old. Wee is afraid. I have tried about everything to get this part to understand in Now she/we are safe. Nope. She is up and does her own thing the better part of the night. So. Today was empty cornflake box. Cereal. She ate it in 5 days!🤢 I am feeling the effects. There have been other things and it is often. Food free for all happens. She once ate all the raisins out of a box of Raisin Bran in one go. Every last one. 😲 She gets a note from me about these things. Problem is I don't always know what has caused my distress til later...live and learn for this system with Wee. 4 Alters. She is the youn...

I used to use blame. It is what I knew. Ie: You make me feel angry. You did that and hurt me. I am learning that we are each responsible for our own feelings. We cannot assume the intent of another. We feel. Absolutely. Our responses are ours though. There is an anology: A joke is told two laugh, one is angry and one burst into tears. The jokster is on tv.... Each have different responses. Is this the joksters doing? Does that tv person have that power....to make you feel? Feelings are part innate and part learned through experience. Peer influence and life factors contribute.  I have to own my feelings. I can make some change in my responses. I can clarify with the other person intent. I can convey what I have going on inside. I can think about my reaction. Act Not React Separate the other person from the behavior...as we all make errors and do things without thinking. Love the person Not the behavior. When we own our feelings we can work to free ourselves. The ...