5 Alive

I grabbed a cigarette. Thinking this was one cool old guy.  We started therapy at that little brown shack.  'Emergency' it said on the door.  'Crisis'.  Yep. I fit it.  I was ready to drive into a brick wall. Something, inside...a block to this end.  I think he suspected then. Disassociative. No word. He would ask "Are you in there?" as I often fogged out.  Sometimes..." That is odd..." "That doesn't sound like you..."  Odd times I would find him staring at me looking shocked. It was long ago now.  I needed help and this man did what he could.  He was good with me.  No one knew about DID then.  We didn't know we were multiple.  I really didn't feel it unless I panicked and felt like I had a blackout.  I was young.  University was a huge step that had set me off.  Working 3 jobs and saving to go had been the  pressure.  I would also have been the first in my family to go. I felt that.  We worke...

I can see her Not close enough Eyes pleading Noise drowns  Her screams I can see hands  Tugging her As I reach Close, so close I can feel Her deep terror Desperation I cannot get her I beg to the sky I beg to those hands Release her Release her Release me Let me go  Please Its a dream. I have these type frequent.  A child No faces I am outside But it is me At other times I am older Again, outside myself.  Perhaps 12 at most.  It is so real.  Sound. Smell. Details. No faces. Mine.  No perpetrator.  Hands. A necklace. Not enough.  A nightmare. A flashback.  They come frequent.  I know feeling stressed and vulnerable makes it happen often times.  Sometimes it is a way in starting to heal from some of these traumatic events. I know, therefore, I can work on.  A painful path.  I am tired.  My body is sore.  I feel quite drained.  Day rest seems easier. I have fewer of these terrors.  Nap. Nap....

Silenced by the perpetrators of my abuse, over years, different people at different times made it clear the importance of secrets.  To speak the truths as a child would be ignored and painfully quieted.  Threats made to loved ones also firmed my mouth in resolve of self censorship.  In doing so, under circumstances a mind cannot process my psyche splintered. I fragmented in mind several times over.  In aging some of these self secrets have come forward. Memories clear and detailed. Flashbacks. Secrets from my past have been told by some who have forgotten they were secrets... These have been like a flood of pieces of my life puzzlecoming together. Things from 40 us years ago begin to make sense.  What to do with some of this is still eluding.  Sigh. 

Been a string of grey and tough days.  Lots of just life and maneuvering all unfamiliar territory.  Part, the move, and the continued work shifting things in the building. New elevators and windows is hectic and noisy.  Part is a feeling of deja vu from long ago married days.  So 'we' have some confusion and that has led to panic and panic hooking flashbacks. We have medication to try to cope. I have gotten pretty housebound. Not doing peopling.  The hardest is my calling and visiting folks. Particularly my step father...he is in mind decline very fast and I really am not coping.  As a system we are all over.  We just haven't been coping with life.  I have been hit and miss with any communication.  My anxiety is out of control.  Stress is really high.  Too many things.  Mostly around my parents.  My step father has been my rock. There is also now age released secrets that thry both share...I feel confused about the history...

Sleepy Hollow A safe, quiet spot. Nestled in my own blankets with pillows in comfort. The heaviness of fatigue drawn on my face. Lines of the day blurred. Time in and out. I need to lay. Find sleep. If only the others within me would cooperate. Yes..we are 5 in total. At 49 active, little co consciousness due to a self protection, 4 aware and busy alters. Each with purpose and agenda. Often I, the 'host', will lay to sleep and another will get up.  Oh so tired. The doctor sent a note to put up for All in me to see the periods the body requires sleep.  It appears some may see this as a recomendation rather than  Perscription.  Soon a pass out for a long period will happen. It always has been. A body will look after itself as well as it is able. Shut down much required. Lay and wait.

A quiet night Darkness blurred Flurries fly Scattered white Speckled sky To ground It falls Watching still Calming found Breaking down Heart walls To lift Come light It's whirling Storm ~A.R.* When the pain of life Is howling in my head I run at will Such heavy dread Tears stream hard  Like the pounding rain Blinding me still No place to hide It is all lost Churned past inside ~A.R.* I will not cave  I will not crubble To be your slave I see you there Your lies Inficting despair Taking my mind A fight unfair They call you  Depression I call you out Out of my way I fight today ~A.R.* Wearing weighted feathers Beaten iron Layered stength Protective layer I cannot fly Earthbound Warrior of truths ~A.R.* Ice crusted lashes Snow swirled blindly Bundled tight Harshness endured Air freshly clear A mind to settle Blow through me Great winds white Clean my wounds Before my tears Freeze to my heart ~A.R.*

It became so clear.  A truth I had tried so valiantly to avoid.  It was staring at me.  Crazy Eyes was there.  It was apparent his mind was lost.  In swirls he was stuck in repetition.  Tone of frustration turning to anger.  Something I had seen so long ago had resurfaced but differently.  It was dementia.  Severely out.  It had him.  My heart clenched.  Tears streamed and stained my cheeks.  I felt raw and exposed.  Human facing the downturn of life.  It's harsh ending.  Unsure.  No path.  Taking him in bits.  Now quickly.  He felt foreign to her.  This man.  Her father.