5 Alive

The no talk rule is often present in families with mental illness, abuse types, finacial issues etc. Silence. And not always a literally spoken rule. Just known. Many call this "The Elephant Under The Carpet". Pretend it's not there. No Talk can be serious as silence brews many other modes of coping. Some turn to self medicating, forms of denial, hidden self loathing, mental disorders. When we learn early to not talk it becomes a way of survival and learning otherwise...albeit freeing...takes work and time and lots of trust. Reality does get blurry when you learn to pretend something is not happening. There also comes a sense of fear if "The Elephant" gets exposed. Exposing the Elephant is brave. Many may not be happy. Many may shut you dowm. Some will turn away. Sometimes you become a new "Elephant" for them. I am learning that I find me through my past. My experiences ...the good, bad and ugly. Is it my focus? Only in knowing can I know what I ...

The floor is cold under my bare feet. Damp. I can't reach the string. The one that turns on the hanging bulb. I hate The Hole. This is the closet where the sump pump is. Creepy. The door is slated and they have me shut in. I can't see. I can hear. I know. It's not my turn. Three girls. Two boys. The Hole is musty. I am sure there are spiders. The mouse trap always set. I don't move.  It is summer out. We are in the basement. Dark. I want out. I can't breathe. I am scared. I don't want to play this game. He stinks. He sticks his tongue in my mouth. His fingers...it hurts. I am not big enough to push him off me. He is older and stronger. I don't like him but it's not my idea. I am much younger, 5 plus years between them and I. I don't want to be here. The Hole. Out means my turn.

I keep trying to run The tides coming in Crashing the shore From the evil my storm My soul is on fire I run with desire Been doing it awhile It is life that I hide from Answers I seek Trying to breathe With the tide crashing down Hopes and dreams have gotten unsure Cannot find my way I'm running all night And running all day ~A.R.

I believe we all tell ourselves many things. We have a set of standards, ideals, morals and values. We have instinctual and learned things muddling around in our minds. The environment, peers and experiences we have when growing as children will forever be imprinted. I like to call mine "The Panel". It feels like that a lot. Like there is a counsel and consult commitee giving directions. I believe there isn't always clarity and I am just winging it as I make my way. Some of the self talk...the things I have come to believe and tell myself are crap. Bullshit. Lies. They come from negative peers. I can almost hear the person telling me. I bought in. I believed always and is something I am unlearning. I am learning the truths I need to tell myself. Positive self talk. Knowing my value and purpose and believing I am worthy. To tell myself "I am enough just as I am". Sorting out what are my own standards and beliefs...not those that were imposed on me as a child...

As a coping mechanism disassociation with firm alters can be funny at times. I spend some of my time in a state of anxiety and fear thus alters get more active. I am tired and vulnerable so an alter may be trying to ease My burden by being present. I do not have conscious connection with my alters..in words or action. Formethe times of them out and active are a Blackout period. This can be seconds or minutes..hours to days. What I learn is from seeing changes in my environment or from what someone else tells me. Some things alters write to me or voice record etc. This blog is dedicated to some of the funny things I figure out...or wake to..😄 When you come to and all of a sudden there are rements od parts/extras/alters being active; I turn and there is half a painting not mine...or my toenails repainted or something I had a shower or a bath I don't recall Dishes were done and I am dressed... I didn't have a pop now I do... Furniture moved... Bathroom cleane...

Some of you know me. Many of you don't. I am curently living with Anal Cancer that is ongoing. I have a great deal of difficulty with managing on little sleep. As my alters/parts are on different agendas in one body...disassociation (DID) has a vast array of struggles. We are all trying to cope. There is pain and discomfort. We don't feel well most days. I am not in chemo or radiation at this point as I am supposed to have surgury for another growth. This week the surgeon wanted to send me back to the specialist in Toronto. I could not believe he would even mention her name considering I think of her as the butcher...👀 When hell freezes over. Not ever, ever, ever again. I went back to the oncologist that same day. We discussed this. Yep. New Surgeon. I am out of my mind with this endless nightmare. So....how do I get through day to day? With limited energy I have some out time and lots of easy time. I try to nap. But it does not always happen despite the ...

My niece is in University. She was doing a paper for a psychology class about Complex Post Traumatic Disorder and Disassociation. Being as that is part of my diagnosis she asked me four questions; 1. What symptoms do you experience with this disorder? 2. How does it impact your daily life? relationships? & how? 3. What treatments do you receive? 4. How did you learn you had this disorder? 1. Symptoms for me Skipped time.. Odd sensation of not being alone Anxiety and panic Flashbacks (memories in detail) State of fugue or a stuck moment ..zoned out ..used to call the look Shell Shock as most PTSD cases documented were of war veterans ((Complex ptsd is commonly trauma based. Most often repeated traumas in childhood. Coping the mind shifts the trauma to another part which over time becomes a part of a coping system. )) I often feel confused. I am sensory sensitive. Easily startled. Often frustrated. Lack of sleep as alters up all night. 2. I am no longer able to hold...