5 Alive

Sometimes I float away. Or go deep within myself. I cannot hear or respond to my environment. My body and/or mind is on overdrive. Autopilot seems to have kicked in. I say "my lights are on but nobody's home". I am gapping out, zoning out, partially shut down. Some call this A State of Fugue. Disassosiation. It can last seconds or much longer. Some people can miss large chunks of time in this state. I would prefer it didn't happen at all.

Breathe and make thr best of the moments as you would everyday. Think of each other. Do your best. Small successes. Know your limits. Stay grounded. Take breathers. Reach out if you are struggling. Love to all. Merry Christmas. No I am not feeling the joy of this but I am doing my best. Cold and all. I can do it. #SickNotWeak #KeepTalkingMH And all others.

Silence self To bear this weight Life balance To find In rest I heal ~A.R. Look to the sky For my eyes My soul Refect back to They who look Hard ~A.R. No wind to glide on Wings of strength Freedom flight Take heights Lift me Away ~A.R. Heavy The little stones Experiences Some Dark weights In heart Add up Strings Releasing Time held Tears Carry on Carry on ~A.R.

Welcome Winter. You white cold fickle season. I get You. I understand. Mixed up. Sparkling through bitterness. Throwing a blastful fit of fury. I cry when You sleet too. Nastiness happens. That feeling of coming but then going. Moreso last several years. Me as well. I understand Winter. It is testing season. How long? How hard will it be? How much can you handle? Will it ever be over. I feel You, Winter.

It is a really cold and loooonnnely night in December. Freezing temperatures that chill to the bone. Memories flood this time of year. Winters long ago now. Times with a partner planning the holidays. A home to decorate. Places to go. Christmas gatherings. Friends. Fun. Food. Laughter. Here I sit alone. Silence is my partner. Quietly stoic. A wall. Numb and cold. Does Silence listen to me? Many experience sadness, anxiety, depression etc this time of year. With that lots of reasons. Sun deprivation. Sleeplessness. Money worries. Job problems. Family or lack of family issues... Nothing is festively bright if we aren't feeling a happiness within. Our coping becomes difficult. Many of us would like to skip it altogether. This is, afterall, the season of sharing love and joy with family and friends. Traditions. Festivity. The lights and shìmmer. Love and beauty. Hmmm...fruitcake and eggnog. Bahhh Eggnog. Not this day. No spirit in this night. Maybe tomorrow....

I woke up miserable. I get little sleep at night. The sleep I get is fitfull snd can be ridden with nightmares. I do take sleep medication but often fear is more powerful than them and I am up. If you know about Disassociation (DID) then you would understand that it is not always known to me that I am up and about. I have parts/alters. One is Wee. 5 yrs old. Wee is afraid. I have tried about everything to get this part to understand in Now she/we are safe. Nope. She is up and does her own thing the better part of the night. So. Today was empty cornflake box. Cereal. She ate it in 5 days!🤢 I am feeling the effects. There have been other things and it is often. Food free for all happens. She once ate all the raisins out of a box of Raisin Bran in one go. Every last one. 😲 She gets a note from me about these things. Problem is I don't always know what has caused my distress til later...live and learn for this system with Wee. 4 Alters. She is the youn...

I used to use blame. It is what I knew. Ie: You make me feel angry. You did that and hurt me. I am learning that we are each responsible for our own feelings. We cannot assume the intent of another. We feel. Absolutely. Our responses are ours though. There is an anology: A joke is told two laugh, one is angry and one burst into tears. The jokster is on tv.... Each have different responses. Is this the joksters doing? Does that tv person have that power....to make you feel? Feelings are part innate and part learned through experience. Peer influence and life factors contribute.  I have to own my feelings. I can make some change in my responses. I can clarify with the other person intent. I can convey what I have going on inside. I can think about my reaction. Act Not React Separate the other person from the behavior...as we all make errors and do things without thinking. Love the person Not the behavior. When we own our feelings we can work to free ourselves. The ...

Some days there is not a day. I prefer to hide in any acceptable (or not) method of dodging my world as much as I can. I feel empty I feel beyond tired I have the shakes I hurt but cannot explain I want to cry I don't wan't anyone to see My mind is everywhere but nowhere I have a tight chest I need quiet Or my own distraction Nothingness Attempting to connect to the online world...is my pace and unlike fellow house member, I can turn off. Sometimes I can't cope with questions and probing etc. Needing space. Alone. Slow. Basics. Days like these are long and painfully drawn out. I got through. Again.

Back to new specialist...3 hours north of home...4 in a snowstorm!😨 It was a heck of a drive. Going north thru bush and rock on the 6 to 4 to 2 to 4 lane highway.  Wind and snow and those crusty little snowballs... Made it. Nerves rattling. New Anal Cancer Specialist was very compassionate and informing and ...gentle. It is an aweful process but I got thru the check. I have two spots that need to be removed. "They are nothing until they are something" is how it is. I feel...a lot...but I am so tired. Relief as I could feel something not right. Anger this continues on and on ...like I am planning hospital stuff all over for New Year already. Sad I am missing so much living time... That Is NOT the list I want to be doing! Maybe I need to plan Me days inbetween...yes..plan some of that much needed self care! (Honestly my brain body and heart all just wish to wrap up tight and hide in sleep) For tonight rest. Pull thoughts together. Breathe lots. ...

There are many things about me that are unusual. I don't advertise nor do I hide. Mental health has been my primary focus Many tools are handy with cancer diagnosis. Mine is Anal Cancer. Not one talked about often. I was asked some time ago, with my cancer diagnosis, would I allow my picture to be taken along my journey? A friend's project. As a professional photographer this friend had lost both parents as well as his best life friend to cancer. A portrayal of the person as patient. At some point to use for display for cancer awareness. Where it goes...well we are still on that journey. I agreed. This is one of the first series of pictures. It was taken the night before cancer surgery. He wanted to see Real.

I have do much going on. I am tackling my physical living space  boxing up and cleaning.  Total hell actually. A mice army to battle.. I am winning. Their hidy holes have been cleared. It is a lot of pulling out stuff to clean and might as well sort at same time. With that always comes memory lane. Good - Bad -Indifferent/no big link Processing can be like yanking on scabs. Many are more like stitch marks now, and emote no great feeling or power over where my mind goes. Happiness .. joys..loses.. regrets.. laughter to tears ..the pieces that all in all make Me. The items. Far too many to list but years of photos. Lost pets collars and toys. My wedding certificate And divorce...(I have no children) Dad stuff. The small treasured gifts from friends past and present. My yearbooks. Letters. Wedding memorabialia. On and on. I am grateful for the full life these things represent. What to keep? Sell or give away? Toss time? I conclude only this ~ I have too much stuff. ...