5 Alive

I have an ongoing cancer. I had my 3 month check. I haven't been feeling right... I have more tests which is always stressful. I feel so many things. I need a break for awhile. This choice is mine in many respects I am surviving Anal Cancer. It is similar, in some respects to skin cancer. Mine starts small as spot and spreads like little cauliflower along the surface and then inward. If left its progression will be a huge risk to my sphyncter. Colostomy.... Mestasis.... For me it is a lot of unknowns. Oncology has brochures on all kinds of cancer but not mine. Information on the web is not always reliable or accurate or does not pertain to my scenario. There are few specialists in Ontario. The treatment available here is not as forward as other places. I feel so much. I feel numb. I feel devastated. I feel confused. I feel. Spin

Throwing away lines No standards or boxes She tossed aside it all Raw and exposed An end of chains Imposed and self enforced Series of Masks Scattered And here she whispered "I am lost in the dark" ~A.R. *

Mrs. Sasquatch was of the western dark clan. Her hair dark and course. Mr. Sasquatch was a light brown. A thinning head with grey throughout. His clan was from East. This distinction is important. Their clans were certainly had great history of bloody battles. Time had not healed many rifts. It had become almost innate to turn on each other. At first love had them blinded to each others falacies. Time wore off the cuteness of the others behavior to absolute disdain. Perhaps it was age. Whatever the case to be witness to the disintigration of what was once love is heartbreaking. One verbal bashing after another. Slick sarcasm and sharp tongues. Then silence. A wait in tension for the nasty to raise it's ugly head. Aging can be cruel. Sharing the moments is very important as we enter our final phase of life. The Sasquatch couple...aging badly I see and hear in sadness.

I have waking anxiety. I have been struggling with depression. It has bogged me down. Lack of sleep. Worry for worries sake. Life circumstances and I am overwhelmed by my life. Stuck in a place that I am falling further in depression. It is great for another to say "just think positive". What you think and what you feel do not always match. I want to be positive. I want to feel that happiness. I want to smile brightly from my heart. I have darkness. Rolling fog. I cannot find the positive switch. Flick it on. I can fake it. Looks good on the outside but dying within. Waking anxiety is brutal. I am running before I have lifted my head. Heart racing, sweats, tight chest. Fear on me with a mind feeding it. I breathe. Do slow stretching to distract. I tell myself I am ok. I am safe. Reality is not so much that way. Many parts of security are comprimised. My freedom...I live in apartment with my aging parents. Yes I have mental illness. It does not negate my abilities ...