Waking Anxiety-Days...

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I have waking anxiety. I have been struggling with depression. It has bogged me down. Lack of sleep. Worry for worries sake. Life circumstances and I am overwhelmed by my life.

Stuck in a place that I am falling further in depression.
It is great for another to say "just think positive". What you think and what you feel do not always match.
I want to be positive.
I want to feel that happiness.
I want to smile brightly from my heart.

I have darkness. Rolling fog.
I cannot find the positive switch. Flick it on. I can fake it. Looks good on the outside but dying within.

Waking anxiety is brutal. I am running before I have lifted my head. Heart racing, sweats, tight chest. Fear on me with a mind feeding it.
I breathe. Do slow stretching to distract. I tell myself I am ok. I am safe.
Reality is not so much that way.

Many parts of security are comprimised.
My freedom...I live in apartment with my aging parents. Yes I have mental illness. It does not negate my abilities to look after me. As I have D.I.D. and alters I am well equiped. I have for 47 years.

My choices for home..I need to move and I am on a list. The wait is not determined..nor where I will be located.

My little dog for therapy is not certified...will he be ok to go with me??

I am surviving cancer. Watching and cutting. I leave my hair grow because I have it until things worsen.
Last surgery was April 9th. I know things are not ok. Pain in a fresh area. Sore in a way I have come to see turns not good.

A part of my thought is that I don't want anyone to touch it anymore. Leave me alone. Let it grow. I don't want to go for more cuts. Or anything at all. Go Away!!

Part knows it can't be left. It could go very bad and colostomy certain.
Fk fk fk. There are no words for all of this!!

Keep going. You are strong.

Waking anxiety...It needs to stop. No day should start that way.

To all of you who follow me...who care..my friends..family that honest in caring...send me the push to keep on.

I am #SickNotWeak. I will #keeptalkingMH

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