5 Alive

Old gargoyles Come to life In sun or dark A mighty fright Their faces frown Upon the happy Knocking down love Lashes of tongue Fierce til time Turns them back To stone ~A.R.* Crashing waves Over jagged rock Carving its way Layers softened By water strength Tumbled glass Pieces edgeless Shores sea glitter In sand Timeless ~A.R* With quiet strokes Paddle in hand Gentle waters Canoe barely breaking A world alone Enjoyed peace Calming force Empowering task Enjoyed ~A.R* I may crumble I may fall Skinned knees Tired and broken Time may pass Yet I rise Feet unsteady Forward motion In bits It comes The journey Continues ~A.R* Glazed over Thick mist hovers Just above the surface Dark waters Blanketed in white Rocks gently crest Its surface Still air Warm meets cold Til sun Burns it away ~A.R.* Photo by  @TheWeInMe https://t.co/JpiV9I00UcChild rest

What can I tell you? I have DID and things gets complicated at times. 5 alive is 4 plus me. My emotions are often heightened because I have 'extra persons' inside. For some DIDs it is the opposite in many ways. They feel little or no emotion as their 'parts' can house different feelings. There really is no set mould for how a DID presents. Trauma in early childhood gone untreated can manifest many different ways of coping. I do not have many answers. I know and am still learning about my own Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do know that unlike many I have no co consciousness. No connection of thought with my parts. I get information like cards in a rolodex. Who put which card in I am not always sure. I know enough about them to guess whom might it be from. Who was there when I was 'inside'?? That meaning I am not present. Like a blackout for me. Sometimes I feel the miss of time and sometimes not particularly. It can feel like a blip. Like the lights fli...

It is not hard or costly to be kind. Even on your darkest day remember to be kind to yourself. On a better day share what you have in you. Kindness. It can be a minor thing. A wave. A thank you. A note. A smile. An " are you ok"? Hold a hand or give a hug.  Be the example of decency and  graciousness. We are here for one reason or another. In common we can be Kind.

When we have a shift...a switch..it can be for many reasons. Right now it is a feeling of trapped with Jykll and Hyde. For the body we feel pressure. We are lots of skipping/shifting/ switching of each of us or some together or not. This Dissociation thing is a total bummer. When SHE is gone...well if you know her @AFR365 on twitter, April, big April we know she is the light even in her own shithole. We like that song by Bill Withers...Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone. Reminds us of her. Been some crappola day for 5 Alive. We wish we could work miracles but we don't have any magic. We hold the fort down. Defect. Ignore. Buffer. Til she is back it is kind of like a hazy rain day.

As the world spins, seemingly out of control, I hold firm. We have great things in common as humans. Individuals all unique. I keep these words as good mental health boosts. In me, in you, somewhere... these reside in strength. Kindness Peace Compassion Empathy Hope Laughter Brightness Happy Smiles Curiousity Intelligence Trust Resiliance Promise Shelter Friendliness Encouragement Giving Freedom Spirit Magic Inspiration Values Dancing Cheers Calm Sharing Truth Love Just words perhaps. With each I feel a stir. Memories. People. Events. Places. There is good in this world. Worth in the living. Life storms have made me who I am. Alongside are the triumps and joyous moments. Through laughter and tears I grew and will continue to do so. I hope when I leave this world I have found my way to be the words strung together as lights for others.

Be a part of raising awareness, sharing the stories, educating, helping one another, and ending stigma in Mental Health/Illness. There is a huge community helping each other as many cannot get the help services required to find coping and healing. Many are already working to raise awareness and end stigma. Blogging, podcasting, writing books, sharing tips, starting groups, walking or running for charities, etc. Mental health is a big part of how we get to live life to it's fullest. Each of of us, with or without any disorder or illness has a voice, a keyboard, a kind word to another. This is part of your story too. Change, growth, awareness, health can come with the help of many. It is together we journey. Share yourself. Share your story.

There are many challenges in life. We don't get to pick many things we experience. Coming from a background of many abuses and abusers PTSD, anxiety, depression and Disocciative Identity Disorder developed. After many many moons I have done the majority of the trauma work needed to have my system of alters work more congruently. Far from perfect but more managable. I feel as integrated as possible at this time and am now focusing on my physical health and coping. I was diagnosed with Anal Cancer in 2014. It is slow progression and difficult to treat. Many surgeries to try to keep my sphyncter intact. Avoiding radiation and chemo as long as possible. I know it is there. I know it is growing. Time. Who knows what is to come. Another invisible illness that cannot be seen. "You look great" "You are so strong" "You are going to be ok." I know you cannot see my innards twist or my mind spin. I share my story so others know I too understand how it...

Living in the best and the worst time. I have this period of 'time off' I was supposed to be free of hospitals and doctor checks and any physical crappola. Unfortunately I am dealing with a 'woman's issue' requiring an out patient doctor. I had pain so bad and a bowel not working I was sure my cancer had spread. Good news not at all my bowel but my bowel reacting to inflamation on that side. It can be fixed but nothing happens fast even after an ambulance ride to hospital. I have another 2 month wait for the proceedure. September. Wowzers. Unbelievable that this is considered timely care in Canada. Makes me scared about my own health problems never mind many others I know are in similar positions. Just wow. Pain I cannot fix myself. Pushing on trying to enjoy the moments.