5 Alive

@crazyasscancer  That was her handle on Twitter.  She was a stage 4 Anal Cancer warrior .  2016 Being myself stage 0-1 I had started to look for others with same cancer.  There was little information about it and it was then quite embarrasing for me to talk about.  I found @abumrap first on twitter and from there found two others.  One passed that first year.  Michelle was still fighting and out sharing, educating and writing a book.  We talked on several occassions. She was kind and inspiring.  She had a family she was proud of. She foughy for long term palliative care for cancer patients.  She living her life the best she could She passed on June 10th.  I had known she was in for a lung biopsy months ago but there had been no talk of it since.  I am still in shock she has gone. Her battle complete.  I mourn for her, her family and life friends.  For me I mourn her as well as turn to my own anal cancer. I am in the m...

There are many things going in in my life.  With PTSD and DID it gets very confusing as We try to manuever big issues we face; Deaths of safe loved ones Alzheimers loss parental Financial strain  Resurge of Anal cancer issues Severe bursitus in leg still waiting treatment New Surgeon to get used to (abuse issues) Covid backups in healthcare so long waits for visits and tests And so on... I find myself thinking back.  My mind seemingly a vault of pictures, short movies, clippings of lives past.  Some complete with sound and smell if dwelled into more of a fear flashback.  The bits and pieces memories can come faster and faster.  Many stories.  Adrenalyn heightens perhaps.  Layers and jumbling.  No rhyme or reason to my conversation.  Bouncing in history.  I have been told I become discombobulated.  In the calm these moments in reminiscing can be part of healing.  Memories as puzzle pieces.  Alter times that now brought...

Have you ever just felt lost?  My world, my body, my supports...everything it feels like its upside down.  I feel vulnerable and scared and sad and mad.and confused.  I feel like I am trapped in this as so much is out of my hands. Think positive..they say... I feel broken and lost.  I cannot find this positive you speak of.  Between tears I look for it.