5 Alive

I cannot be more than I am. I can stretch my limits. I push beyond my comfort. I will not please everyone. I must please me. Knock me down. Not enough. Hurt inside for this is all I have. I gave. To depletion. I took time to rebuild. Torn down again. Not right. Not perfect. Expectation not met. I am me. One person. Hurdles behind and hurdles again. I can only walk my path...often I crawl. See me. Accept me. Enjoy while I am here. That is all I can do. Focus on what is. In moments.

And then there was silence But never in her head A confusion and flurry Within her ~A.R* Survived Survived Again Survived Life's course With risk A list to fulfill Survive Before Eatten alive. ~A.R.* Of all the things I knew Of what I'd learned The life experienced Much still illlusive My heart Searching An answer Does it exist? ~A.R.* Held back One only Holding so much Running Freeing Shedding away Yesterdays' Dropped And disappated The tear ~A.R.* I won't be your puppet I am nobody's fool A promise is a deal Let's be real I be as I am Do not misunderstand Reach deep To understand Be there No games No deals It's now for me Let it be See ~A.R.*

Being the technical whiz is not my forte. I found a great 5 minute podcast explaing Disassociative Identity Disorder in laymans terms. Just s brief, very easy antidote that anyone could relate and understand.  I have no clue how to attach it to my blog. Check out @sundaynighton7’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/sundaynighton7/status/907137146712072192?s=09

Instead of living in the pain of my past I acknowledge it. Chosing to make it a foundation for today. It can be hard within our daily challenges to find find peace within ourselves. I will be who I am. Some things...like triggers will happen..crummy days where I do not feel gratitude. My point is trying to shift focus. Forward. Purpose. Facing today's challenges and finding tools and resourses to support my physical and mental health. I have learned many things in my life experiences. It's my story. I need to keep moving with it. Let life evolve and emerge. Doing it is the challenge! Accept nows stuff. Never easy. Focus on moments knowing that the today and tomorrows are mine. Staying mindful of each moment is difficult for me. Busy brain does not want to settle. (PTSD) One practice that does seem to help is Tea Meditation. Here is how Charlie K. (Charlie's Planet - blogger) describes it; The power of tea Practice mindfulness with a steaming hot cup of tea. Fe...

I am at my line on how much I can handle. I am okay with that some days. Many things are not in my hands and I just have to be patient. Oh...so much easier said than done! Self care is essential. But so are food, water, shelter etc. In this world these things cost money. Yes money stress is nasty. I live on a tight budget. I save little bits over a long period. Things do suddenly happen. A home repair. Something break. Unexpected expenses. I expect most people experience this at some point in their lives. I know it can cause all sorts of problems. A catalyst at times to marriage difficulties, individuals doing money juggling just to eat, depression can set in, paranoia of loss, anxiety and so on. How do I cope? Short of robbing a bank or begging on the corner (😋) I make do. I breathe lots and know for me it has always worked out. Time. Look at the free things life offers and try to remember what is going right. No matter how small, good things and any progress...

Being sensitive. Feeling vulnerable. I am in familiar territory. Fear. Back against the wall. No one can help. I cannot help myself. I say I am surviving cancer. It is ongoing. The choices not great. I am tired. Where was I going with this? Right. Vulnerable. Even the greatest of warriors have their weak spot. Achilles heel as it may be said. We are each vulnerable in some way or at some points throughout the course of life. As children we took our lead from our peers. Our skills, language, beliefs etc. are formed in adolesence. Some children don't learn what they need. Some learn through abuse. Some develop abnormal coping skills or behavior. Or perhaps lack skills for adulthood. I remember when in jr. high they were pushing us to strive for excellence but to also be a 'well-rounded' personality. Me.. many skills..master of none. Lol. Vulnerable. Having to ask others for help. As an adult, not well, this has been very hard. I want to be able to do all on my ow...

I am at a place in my life where things really suck. My mental illness does not define me (PTSD, D.I.D., depression, anxiety). My physical illness (Surviving cancer ongoing issues. 6 surg in 5 years) does not define me. It does suck today. Right now my circumstances are as they are. I am doing the things I need to in order to keep going. I have a list. A Living List. I am not much for the Bucket. Lol. I have a run on list. I keep adding. For me that is Hope. Hope I can. No one knows about lifetime. I often ...very often..want to leave. I hold on to that list. I hold on to my family and friends. Acceptance is never easy. It is ok for me to accept without liking it. For now I keep doing what I do. Sharing and caring. For you. For me.