5 Alive

Sleepy Hollow A safe, quiet spot. Nestled in my own blankets with pillows in comfort. The heaviness of fatigue drawn on my face. Lines of the day blurred. Time in and out. I need to lay. Find sleep. If only the others within me would cooperate. Yes..we are 5 in total. At 49 active, little co consciousness due to a self protection, 4 aware and busy alters. Each with purpose and agenda. Often I, the 'host', will lay to sleep and another will get up.  Oh so tired. The doctor sent a note to put up for All in me to see the periods the body requires sleep.  It appears some may see this as a recomendation rather than  Perscription.  Soon a pass out for a long period will happen. It always has been. A body will look after itself as well as it is able. Shut down much required. Lay and wait.

A quiet night Darkness blurred Flurries fly Scattered white Speckled sky To ground It falls Watching still Calming found Breaking down Heart walls To lift Come light It's whirling Storm ~A.R.* When the pain of life Is howling in my head I run at will Such heavy dread Tears stream hard  Like the pounding rain Blinding me still No place to hide It is all lost Churned past inside ~A.R.* I will not cave  I will not crubble To be your slave I see you there Your lies Inficting despair Taking my mind A fight unfair They call you  Depression I call you out Out of my way I fight today ~A.R.* Wearing weighted feathers Beaten iron Layered stength Protective layer I cannot fly Earthbound Warrior of truths ~A.R.* Ice crusted lashes Snow swirled blindly Bundled tight Harshness endured Air freshly clear A mind to settle Blow through me Great winds white Clean my wounds Before my tears Freeze to my heart ~A.R.*

It became so clear.  A truth I had tried so valiantly to avoid.  It was staring at me.  Crazy Eyes was there.  It was apparent his mind was lost.  In swirls he was stuck in repetition.  Tone of frustration turning to anger.  Something I had seen so long ago had resurfaced but differently.  It was dementia.  Severely out.  It had him.  My heart clenched.  Tears streamed and stained my cheeks.  I felt raw and exposed.  Human facing the downturn of life.  It's harsh ending.  Unsure.  No path.  Taking him in bits.  Now quickly.  He felt foreign to her.  This man.  Her father. 

1988 I was at my best and my worst.  I had my first nervous breakdown right out of highschool. I'd been pushing hard and fast for so long. Working several summer jobs with University scheduled for the fall.  It hit. It came like a train.  It was the buildup of a confused life and distraught mind. I had reached a breaking point.  Mental illness was not talked about. It was obvious I was 'hormonal' or some kind of mania perhaps.... The MD sent me to 'The Little Brown Shack'.  It was psychiatric emergency help put behind the old hospital.  Tucked in a patch of trees I began my first therapy sessions.  .  I am 18.  My hair is short for wash and go. Little make up. I am 116 pds and a little more than 5"7'.  The tears flow even as my face remains staunch.  My eyes are drawn and I feel weighted. I just want to run. To where? "Come in" he says.  A therapist. He looks 90 to me.  Tall and lanky.  Blue eyes.  Wrinkled foreh...

Isme Ibeedweeisayhievribodee Tankyouferredinbowtus Yousbeedhapy Igivdyosawlbigisthugsansmils Deycawlmewee Ikintymtravals Iseedbifordistymdeysaydlontymagos Idonoikingoedder Denigetsspitidowtheer Wesgotstosardisbodee Godsrundowt Losanlosigetsfraydees Iseedbadtings Igotstidhertidwaydbad Ibeedgoods

Doing the best I can with what I have.  Ever changing yet not, I am trying to live in my world. I am not one. It is We. Dissociative Identities.  This 'host'...Me...is overwhelmed by our buziness and life stuff.  We have far too many balls to juggle - folks dementia - recent deaths -moved - making new safe home - creepy neighbour - friendship losses - butt pain (surviving Anal Cancer) - hip problem - poverty at Christmas - building remodelling daily noise - big anxiety - big tears Everything changes.  Too much at once is very hard navigating. As 5 we find ourselves very scattered. A dissociative system in disharmony is incredibly draining for one body.  Distraction is a good coping tool at times. We also need rest, it is illusive right now. We cook, bake, clean, draw, write, move things, reorganize, paint, draw, advocate, try yo do the Christmas things.... We look for more support, more coping skills and more safe people.  Finding we slip into agoraphobia e...

Tree add water Sea monkeys plus water Drops Grow Harden dormant  but still there Grow Some don't grow A bit of a defect....they are still there. Duds. They were supposed to expand! In childhood that was disappointment. Learned early not to expect. It wasn't only sea monkeys. Honestly they were the least of my worries.