5 Alive

Doing the best I can with what I have. Ever changing yet not, I am trying to live in my world. Everything changes. Too much at once is very hard navigating. As 5 we find ourselves very scattered. A dissociative system in disharmony is incredibly draining for one body.  Current and lingering events Death of an Aunt, an Uncle and anothe Aunt of Covid19. Stepfather diagnosed Alzheimers and his licence taken. Sale of our safest spot. A cottage in Muskoka we have gone to since 5 yrs old. A resurgence of cancer issues. Pain and waiting.  Bustitus in right leg that isn't being treated due to Covid. Still trying to ground in new apartment.  Financial issues.  Family... Stuff stuff stuff... Spun is how we are right now. We emotionally contain then burst.  Not fun. Not pretty. Fear, frustration and deep sadness.  Outside this, in the time of a pandemic, we try to look for life. The little rays of light from people, watching wildlife in spring. Taking in fresh air. Le...

Early in my marriage I had a miscarriage but had no idea other than it left scarring. It was picked up somewhere down the line.  When I was 35 I got pretty sick. My menstrual cycle had no cycle. I was having issues daily.  I got pregnant in the November.  I had no idea.  After 3 yrs together he moved on before Christmas I was sick but mending when the morning sickness started. I was back to work. Mornings slugging boxes and doing maintenance work.  One shift the abdominal pain was too much and I went to the ER. That day I found out I was likely just shy of three months. The baby appeared to not be forming corectly.  I left there stunned. Make a decision.  My doctor was pro life. Cripes, I was raised Catholic. They wouldn't give me the abort clinic number.  I found it.  I told the guy. He was well moving on.  I was really not well myself never mind raise an unwell baby or carry til it aborts itself.  I got a friend, who knew how to k...

It can be all shits and giggles at times.  The funny comes out.  Many times it has been the mask of opposites.  To show what I did not feel.  Perhaps in hope that it will penetrate myself.  Pain can run deep beneathe a smile.  It is a way of coping/not coping.  Too long a way to survive some of the brutalities of my own life.  Engrained to be happy or at least show it.  Inner bruises don't show.  There are times the eyes expose the realities.  Most never see.  The clown comes forward to push back my tears.  The stories can flow.  Laughter ensues.  Live outside my box.  This life.  Dancing in my onsie on the balcony. Drop and make a snow angel at random. Organize an adult scavenger hunt. Switch ornaments between neighbours. Jokes and funny faces. For you. For me. Humour over sadness and pain.  In time the issue will catch me. Til then the mask hides my truths.

I seem to be in a really crappy cycle.  I am having lots of nightmares. Flashbacks in the day. My life feels a mess and so out of control. This gives me the mads.  I start the blame game.  All those who have wronged me and how.  I yell at them in my head. How could you??? I feel like I have been left holding many heavy shit bags.  I am overloaded but can't get them off me.  Tied to a past I didn't ask for.  Remembers times when smiles outweighed tears.  Gone. Long ago. You And you And that And them Useless blame.  I have anger and resentment that I let go of...get into a better place in my mind...forgive sort of...then it comes back. I take it back.  I am feeling vulnerable.  I feel very alone in adulting and worry about aging alone.  I feel poor.  In pocket and today a pity poor me.  Today my pot is either overflowing or empty.  I am not sure. 

Well my appointment was supposed to be on the 5th of March.  There was a time mix up and I was on the phone with my Doctor there.  He is the head of radioogy so I was surprosed to get him.  After talking about what is physically going on in my Anal region we decide to try a nerve and anti inflamatory med to see if what was there calmed or stayed.  We decided to meet in 3 weeks......that didn't happen as he had forgot to put my script in before he went on holidays so I had not had enough time tring it.  Now.....Civid 19.  My appointment has been pushed to at least July. I have a tentative date.  Like all medical services here we are diwn to essential only.  I had my 6 plus month break...now it is looking more like a year.  Should I be worried? I know what feels wrong.... Holding on. 

I grabbed a cigarette. Thinking this was one cool old guy.  We started therapy at that little brown shack.  'Emergency' it said on the door.  'Crisis'.  Yep. I fit it.  I was ready to drive into a brick wall. Something, inside...a block to this end.  I think he suspected then. Disassociative. No word. He would ask "Are you in there?" as I often fogged out.  Sometimes..." That is odd..." "That doesn't sound like you..."  Odd times I would find him staring at me looking shocked. It was long ago now.  I needed help and this man did what he could.  He was good with me.  No one knew about DID then.  We didn't know we were multiple.  I really didn't feel it unless I panicked and felt like I had a blackout.  I was young.  University was a huge step that had set me off.  Working 3 jobs and saving to go had been the  pressure.  I would also have been the first in my family to go. I felt that.  We worke...

I can see her Not close enough Eyes pleading Noise drowns  Her screams I can see hands  Tugging her As I reach Close, so close I can feel Her deep terror Desperation I cannot get her I beg to the sky I beg to those hands Release her Release her Release me Let me go  Please Its a dream. I have these type frequent.  A child No faces I am outside But it is me At other times I am older Again, outside myself.  Perhaps 12 at most.  It is so real.  Sound. Smell. Details. No faces. Mine.  No perpetrator.  Hands. A necklace. Not enough.  A nightmare. A flashback.  They come frequent.  I know feeling stressed and vulnerable makes it happen often times.  Sometimes it is a way in starting to heal from some of these traumatic events. I know, therefore, I can work on.  A painful path.  I am tired.  My body is sore.  I feel quite drained.  Day rest seems easier. I have fewer of these terrors.  Nap. Nap....