5 Alive

I have been in the dark depression for months. It eased to be depression but working through the pain. Now I feel in a shift to more good days. More light.  There were lots of time missed,as it goes with D.I.D.  Today this meme caught me and I really laughed !  I thought .. yep this is D.I.D when I am reconfigururing after a big switch out. 

I have really been struggling with life since I lost my Papa Don. He raised me. He was my 'dad'. He was my rock.  I lost him much before with Alzheimer's. I can say that, for me, his death was traumatizing.  I lost Papa in Covid care. Lack of staff. Impromper care. Many things. He got pneumonia. I watched some of his last hours. I was shattered.  I have spent months trying to piece myself together. I have felt deep sadness like never before. This man was my safe harbour. He KNEW me. All of me. The WE.  He loved All of me. My Papa Don....one of a kind. My journey after he died has been harsh. Anxiety and panic haved reared their heads. Agoraphia set in. Depression. D.I.D out of control with no harmony. I stopped living. My days with tears back to back. Seemingly a never ending cycle with panic attacks. I did seek help and continue you to. I get a couple days it is better. A really good day still rare but I am getting there.  It is work. I have started to feel som...

Beyond my walls A world free Beautifully inviting I built no gate My moor deep I wish to venture My fear holds me These walls  For safety Sufficate ~A.R.* Quiet dance Barely touching Move with grace Feel the music Emote with movement Touch the need Partner a ghost But we dance ~A.R* Time moves Ever forward In my mind Moments stilled Shock and trauma Pieces stuck Let go, hide Memory box Time moves Past visits Furture calls Standing time ~A.R.*

She was layered in clothing to protect from the frigid cold. Her path a small wooded trail. She was still. Feeling the cold on her cheeks. Her lungs filled with winter's fresh air. Yep...if she could get past the crap days of crying and her anxiety of going out too far for too long.  She went for essentials. She pushed to go once a week at least away from her 'safe zone'.  Some of those times she did too much and gave herself panic. Not cool!  She is Me/We the person living D.I.D.  Once called M.P.D.  There are triggers and fears. Out is ...not in control of more factors...it gets complicated.  When out ...Sometimes safety within can be found and sometimes safety is getting home.  I used to get invited out.  Inbetween lockdowns and Covid proticols there was some interactions.  Some didn't go as long as what was expected of me and I felt terrible for having to bail despite having explained what can happen for me before.  Do they not liste...

A New Year. The end of 2021 comes. It is with mixed feelings for myself. Perhaps it was that question from that self help App? What were 5 achievements you accomplished this last year?  I couldn't answer. My mind swirls in the disarray of events this past year. When was it good? I know it has to have had those days and moments.... Fogged by the long days from that May day my sdad, pa, Papa Don fell and went into hospital care.  Painful memories mixed with some blessed moments with him in his last months.  His passing has been almost 4 months now. Hard months for anyone grieving. I have struggled.  Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder is trying on the best of days. When 'we' are working as a 'team' there is more self presence for Me. I don't miss as much time in large chunks.  Grieving as 5. Myself and 'alters' who are not all feeling or remembering the same with sdad history and connection. Though it is that we all had very strong love for him. He ...

Your hand in mind Weaving life Carried me along Wiped tears Knealt at my bed Ward off my fears Growing girl Under your wing Guided with love Taught me compassion To live with heart I didn't see  Never old to me Time came for you In bits you left I weep Lost