Outside Of Here

She was layered in clothing to protect from the frigid cold. Her path a small wooded trail. She was still. Feeling the cold on her cheeks. Her lungs filled with winter's fresh air.

Yep...if she could get past the crap days of crying and her anxiety of going out too far for too long. 

She went for essentials. She pushed to go once a week at least away from her 'safe zone'.

 Some of those times she did too much and gave herself panic. Not cool! 

She is Me/We the person living D.I.D. 

Once called M.P.D. 

There are triggers and fears. Out is ...not in control of more factors...it gets complicated. 

When out ...Sometimes safety within can be found and sometimes safety is getting home. 

I used to get invited out. 

Inbetween lockdowns and Covid proticols there was some interactions. 

Some didn't go as long as what was expected of me and I felt terrible for having to bail despite having explained what can happen for me before. 

Do they not listen? 

Especially since they have seen me go/run for home, as well as having pushed through one and stay there longer at other times....

So they stop asking. They stop contact. They disappear. 

Do not get me wrong. 

I have a few very close, understanding, aware and accepting etc fantastic friends!! I am grateful. 

I love each of them. 

I know that I am worth having around too. Sometimes I forget. 

It is my closest that remind me of my worth. 

The biggest is knowing that I do have people who truly know and love All of 5 Alive. 

I do know that my added torment for months with my 'Dad' living with alzheimers disease. Then in hospital...a pass around Covid fiasco...into a private room ...suffice it to say it was traumatizing how he left this world. I felt broke. Lost. He had been my/out life rock. Again...complicated grieving. 

Some friends pulled away. 

I also had Old and New friends who lended support. 

I have been doing grief counselling now. Losing my 'Dad' of 47 years is like a 'bomb' has gone off inside. I desperately needed help and still do. This is work for All. And we are doing it and going through wjat is necessary as part of Loss grieving's journey. 

I am 'switching' more (D.I.D) can be trying for me. 

I expect trying for the few people my alters trust in some way. 

These times are often blips for me. Like I gapped out. Sometimes I think I was sleeping as I come in a sleep spot. 

Anyway. I want to break free of where 'We' are. 

Go out and enjoy the things we love. 

We hope we can get there with lots of support. 

Feels far away.

That girl in the quiet woods ...with snowflakes and calm.