Struggled on...

I have really been struggling with life since I lost my Papa Don. He raised me. He was my 'dad'. He was my rock. 

I lost him much before with Alzheimer's. I can say that, for me, his death was traumatizing. 

I lost Papa in Covid care. Lack of staff. Impromper care. Many things. He got pneumonia. I watched some of his last hours. I was shattered. 

I have spent months trying to piece myself together. I have felt deep sadness like never before. This man was my safe harbour. He KNEW me. All of me. The WE. 

He loved All of me. My Papa Don....one of a kind.

My journey after he died has been harsh. Anxiety and panic haved reared their heads. Agoraphia set in. Depression. D.I.D out of control with no harmony. I stopped living. My days with tears back to back.

Seemingly a never ending cycle with panic attacks. I did seek help and continue you to. I get a couple days it is better. A really good day still rare but I am getting there. 

It is work. I have started to feel some of that heaviness lift. I push and do find moments of joy. 

I have opened myself. Shared my rawness. Leaned on my good friends. (Gratitude!) I got counselling. I read. I am finding a new way.

Grief is powerful. It consumes. I know the battle well. Know there is hope. Light will peek through. I am holding on to that.