Saturday, 27 May 2017

This Podcast

A great podcast about #DID
Well worth the listen.
As a person with Disassociative Identity Disorder I relate with Erika so much. This may give you some better insight into how We live.
Thanks to tje Lombardos and Erika Reva!!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/leftofstr8/2017/05/27/join-voices-for-change-20-with-our-special-guest

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

My words ..life

A beauty
Disguised by masks
Treasured being
Divided by truth
She walked proud
To be
A We
~A.R.

You have not a control
Perhaps ability
Awareness
Curiousity
Yet the abundance
Of knowlege
Available
Should you seek
To learn
~A.R.*

Glue and paint
Tools and brushes
Workstation of Array
Like the mind
Of those that frequent
To create
On its surface
Artists unleashed
~A.R.

Fast climbing heat
Hair on end
Sick skin feel
Top of the sky
Bottom falls out
Can't catch air
Feeling faint
No footing
#anxiety
~A.R.

Shoring up
Building walls
Around ourselves
To not see
Beyond
Our own pain
Is to remain
Alone
~A.R.

What have you taken
Hidden away
And tell me why
Must you do so
And yet I know
It will be
Alright
~A.R.

Depth that draws
Dark brown eyes
Shining soul
Glittered heart
Intention soft
Seeing you
Bringing close
Gaurd down
~A.R.

With the sky dropping
The light of the moon
Was all that could touch her
Yet her love flowed freely
Into the night
~A.R. 🌛

Shock
Disbelief
Yet again
I face the
Knife

Burning sky
Hues of red
Pink delight
As it falls
Night
~A.R.

Striving for a balance
A life beyond my walls
Of self protection
To journey through
Experiences designed
A path made
Just for me
~A.R.

Flying in my mind
A safe perch
To find
Nestled in
No longer afraid
Of the winds
Or dangers
The sun rose
Fell
Another day
Survived
~A.R.

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Coping 101.🙃

Living in the body.
Every person lives a different life. Endures hardships. Feels love, loss,pain...
We process things in our individual way.

I have serious health issues both physically and mentally. Some of it goes hand in hand. Some is a haunting I don't look for, but am triggered often. Cptsd DID panic anxiety depression...

I am having a lot of trouble with my body. I want to feel better in everyway. The Anal Cancer ..a growth has returned. I just found out yesterday. I am in a self storm. Inside just bouncing. Thoughts are everything but nothing. I am discombobulated. A sort of shock has given away to "how will I manage...?"
More surgery first. I have no idea from there. Oncology...

Coping.
Where are my tools? My support network?
The lists for distraction. Breathing. I work at it. Over and over. It is my choice to act or react...they say this...not always true if you are a person that Disassociates. Alters do and say things I have No clue.

Managing. Today I don't have balance. I am not feeling well and that could be lack of sleep and stress.
It is soft self care time.
Hot bath. Tea. Music. Rest.
And perhaps a good cry.

Saturday, 13 May 2017

We

Did anyone see her
Through her fog
A spell cast in shadows
Darkness hovers
We wonder
How she stays
There
But not alone
She just can't see
We

Friday, 12 May 2017

Keep Going👣

Today the sky is cloudy...Like my mind.
Changes are happening and I feel overwhelmed and confused and honestly have been terrified to the point I am now numb.
My health is in uproar and limbo as I wait for specialists to decide my treatment for Anal Cancer. Ugh! I hate even the words.
It feels like another Badge I wear that no one sees. If Life awarded badges...well I have my fair share.
At 46 I am worn. Tired of battling. There are days I can't find my smile. I am learning to take in the little things. Like watching birds.
I continue to force feed myself through whatever is wrong with my stomach. Still waiting for new gastroenterologist. Pain just takes me down.
Am I depressed? Anxious? Scared? Sad?
It is so long now...be 3 years July..I have it all mixing daily. Today. I feel..full.  A numbness.
Tears won't flow
I am not panicking
I am hardly here.
Night after night I disassociate. An alter stays up! Lack of sleep...understatement.
So vent. This. Blog to you.
No pity. It is about the struggle.
Each of us is unique, and so are our battles.
But sharpen your sword. We don't fight alone unless we chose to.
Not one of is is the same. Our journeys meant to be different. This is how we learn. From each other.
Today. Know this. You can keep going even if standing in one spot for a bit.

Monday, 8 May 2017

To Keep Making ANY steps..

I continuously practice self care. I have been physically unable to meet some goals. This is disheartening.

Like everyone the journey is different, and there is no guide book.

My path today..as in this day right now is
one of trust and fear about suffering.
If it were just one thing..or two..perhaps I would be coping better.

Today I am ill. Still. Again.
My gastric problems continue. I go see a nurse practioner tomorrow (who has been good) to seek more advice and perhaps a referral to another gastroenterologist. Square one. I am so worn.

Next. Pre-cancer to cancer to pre-cancer and wait. Yes. Anal cancer patient...I have pain and I am worried.

Next. Love/hate alters. I am missing lots of time and am exhausted. I catch sleep but not ever enough.
I feel like I am not getting things done. I do...but not what I want and was capabable of.
My mind hears "get busy" , "don't think about it" , "you can do better"...
I do this to myself now. I learned lots of unhealthy things...self talk comes from peers....percieved adults in your life influence selg worth and set standards...wrds like tapes play. I have lots. Lol. 🙃
It is time to drop my own stick of self bashing. It is never easy. It is saying NO
to that talk.

I started to write a daily accomplishment on my Calender. One per day...even if it is the 'POWER OF THE SHOWER".
Even if it is a bed day. Do little. I still put fresh cloths on counts!
Little to big. One wrote down a day. Started tonight. I will try it. It takes a few minutes at most. 'No harm no foul' is my motto about trying new things.
I think it can only be a reminder that I do make it through. And some days are still great. 😊

Friday, 5 May 2017

Poetry flows

Depth that draws
Dark brown eyes
Shining soul
Glittered heart
Intention soft
Seeing you
Bringing close
Gaurd down
~A.R.

Rippled rocks
Time smoothed
Fossilized history
The glory
Of the Shield
Green, black pink
Hues ground
Down from Ice
Leaving this Earth

Writing on the wall
Seeing from a distance
Closing in on me
A tunnel I cannot see
Fear to venture closer
Desire to know
About me
~A.R.

Dusting off
Fogged time
Rolled in it
Too often
Knocked down
As it creeps back
That dirty time
Evil dust
Be gone
~A.R.

Kissed by the gods
Of sleepless nights
Yet to find
The light
To darkness
~A.R.*

Floating away
Gone
Within
My light
Snuffed out
By demons
I spent day
Slaying
Lost now
To time
~A.R.

No more whispers
To myself
Finding strength
In self, in words
Silenced time
No more
For I set
Myself free~
~A.R.*

Heavy wind
Torn skies
Clouds open
Showers down
Sparks to earth
Giving life
~A.R.

Wrapped tight
In self comfort
My own hug
To help me through
Day after day
I have to do
In order to be

Blindly following
Ghosts that lead
Paths broke new
Ways to learn
A start of now
Leave behind
The known
Trust in winds
To invisible growth

Wide awake
Missing time
Skipping beats
Standing in line
Taken over
In self protect
A mode I have
No regret
~A.R.

Running with words
Playing havoc in my head
Verses trained
The conditional standard
To meet the line
A bar set high
Unachievable perfection