5 Alive

Great minds evolve out of trauma, abuse, bullying, life struggles. Adaptation It is important well or ill that warriors share their experiences and tools for self care. Being bedridden much of my days recently left me feeling useless..unworthy and not needed. A burden Then I chose to reach out In doing so I started to share Armchair life coaching for others suffering mental health issues has become my purpose today I will use my sparkle!

I have been thinking My life has been a ride Some phenomenal parts some desperate and painful Many experience...many no one would believe or ever dare to try I have had the spectrum It truly is like 5 lives and then some I have had more therapists and treatment and guinea pig I have endured I cannot believe that information  has been for naught I  must have purpose Maybe this lesson is not only for me Perhaps I have sparked your journey.....

I have not been well Physically I am in pain with no answers as to cause yet. In testing. I have not been able to meet my goal of writing daily. My pain has been taking all my energy. With pain and illness of my body my mental health also suffers. I am back to basics self care. Please watch for posting I warrior on.

Try Heart Ask Give Wait Disappointment Last Second Fifth End of the line Not high priority A side thought Afterthought No thought Broken plans No actions Words Not there Not here In truth No care Possible Despair Again Just be Me

There is no end to what ifs... I try not to go there in my mind. It creates more questions than answers. Leaves me with self doubt and often triggers fear. No one knows the future. Our past is not always a good guideline to reflect on. Tonight I had panic. I am not physically well I had woke and was disoriented I forgot all my tools for the anxiety...it was ramping quick...I reached out Breathe.... I was going too fast The brain was in full out panic I found a podcast It did not matter much the topic but was calming I have medication if it goes too far I did get myself refocused. Had some help from an online friend. It never hurts to ask for help when in distress. Sometimes just a talk helps. I still feel scattered I am here

When someone is able to distort and manipulate the facts to point where one can no longer distinguish what is real. Often in abusive situations...from verbal to physical..domestic to sexual....it is a Mind Fuck. Not only was I unsure of what was and wasn't happening in my life I also kept myself so busy there was no time to think of abuse. Physically I was kissed and bit on the lip with tongue in inappropriate relationships. I was too young and then too scared to do anything. I also wasn't sure if it was normal. I didn't know. It was the seventies and I was Catholic raised. I had been hit. I had been burned. I  had my fingers squished at my knuckles to bring tears. More... I was told stories a child should never hear..let alone an adult. If I didn't listen a gun came out at times. Pay attention. I believed women including my mother my sister and I were sluts, cunts, whores, bitches, dirty....my mom was home baking cookies...is this true? My Don...the man who gave...

I know all levels of pain. Physical, emotionally and spiritual. Today is physical triggering emotional. I am extremely ill. This morning pain level was a sweating 10/10. I had no pain management. I am in line for Gastrointestinal testing of all kinds. I also have a continued problem with surgery done in January on my bum, and area that already triggers flashbacks. Add bathroom runs. I am in pain and spinning. Switching with alters as we face this as one body. Past pain and today pain I had to engage in pact. Talk about living.  No out.  Not today. Today I am strong like bull... Today I want to be strong...

If you want to learn and grow and share....search! There are groups for many illnesses. From chronic pain, veterans ptsd, abuse survivors, general anxiety, traumatic brain injury etc. If you feel alone or have questions or perhaps look for new friends that share your path. Google it Twitter search use # s Facebook search I have used taPir which has forums for different disorders I also go to Ivory Garden igdid  for Trauma and Disassociation mostly abuse warriors. Many groups are monitored regularly and you have to apply to join. This is for your safety too. If you want help...look for it. If you don't have online there are sit down groups in different areas. Get the phone book out... Try...try ...try again... #SickNotWeak #Itsoktonotbeok #TalkMH #cptsd #ptsd #anxiety #mentalhealth #depression There are so many. If you use facebook search for some of these. There are lots of people and groups to connect with. Keep on trying! You are not alone!

In the morning when I wake I stop before starting.... Today I choose... Fill in using the 5 senses. I choose to see the sunset today Or I choose to feel positive I choose to smell like flowers I choose to go to see a friend Etc. Pick something. Start the day off with one thing in mind. Stay on purpose. At night I keep a little journal. Today I am grateful... For seeing wild geese For feeling special when I was complimented by..... That I got this..... task done. These things when wrote down serve as reminder when I am feeling down.. That each day is new and different. That there is light in darkness. Self care..growth..self evaluation...facing life is work.

Alter Identities in Dissociative Identity Disorder (MPD) and DDNOS http://traumadissociation.com/alters

Alters in Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) | Dissociative Living - HealthyPlace http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2015/03/alters-in-dissociative-identity-disorder/

We alone are responsible for ourselves. We need to educate ourselves.  Be open to change. Make back up plans for comfort and safety.  Perhaps most importantly one needs to have a support network. People on all levels in life today to reach out to at different times for different needs. No one is coming to you. They can't read your mind or know what you like or need. First you have to have people  (fur babies count if they are your family member but don't start counting dog park dogs as your support). My experience only leads to these suggestions... Make a paper list that you keep handy. Start with 30 people who are active presently in your life...from family to friends to acquaintances. Place in order of closeness as far as in your heart. Yes you can have a tie...lol Next add their contact information  so you can reach out when you are in need. Phone numbers...email...social media..address... This is just a start. If your list isn't 30 people then you may wan...

Dissociation (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)

Each day is different for everyone. Well or not. My goals change with my capabilities per day. Plan but don't promise. And have dreams and goals. For doing the work it starts with self evaluation. I ask myself ~Where am I at today? (Physically, emotionally, for the also spiritally) I like to do basic grading in my mind. Some people keep a log For me the 1-10 scale works ~ What are my Have to Do's? Examples being work to accomplish. If you have a regular job or project to complete. Banking food clean Nap Calls to make.... ~ What are my Want to Do's? A call A letter Connect with a group Go out for "play time " Go see someone Go experience something...look at that list of Life Do's  (some call a bucket list) Some people may have simpler Do's like see a sunrise or go for short walk...make some of those wants reachable...so you feel that good of accomplishment when you reach it. This is basic questions...my brain is always busy. Perhaps worse...

A Living pact is a promise and a deal to not end your own life. You will stay alive and if there ever becomes a time that you have no more options and is too great you have made a pact to someone who can come and kick your ass  (should you attempt and not succeed).A friend..long acquaintance or family member last will do. Family should be last resort. This person in turn must be able to promisr to help you go if life has truly beyond relief for you....it's a living pact! And a true promise so you think ...not act. It's your word. A true heart to heart all of being promise. I think everyone does a some point in their life reach " the end of their lines". Living pact. Pick two different people. I recommend one older and one younger...

Things are needed when I have to do self care. I only truly have me to rely on. So....comfort items are often soft. Whatever works. I am not ashamed. I have: Stuffed animals.  Many. Plush. All sizes...from being able to put in pocket to snuggle size. Nothing truly outrageous. Chest size. When I am anxious or stressed or lonely or sad....I hold tight. Pillows with different fill for change in firmness. Often I need the huge feeling and will surround myself. Back likes firm....chest likes soft... Fuzzy blanket and flannel sheet Fuzzy pillow...again..chest size If I need it will roll a quilt, blanket or sheet up like a Swiss roll and tie it and hug Can add blankets or heavy flannel to make bigger and longer a body length. Have used soft towels too. Made myself a hot cold bad with barley in it to add warmth on chest or cold for anxiety and panic.