5 Alive

A great podcast about #DID Well worth the listen. As a person with Disassociative Identity Disorder I relate with Erika so much. This may give you some better insight into how We live. Thanks to tje Lombardos and Erika Reva!! http://www.blogtalkradio.com/leftofstr8/2017/05/27/join-voices-for-change-20-with-our-special-guest

A beauty Disguised by masks Treasured being Divided by truth She walked proud To be A We ~A.R. You have not a control Perhaps ability Awareness Curiousity Yet the abundance Of knowlege Available Should you seek To learn ~A.R.* Glue and paint Tools and brushes Workstation of Array Like the mind Of those that frequent To create On its surface Artists unleashed ~A.R. Fast climbing heat Hair on end Sick skin feel Top of the sky Bottom falls out Can't catch air Feeling faint No footing #anxiety ~A.R. Shoring up Building walls Around ourselves To not see Beyond Our own pain Is to remain Alone ~A.R. What have you taken Hidden away And tell me why Must you do so And yet I know It will be Alright ~A.R. Depth that draws Dark brown eyes Shining soul Glittered heart Intention soft Seeing you Bringing close Gaurd down ~A.R. With the sky dropping The light of the moon Was all that could touch her Yet her love flowed freely Into t

Living in the body. Every person lives a different life. Endures hardships. Feels love, loss,pain... We process things in our individual way. I have serious health issues both physically and mentally. Some of it goes hand in hand. Some is a haunting I don't look for, but am triggered often. Cptsd DID panic anxiety depression... I am having a lot of trouble with my body. I want to feel better in everyway. The Anal Cancer ..a growth has returned. I just found out yesterday. I am in a self storm. Inside just bouncing. Thoughts are everything but nothing. I am discombobulated. A sort of shock has given away to "how will I manage...?" More surgery first. I have no idea from there. Oncology... Coping. Where are my tools? My support network? The lists for distraction. Breathing. I work at it. Over and over. It is my choice to act or react...they say this...not always true if you are a person that Disassociates. Alters do and say things I have No clue. Managing. Today I

Did anyone see her Through her fog A spell cast in shadows Darkness hovers We wonder How she stays There But not alone She just can't see We

Today the sky is cloudy...Like my mind. Changes are happening and I feel overwhelmed and confused and honestly have been terrified to the point I am now numb. My health is in uproar and limbo as I wait for specialists to decide my treatment for Anal Cancer. Ugh! I hate even the words. It feels like another Badge I wear that no one sees. If Life awarded badges...well I have my fair share. I am worn. Tired of battling. There are days I can't find my smile. I am learning to take in the little things. Like watching birds. I continue to force feed myself through whatever is wrong with my stomach. Still waiting for new gastroenterologist. Pain just takes me down. Am I depressed? Anxious? Scared? Sad? It is so long now...be 3 years July..I have it all mixing daily. Today. I feel..full.  A numbness. Tears won't flow I am not panicking I am hardly here. Night after night I disassociate. An alter stays up! Lack of sleep...understatement. So vent. This. Blog to you. No pity.

I continuously practice self care. I have been physically unable to meet some goals. This is disheartening. Like everyone the journey is different, and there is no guide book. My path today..as in this day right now is one of trust and fear about suffering. If it were just one thing..or two..perhaps I would be coping better. Today I am ill. Still. Again. My gastric problems continue. I go see a nurse practioner tomorrow (who has been good) to seek more advice and perhaps a referral to another gastroenterologist. Square one. I am so worn. Next. Pre-cancer to cancer to pre-cancer and wait. Yes. Anal cancer patient...I have pain and I am worried. Next. Love/hate alters. I am missing lots of time and am exhausted. I catch sleep but not ever enough. I feel like I am not getting things done. I do...but not what I want and was capabable of. My mind hears "get busy" , "don't think about it" , "you can do better"... I do this to myself now. I learned

Depth that draws Dark brown eyes Shining soul Glittered heart Intention soft Seeing you Bringing close Gaurd down ~A.R. Rippled rocks Time smoothed Fossilized history The glory Of the Shield Green, black pink Hues ground Down from Ice Leaving this Earth Writing on the wall Seeing from a distance Closing in on me A tunnel I cannot see Fear to venture closer Desire to know About me ~A.R. Dusting off Fogged time Rolled in it Too often Knocked down As it creeps back That dirty time Evil dust Be gone ~A.R. Kissed by the gods Of sleepless nights Yet to find The light To darkness ~A.R.* Floating away Gone Within My light Snuffed out By demons I spent day Slaying Lost now To time ~A.R. No more whispers To myself Finding strength In self, in words Silenced time No more For I set Myself free~ ~A.R.* Heavy wind Torn skies Clouds open Showers down Sparks to earth Giving life ~A.R. Wrapped tight In self comfort My own hug To he