5 Alive

Keep pushing along. No sleep though. No sleep. I have not been sleeping at night for quite some time. Unless I am away an alter will come out and be up all night. I live in an apartment in my 'growing up' home. There are many triggers as just being 'home' takes me back to lots of memories of all kinds. It would for anyone. A particle set of memories create night fear. Lots has changed since I was here full time last. I left when I got married just before my 22nd birthday. That was 26 years ago now. I have lived here 7 years. The last 6 have been most difficult. As time passes it gets worse. No sleep. I go back to bed after being up early morn. I am sure the body had less than an hour by then. So snooze again for 2. Then I am up but dragging my butt with heavy eyelids. I just want to sleep. I am on a new medication for pain I have been having in my hips and pelvis. Gabapentin. It also has a side effect of drowsiness. Hear hear I say! Awesome. Just let me sleep

A dim bulb Only this The dark Feels draining No sound Yet loud Bear it I bend The weight Soul crushing ~A.R* I decide This is my journey I need to fight To go where I want To find what I need Doing it is my choice I will not give up Today Taking flight On wind Leaves fallen Swept up A flurry Of colour Swirls away ~A.R. Her eyes so deep Inviting warmth A gleam of devious Yet soft in spirit See her soul Through windows Lenses of life To her heart ~A.R. From past to present It comes over me In waves of memory Thrashing my mind A time long gone Hauntingly real For it had been I lived it Repeating Only in my mind Yet fear still comes To sit awhile Remember Let go I did It didn't Flashback Then gone ~A.R. Shades of fall reflect off tears that drop to puddles.

I put my face in the corner...any corner would do. Hide the crying I could not stop. On and off like a tap all day. Shopping. I hoped it would distract me. As the tears flowed and people passed buy with their bags of purchases. "Pull it together" I tell myself. I just can't I am weeping. It's my birthday. October 23. Honestly, the inconsistancy of my entire life has made birthdays a hit or a miss. This one was extra hard. No planned Ripleys. No planned dinner. I had already started in a rough place and I could not shake it. A bad series of flashbacks. Nightmares. "Get over it...just get past it. Let it go." A year ago I spent my birthday in hospital.  It was my 13 day stay for suicide. It was not compassionate nor helpful. Having Disassociative Identity Disorder was not understood. My days were very hard and quite scary at times. Some I do not remember and some a blur. I do remember my birthday for the most part. At 8 am that day I had some surg

Listen to April & The Crew- Functioning as A System from The We in Me on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/TheWeinMe/episodes/April--The-Crew--Functioning-as-A-System-e2bt2o

I pulled it off. A mental heslth event to raise awareness. The Faces of Mental Illness (I)llness to (We)llness I was host and MC. Through exhaustion, stress, anxiety, I spoke off the cuff and felt strong enough to get it as right as I could. I spoke from my heart. Strong and clear. Yes. I astonished myself. I did not raise the hoped funds for CMHA Simcoe County. The total is not in for sure. Having not planned an Event of this magnitude before I had 120 seats with wanting 'bums' in them. I have a soft heart and gave many tickets away. I had several vendors that had Mental health related things to sell (raising funds for their own charities) So I paid for added space and chairs to accomodate. One vendor showed. I had not charged for tables... Half my seats were empty. Also several who had reserved tickets not paid for sat unused or paid for. Yes...(the low turn out) this lowered donations dramatically. Draw tickets sold but was not anywhere near what I had anticipate

I want to hear you. I know we are  in the darkness. I feel the tears on your cheeks. Your pain resonates through me. Tearing you and me apart inside. It is now. But that past lingers. A cloak that often gets heavy. We pull it off and freedom comes. Even in the darkness it feels like light. You are screaming. I want to hear you. Your story is silent. Please tell me. Where did life take you? That time I cannot see. So long ago. Yet it stays within. Eyes open. I know you are there...but not. A memory has you. Locked in a piece of time. You shudder and wail out. I want to hear you. There is no sound. I feel you. Your pain is mine. A letter to an Alter (DID)