That birthday

I put my face in the corner...any corner would do. Hide the crying I could not stop.
On and off like a tap all day.
Shopping. I hoped it would distract me. As the tears flowed and people passed buy with their bags of purchases.
"Pull it together" I tell myself.
I just can't I am weeping.

It's my birthday. October 23.
Honestly, the inconsistancy of my entire life has made birthdays a hit or a miss. This one was extra hard.

No planned Ripleys.
No planned dinner.

I had already started in a rough place and I could not shake it. A bad series of flashbacks. Nightmares.

"Get over it...just get past it. Let it go."

A year ago I spent my birthday in hospital.  It was my 13 day stay for suicide. It was not compassionate nor helpful. Having Disassociative Identity Disorder was not understood. My days were very hard and quite scary at times. Some I do not remember and some a blur.

I do remember my birthday for the most part.
At 8 am that day I had some surgerywith biopsies. Frozen only. I went back to the psychiatric ward.
There really are too many incidents to get into. It was traumatic.
It was a couple of friends that really made it a survivable birthday there. Xo

This year it just hit me hard. My day went awful. Again a friend got me through. Let me cry. Did what they could try to turn it around.

In the process a light switch in some place within me went on.
No longer pure darkness.
The tears stopped.
It was a few things together, I figured out later.

It is amazing how things can get turned around....

I now will celebrate my living another year another day.
I now see a value in myself I had not.
I will fight for my happiness.

Share your Sparkle! 😁