5 Alive

It was needed. A really deep breathe. More than one, and slow. It was hot out. A bit of a breeze. Clear and fresh. The sun was low in the sky It's felt good on my strained face. Stressed...anger, frustration, sadness and a feeling of futility. Take 20, she heard that saying somewhere. Time out. Mind in full spin over days of house infighting. A place that was supposed to be home no longer felt any peace or safety. Emotional hostage. Trapped in ways to long to explain. Breathe. No more thinking. There is no reasoning with what is happening. Age and health, history and mystery. Just breathe. Can't fix it. Nope. Not today. Breathe. It's too much... It's been this before and passed. Resolutions??? You know this is out of hands but those of a professional. Some are time and agebound. Not a lot there can be done to stop time marching forword. Breathe. I am not ready for them aging. I am not ready to watch them going little by little! Make this stop! Brea

There are so many things about me and my life I do not share. Lots I have done my therapy time over and some not. It is mine. Mine to decide if and when I share. I can say No. It is something I am learning. I am not unkind for doing what is right for me. It is extremely hard as I am raised on put others before yourself and No was not acceptable. The next part of that is, No Explanation Required. I always feel I need to justify my No. Truth is no need to give anyone a reason for your boundary. It is not their business to mind. It exists and there it is. No. Throughout my life I grew 'hangups'. Many are fear based. Not all realistic. These are blocks to doing things. Feeling things. Eating things. Staying certain places. Too many to list if I broke it down. Some of these I have gotten ahead with or lapsed again...it is an ongoing process. When I screw up enough courage to express No I really mean it. When No needs an explanation and I have none to give, that is now

Context and meaning. I have been in contemplation over this life I have. Deep grooves line my forehead and silver kisses in my hair all show time put in. Earth being. Mostly land bound. The years of memory often are blurred. Aging is not stoppable. Nor would I wish to go backward. If I left this world today have I lived a tale, fairies and dragons, worth sharing? Contemplation. I have been in deep reflective thought about the rest of my life story. What will be? I have hope and dreams Aspirations Desire to Inspire Is time on my side? What can I pull off as my physical health changes? How will my mental health respond? Breathe. In 234. Hold 234 Out 234 Pause 234. The fear of Forward in my life shoes can be gripping. I am going to leave a mark on this world somehow, some way. I have scratched it's surfaced and fought hard. Doing my best along my way. Deep thoughts and pondering. I have been mending for days after surgery and now waiting for results. Scared for s

My life. My story. My table. I invite you to sit. I will also decide what happens at, in, or around My personal table. I decide. For me.

So many things done and said leave hurt that lingers. Owning behavior an illusion for some. Abuse left unspoken. From a child to adulthood I have felt the many levels of betrayal and indignity. Apologies that will never come. A few heard. Some not real. Some geniune. Many to let go of. I cannot live in vengence. I cannot seek retribution. To guilt or shame would not serve me. I work on myself. My own reactions and behavior. I try to own what is mine. I make mistakes. Refection is only to be aware. Often I have let those past hurts continue to hurt me. I do carry some. Lingering. This is life learning. I am not always sure who the lesson is for when I suffer. The offender or the offended. My wall rises and falls. Uncertain of who or what is safe. Why me? Do they knew what mess they left behind? Now my mess. It's never too late to say you are sorry.( ? ) If you do..be sure your actions match your words.

Poverty. There are many levels. None are good. Even in a developed, democracized advanced society the poor exist in masses. There are Canadians cities big and small with homeless in crisis. There are physically and mentally ill doing without proper living conditions or healthcare. Veteran beside addict who had been a lawyer. There are some who have shelter but qualify for limited assistance. There are the working poor who live on extra jobs to put food in bellies. No benefits. There is not enough money month to month as prices go up and their incomes do not. Poor is not a choice for the majority. I am one of the ill and poor. My budget is tight. I learned to scrimp. I mend and make do. When well I create different arworks and sell in my allowed top up. It isn't much but I save it for my living list (living with cancer I am trying to fill some of my wishes). As changes in my health press I know some things I need to do very soon. Yet I am not quite well enough to create ar