5 Alive

Part of the Story Dear Me/We We never take the time to let you know your truths. Having lived a life with many harsh experiences one might think you would be jaded and angry. Despite your childhood traumas you found deep strength in ways many could not understand. A fragmented psyche that developed to keep you safe. You have DID. Alters there but you did not know.  Functional and protective. Anxiety and depression would reign. Even as a child you were nervous, rubbing to corderoy off your jeans tryingv to calm yourself. You held a crooked smile for so long. Inside turmoil and terror. You aged into a beautiful woman. Your heart grew softer instead of hard. You are warm where cold could reside. Married at 21.  It was 11 years of deep love, but heartbreak with an addicted partner. From him being into sobriety to being out of any recovery and a raging gambler... you held on to hope. Dashed it was. Time and again trust smashed. Reality of your love crippled. Financial abuse and y

I am sensitive. I also am kind. I am perhaps easily offended by some things. I have a strong sense of values. Blame my Catholic upbringing. I learned early to fight or flee. Most often I flee. If I chose to fight it is that I feel a line ( what I feel is right or wrong ) has been crossed. Then it is on. No silence. Not anymore. Years of being silent for so many things and people have passed. I speak out. And the Dragon blew fire back. I did not waver. My hands clenched tight around my sword. Shaking I rose it high. Hefted up with courage. My voice ...listen. Strongly speak. I will not bow to your breathe. Be kind. Tame yourself Dragon. I come only with a message. Why must you burn me? And the Dragon blew fire back. I did not waver. I will not be silenced by intimidation. Yet I do feel fear as I try hard to stand up. Sensitive yes. I feel it deeply when my voice is not heard.

The day started off tired. I felt this way regularly. Probably close to 7 yrs of being up at night. Thus, mornings are a bitch! Java. Coffee. I pour it in with hopes of being more alert, to no avail. I play on social media. Answer a few messages...maybe..hard to think in the head fog. Nope...can't stay up. Nap. That's right. I have to sleep. My eyes are too heavy. An hour and a half. That is about how long that sleep is. I am probably at a total of 5 hrs now. Dragging my ass. I force myself to shower and dress. I just want to go back to bed. I pick a task. There are plenty to chose from as I live in the 'packing for a move' space. What shall it be? Clean a bit. Knit. Pack a box. Errands? I want to go out. I want to stay home. There is an anxiety building. Tension in. But I can hide in my area. Out is noise and people and sometimes it can be too much. Out is freedom from the daily tension tho. I feel a sort of defeat. My attitude could use some positivity. I

Throwing sparks Camp fire sizzled Burning skylight Darkness lit Flames meet stars Earth to sky Together glow ~A.R. Head tucked in Screams silent To self Balled body No comfort Found Eyes clouded Tear burnt No sobs Silently curled Away in mind She goes ~A.R.* With all of your senses From toes to her crown Learn her with all of you Experience depth in this woman She opened herself reluctantly Trace her paths to tender heart Be harsh and she snaps off Gone away while you take Shattered inside and gone ~A.R.* Human Being Just Being Answers Out there Inside Some sought Some to hide Living breathing Breathe calmness Human Being Just Live ~A.R.* The night time poet Quill of ink Lashing words Toward ghosts Who listen eager For delightful tales Of Her and Them Or I perhaps ~A.R.* She has a smile Wears it fine Behind it pain Tired and torn A soul seeking Something more Strong she wars Battles unseen Wearing her crown A little askew ~A

Yes my arse. My butt. My anal area. Butthole. Ass. Yes. It is in pain. I was cut end to end Yes it was a cyst and benign this time. Good news. Being cut 8 to the area means at week 4 it is still raw and healing. Stitches across stitches. Add hip and pain at tops of femur. They are none too gentle when positioning to work on the butt. 😳 Mine are inflammed and screaming pain. Today I am angry, lonely and tired. It has been almost 6 years of this and I did not ask for ongoing life with Anal Cancer (look it up). I just want to get out. Be better. Depression hovers. Resiliancy is the only way. The rope may be burning my hands but I haven't let go.

Dreams that are bad are nightmares. Up it a notch and a person experiences Night Terror. Often a product of trauma of one sort or another. Events distorted by the haze of fitful rest. A guise of sleep. Entering distinct clear visions. Perhaps pieces of the past strung together in nonsense sequences. Trapped with all senses seemingly raw and alive within this dream. A dream. But a dream.. but not. Screams seem piercingly real. My dream...my terrors. My life alive in night terrors. Jumbled and frightening. I will wake abruptly, soaked in sweat, heart pounding. Anxiety will grab on as I am vulnerable. Defences down. Often I weep for what I cannot change. The desire to go forward is sapped of energy after nights of terror. Strings of these and exhaustion happens. No cure. I do my care. I have meds. I keep trying and working with my therapist. Hold on to hope each time I put my head down that this night will be free of mind fear.

Don't make a move. Don't even breathe. Pretend you're invisible. (Like sitting out in the living room was totally not noticable.) Shhhhhh... my mind was busy working on my predicament. Who was I fooling? I was caught. No place to run to. Face it head on!!, the mind says. I could feel my palms go sweaty with anticipation. Chin up girl, I tell myself. It's just allergies not tears.... Oh hell, how bad can it be? (Thinking commences...) I know.... I just know! It can be a nastiness like no other. I say nothing. Heart racing. Fight or flight kicks in. Hot cheeks. Anxiety...coming fast. I can't slow. I gotta go. I just have to. Panic is coming. Set off. I am triggered by the fear. Not knowing what will happen. Not stable. Unpredictable. I feel ill inside and out. Hide. Hide. Run. Mind on fire. I take flight. Dissasociated.

https://paypal.me/pools/c/8c1lgBe7Rl No bucket. I live today. Anal Cancer we are sparring! @AFR365 This is a fund to accomplish some of my living list while I am able. Please have a look. Any amount helps. Sometimes you just have to ask for what you need and hope. Up on my list: Train to Quebec City Butterfly Emporium Cambridge Toronto Aquarium and iFly Tour to Tobermory/ Manitoulin So much I would love to see and do. People I would love a chance to meet. 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞