Fairies and Dust

My mind wanders off to dance with fairies of the past. Yeah, deep. That's the feeling that overwhelmes. A depth in heart.

Wounded. 

That's my tale for today. I lost my step dad/dad/papa/pops, my 'Rock' 6 weeks ago. He was a blissful 87, just short of his 88th birthday. 

It was a brutal out/death. He was in a LTC that failed him in so many ways. Things they left undone until too late. I hurt for what I witnessed. Forever it is stuck in mind pictures. I feel I too let him down...yet I can almost hear him..." Now c'mon. You know better." He loved me. 

I have a therapist. That helps. The process is different for everyone forr each loss. 

I feel like I missed it....I didn't notice he got old. I didn't see the changes until Alzheimers had him. 

It felt quick...a year of him being lost. His end came quick after repeated fall. Then infection to stroke thus hospitalized. 2 weeks then returned to his LTC. He was in rapid decline not esting or drinking and not staying alert. 6 hard weeks, he got fluids in his lungs then pnuemonia, he parted this earth. I was there a few hours before and watched the brutality of his airless struggle. My heart in a thousand pieces. 

It is a thousand pieces of the life parts we shared. The things he taught me, took me, showed me, gave me, shared life tools ....now who will be that Pops?!?!??? 

Oh it hurts...

I linger in and out of grieving. Feeling tired and old. Dusty antique in human form. AS IS. Great Reno Project. May be haunted. Dust Bunnies Included. Not responsible....good luck. Lol. 

No. I have much to do. I am taking time to look after me. When I need to reach out I try hard to do so. I nap when I feel tired. I do what I need to keep the basics of clean done. And push to do more. 

I have goals and am achieving some steps for me. Support for those goals make a big difference. 

It is time to be like my Pops would want. Free to dream and free to be me, doing and seeing this life world. 

When my mind settles ...the fairies stop doing the jig...the dusty tools are clean...I will feel the heal enough....we will see where life takes me.