Con Man

I was 19 when I laid eyes on him. 

I was on at date and hitting the Dry AA club afterwards. I was in Al-Anon and this was a safe haven. 

The date had no connection. To the side there were pool tables. Someone was new! Cute too....

I would see him in passing several times. Open meetings were a regular thing for me in those days. I had friends and a few good groups I went to meetings.  

I was mending from a nervous breakdown (a story for another blog). My biological father was an alcoholic and it left its mark on me. I was where I needed and had a fabulous Sponsor. 

The guy was sneaking peaks. What a smile he had! 

They were obviously having fun. He was with AA men so I knew he was in the program. Getting sober and staying so was not a simple process.  

Most knew me. I was a regular at the club. After meetings and drop ins were keeping me on track. I was strong. Stronger than I had ever been.  

I knew this date was a bust. Letting this guy know was a big problem as he was stalking material. I learned after.

Back to the guy playing pool. He has big with blonde curly hair. His eyes were hazel and he had laugh lines. I was guessed him not much older than myself. I was 19. 

We met a few times more heading into winter. We hung with the same group. A bunch of kids raised by alcoholics or ones that were getting clean. It was support and big love between us. 

We would regularly bowl on Saturday nights. Often we were taking up 4 rows. We met for walks and talks. Group meals and common meetings. So much fun.

 

When the snow was big by January we planned a toboggan party. It was based from my parents home. Chili was on and everyone pitched in. We got bundled up and headed for the hills. 

The guy...Jim...was present. We were having sparks fly that day. He got his work truck stuck and there were those looks exchanged with big smiles as we dislodged it.

It was soon apparent the connection and we had our first date. 

I should have seen the signs. Things he shared about money and some scamming. His folks bailing him out of financial trouble before he was 21. Years of behavior.  I didn't understand the vastness of addiction. 

I was in love.

In the fall of 1992 we married.  I was almost 22 and thought we had the world going for us. We were deeply living the AA clean life. We were poor but happy in our little apartment.  

I found out little things with money.  For the most part we still had separate finances so I never saw where his money went. I just knew we were poor. I didn't make a lot starting out in a small Chiropractic office. I did my best. I had never known debt. I was raised to budget. 

He got a very good job at a car assembly plant. He was traveling 45 minute each way but he was making huge money with benefits etc. We really thought we were making it. I got a good raise. We moved up to a 2 bedroom apartment.  

We started to save for a house. I thought we were ok. He was busy.  He was out with his buddies.  Playing video games for hours on end. (I had seen this behavior before we married but I didn't connect it.) He was slacking on meetings. Most of all he was ignoring me. It was odd and I didn't know what to do but to try harder. 

I put away money and did without.  I tried to entice him. He just wasn't present.  We did start to look at houses. It gave me hope. We were ready. I was 26, he was nearly 29, and for me I had visions of a family. The start was building a real home.

We had our eye on a couple places we thought in our range. We were in the height of a building boom and prices were good. I called our investment advisor to see approximately how much we had saved all combined. 

It was the first time Patrick had been frosty and rude. He told me to ask my husband. I was confused. I was also at work and had time to stew. I called him to ask and the line was quiet. We'd talk when I got home. Two more hours of stewing....

I was hardly through the apartment door when he said " I'm in trouble ". 

By nature I fixed it. It was painful fighting and trying to mend and still follow the dream. 

We bought a house.  We rolled some debt. It was manageable.  We saved enough in 11 months for the down payment.  I knew if we stayed on track things would be good. 

I forgave him. I trusted he was getting help for his gambling problems.  Oh yes...that was part of his "in trouble " he was gambling with cards and bookies at work. A few other things with credit cards too. I was oblivious.  I felt stupid. I just wanted to get it all fixed and us better. I really loved him. 

When times were good they really were happy.  We had a nice home. A dog and cat. Friends and family.  

The next round was over 50 thousand in debt. He now had bookies and heding to the casinos. Debt on credit cards I knew nothing about. 

Promises were made. Things got rolled into our home and a big loan. I thought he was true. I thought he would never do that to us again. 

You know I feel stupid. Not seeing signs. 

He'd quit AA. He had bowling friends and work friends.  He'd go to arcade for hours. He'd change the clock and go gamble while i slept. He hid bills and got credit cards. Hiding the mail and covering debt calls. So much....

It did get better. Things were good. It would ebb away. Again. 

This part broke me. 

It was my everything blown apart. 

My husband was emotionally gone. 

I didn't know what I had done to lose his attention.

He owned we were going to lose everything.  His debt was about 100 thousand.  

It was New Years Eve Day. He was off. Nervous. Eyes down. He told me. I don't remember a lot after that. 

I didn't know then I had D.I.D. I was fragments and they were helping me cope. I do know I tried to fix it. Bank. House. Mortgage. Loans. So much. 

The pain burned. Do I stay? What is a future? How can I go alone? What is going to happen to me? What about our love? How can I trust? What have I done?

He'd conned me for the last time. But not really. Our parting would be 3 years of hell. I would take a financial beating.  They didn't recognize financial abuse. I paid. I paid.

Broken by the love to a Con Man.