The Nowhere Traveler

There are trials, impediments, limitations, many blocks and walls in life. Everyone faces them. Each person has different coping skills and ways to manage. Some are things that cannot be maneuvered. The wall is just there. 

I have a variety of life limitations. Some I manage, cope or are blocks. For me having moments of dissociation or full split away of personality D.I.D (and severe anxiety disorder) I am leary of meeting new people,  or going where I may struggle with anxiety and be misunderstood. 

I don't go far, and I am always in a struggle if it's unfamiliar. I get obscene fear. I feel ill. I get ill. It's awful when I can't control the feelings. I feel disheartened, sad, and embarrassed. I cannot be or do what many can. 

I can turn inwardly angry with myself.  I can be my worst, harsh, nasty critic. But berating myself does not 'fix' the inner disorder. 

I have done years of self work.  I have cycles of time I feel more free of this anxiety. I don't know what changes,  other than life stress, that sets me back in the cycle of fear. I become stuck.

Stuck meaning doing the basics of looking after myself become challenging. I deal with more agoraphobia (fear of going outside your safe place). I get up with anxiety. I can't breathe. 

Most days like this I will sit on my balcony... the fresh air and distraction of real life going by helps me. I don't even want to go in. I also don't want to leave my apartment when I am in. 

I have things to do. Places to go. People (like my ma) to see. I will have moments I just grab my purse and go get something. It is painful. I shake and feel ill. 

When I am out of the Nowhere...even if it's just a bit of time,  it's a win. I have to count all of them.  Being unable to travel beyond my comfort zone is a big achievement. It's a break to the cycle. 

I hope for strings of wins. To be able to break free of the Nowhere Traveller is a goal. A change in the anxiety cycle is needed for me right now. 

I know to stay in today.  To work on my path. To use my coping skills. Like each day I chose a task in my home. I make goals to go out. It may not be each day.  I take it slow. I stop the mind of 'shoulds'. As what I should is expectations and pressure that only breaks my will. 

Should come from learned standard.  It's a measuring stick no one can match. Undoing these learned measures and words to self are part of my own work.  

Daily I try to affirm I am a Somewhere Traveller. I have done it. I can do it. On my terms. It's OK. 

Travel as you can. Know it's Your journey and only yours!