5 Alive

I have an ongoing cancer. I had my 3 month check. I haven't been feeling right... I have more tests which is always stressful. I feel so many things. I need a break for awhile. This choice is mine in many respects I am surviving Anal Cancer. It is similar, in some respects to skin cancer. Mine starts small as spot and spreads like little cauliflower along the surface and then inward. If left its progression will be a huge risk to my sphyncter. Colostomy.... Mestasis.... For me it is a lot of unknowns. Oncology has brochures on all kinds of cancer but not mine. Information on the web is not always reliable or accurate or does not pertain to my scenario. There are few specialists in Ontario. The treatment available here is not as forward as other places. I feel so much. I feel numb. I feel devastated. I feel confused. I feel. Spin

Throwing away lines No standards or boxes She tossed aside it all Raw and exposed An end of chains Imposed and self enforced Series of Masks Scattered And here she whispered "I am lost in the dark" ~A.R. *

I have waking anxiety. I have been struggling with depression. It has bogged me down. Lack of sleep. Worry for worries sake. Life circumstances and I am overwhelmed by my life. Stuck in a place that I am falling further in depression. It is great for another to say "just think positive". What you think and what you feel do not always match. I want to be positive. I want to feel that happiness. I want to smile brightly from my heart. I have darkness. Rolling fog. I cannot find the positive switch. Flick it on. I can fake it. Looks good on the outside but dying within. Waking anxiety is brutal. I am running before I have lifted my head. Heart racing, sweats, tight chest. Fear on me with a mind feeding it. I breathe. Do slow stretching to distract. I tell myself I am ok. I am safe. Reality is not so much that way. Many parts of security are comprimised. My freedom...I live in apartment with my aging parents. Yes I have mental illness. It does not negate my abilities ...

I cannot be more than I am. I can stretch my limits. I push beyond my comfort. I will not please everyone. I must please me. Knock me down. Not enough. Hurt inside for this is all I have. I gave. To depletion. I took time to rebuild. Torn down again. Not right. Not perfect. Expectation not met. I am me. One person. Hurdles behind and hurdles again. I can only walk my path...often I crawl. See me. Accept me. Enjoy while I am here. That is all I can do. Focus on what is. In moments.

And then there was silence But never in her head A confusion and flurry Within her ~A.R* Survived Survived Again Survived Life's course With risk A list to fulfill Survive Before Eatten alive. ~A.R.* Of all the things I knew Of what I'd learned The life experienced Much still illlusive My heart Searching An answer Does it exist? ~A.R.* Held back One only Holding so much Running Freeing Shedding away Yesterdays' Dropped And disappated The tear ~A.R.* I won't be your puppet I am nobody's fool A promise is a deal Let's be real I be as I am Do not misunderstand Reach deep To understand Be there No games No deals It's now for me Let it be See ~A.R.*

Being the technical whiz is not my forte. I found a great 5 minute podcast explaing Disassociative Identity Disorder in laymans terms. Just s brief, very easy antidote that anyone could relate and understand.  I have no clue how to attach it to my blog. Check out @sundaynighton7’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/sundaynighton7/status/907137146712072192?s=09

Instead of living in the pain of my past I acknowledge it. Chosing to make it a foundation for today. It can be hard within our daily challenges to find find peace within ourselves. I will be who I am. Some things...like triggers will happen..crummy days where I do not feel gratitude. My point is trying to shift focus. Forward. Purpose. Facing today's challenges and finding tools and resourses to support my physical and mental health. I have learned many things in my life experiences. It's my story. I need to keep moving with it. Let life evolve and emerge. Doing it is the challenge! Accept nows stuff. Never easy. Focus on moments knowing that the today and tomorrows are mine. Staying mindful of each moment is difficult for me. Busy brain does not want to settle. (PTSD) One practice that does seem to help is Tea Meditation. Here is how Charlie K. (Charlie's Planet - blogger) describes it; The power of tea Practice mindfulness with a steaming hot cup of tea. Fe...