5 Alive

Layers unravelling Hidden beneath Keep peeling Away the shell Inside The core All layers gone Reveals Nothing ~A.R.* Lies and deception Land of no honour Turning backs Self agendas Look up Look away Look inside Where is the Win? Grab hands Hold tight One world One fight ~A.R* Traced around Innocence shattered Like porcelain white No tears to shed Trace the line Make the shape Once held this soul Forever lost ~A.R.* Morning comes Darkness hovers Broken mind Shattered heart No magic Slow heal ~A.R.*

Where was I? Some days...not as of late, but there were days I woke feeling good...long ago I had days of great and a period of rocking it. Inbetween always came the nasty, bury my head, waking anxiety or full panic, spinning minds, tears, fears and doomed, with "it's all a catastrophe just play dead". Often I was in a place that Dead sounded as if it called. "Free yourself. Unshackle yourself...come..leave that living hell.. Sleep the neverending sleep." I have had several plans in my life of going out that door with Death. Somehow, most often a person or several have pulled me out of that place in my mind. I am closely approaching another birthday. A bittersweet one at 48. My last was spent in the psych ward for suicide. Much was in my life that felt I was done. I could fight no more. It was hell. I have no words...I am still suffering for the 14 day stay. Terrifying. Our local hospital. Long ago it had been a place of help. They had outpatient service...

Who would want a relationship with me? I am suffering from mental illness. I fight for a happy moment. Physically I continue my cancer journey. It is not pretty. I am often alone. It is very hard. I want to live out my "List" of to do's. I want to share that with someone special. I have a few good friends. Busy lives of their own. I snuggle a teddy bear and extra pillows. I often think this is not much of a life. I fear that I am not ever going to feel that kind of love again. Damaged goods..

I have an ongoing cancer. I had my 3 month check. I haven't been feeling right... I have more tests which is always stressful. I feel so many things. I need a break for awhile. This choice is mine in many respects I am surviving Anal Cancer. It is similar, in some respects to skin cancer. Mine starts small as spot and spreads like little cauliflower along the surface and then inward. If left its progression will be a huge risk to my sphyncter. Colostomy.... Mestasis.... For me it is a lot of unknowns. Oncology has brochures on all kinds of cancer but not mine. Information on the web is not always reliable or accurate or does not pertain to my scenario. There are few specialists in Ontario. The treatment available here is not as forward as other places. I feel so much. I feel numb. I feel devastated. I feel confused. I feel. Spin

Throwing away lines No standards or boxes She tossed aside it all Raw and exposed An end of chains Imposed and self enforced Series of Masks Scattered And here she whispered "I am lost in the dark" ~A.R. *

I have waking anxiety. I have been struggling with depression. It has bogged me down. Lack of sleep. Worry for worries sake. Life circumstances and I am overwhelmed by my life. Stuck in a place that I am falling further in depression. It is great for another to say "just think positive". What you think and what you feel do not always match. I want to be positive. I want to feel that happiness. I want to smile brightly from my heart. I have darkness. Rolling fog. I cannot find the positive switch. Flick it on. I can fake it. Looks good on the outside but dying within. Waking anxiety is brutal. I am running before I have lifted my head. Heart racing, sweats, tight chest. Fear on me with a mind feeding it. I breathe. Do slow stretching to distract. I tell myself I am ok. I am safe. Reality is not so much that way. Many parts of security are comprimised. My freedom...I live in apartment with my aging parents. Yes I have mental illness. It does not negate my abilities ...

I cannot be more than I am. I can stretch my limits. I push beyond my comfort. I will not please everyone. I must please me. Knock me down. Not enough. Hurt inside for this is all I have. I gave. To depletion. I took time to rebuild. Torn down again. Not right. Not perfect. Expectation not met. I am me. One person. Hurdles behind and hurdles again. I can only walk my path...often I crawl. See me. Accept me. Enjoy while I am here. That is all I can do. Focus on what is. In moments.