5 Alive

The projects were some different distractions and yet non completion disheartening.  The focus was limited.  Her brain a buzz of thoughts.  Plummet...it happened quick. Perhaps a thought...something seen, a smell...they tears came fast and hot.  Her heart beat hard and her chest hurt.  Great sadness had her.  This is part of the process as told by the doctor, psychiatrist and alzheimers family counsellor. She was losing the man who raised her.  The non biological dad.  Papa.  Everything felt wrong. Her mind boggled at the fast changes in him. What it caused in her....so much. No fix. It was haywire.  Sharp, twisted, unknown, fear inducing, and sometimes had an added zap.

Your hand was so small in mine. I held tight and leaned so as not to lift you off your toes. At 3 you were only Wee with big brown eyes.  My bright little star.  I hated when I placed you on my shoulder and felt your hot tears. You were afraid. So often at bedtime this happened. I would never mind. It was more worrisome. I knelt beside your bed. My head on the side. You are tucked in but chatter away with questions.  Often I fall asleep before you.  So much is wrong and so much I don't know. Here for a bit each night. You gone to your fathers on weekends.  Your not mine in blood. But in my heart you are Wee one.  Forever you deserve the moons and the stars and beyond. My brave girl. I'll always be there for you.  Love Papa Don

When in hard situations I have learned that I often cannot fix,  answer, or be in I try to remember the DDI. I call the 3s.  People places and things where the "Gods Prayer" a " Hail Mary" may apply.  Often it's a horrid feeling of being stuck where you'd rather not.  Sometimes it is dealing with a person or people that cannot be appeased.  Maybe you have been in something similar.  The 3s Deflect, Defer, Ignore Deflect- Change the subject.                 Move away from the discussion.                Do not take the ' bait' on topics or                with people you know are looking                 for conflict to set you off. Defer -  I hear what your saying.                 I am sorry you are feeling that.           ...

My step father really raised me. He was the soft and the safe. A man that saved me in so many ways.  From 3 yrs old this man gave me the support and love that helped me survive the parts of my life he could do nothing about.  Many times he comforted and provided the safe from what he did not know.  He has fast progressing Alzheimers. I am not coping well at all. My cancer limbo seems so secondary.  I need him. We need him. Not easy add the DID...we are all grieving.  Many days I have felt I cannot go on.  Seemingly endless tears.  He said... " We are one of the greatest stories of live ever." Truth 💔

My heart was beyond heavy.  Tears flowed, seemingly without end.  The issues many.  Physical and emotional pain had me.  I felt this little fur paw on my arm.  Not pulling for attention.  He lay tight to my side.  All 6.2lbs of him.  My little dog.  I rubbed his fur hand.  He rest his head.  Like he knew. Myself not well. Papa not himself at all with Alzheimers. Low on doggy treats.  That he knew for sure. He Stayed.  And stayed.  Licking the salty tears away as they dropped.  My comfort.

We have faced many difficulties throughout life. Chaĺlenges, experiences, abuse, love, loss.... Our supports have been full at times.  Other times few.  Sometimes none.  We have been leaning hard on a friend we met through twitter.  He has become The Support. Besides my elderly folks I really have no one else close.  John is not close either. It's a five hour transit trip. 21/2 by car.  He has been to help comfort.  Help me when I am ill.  Take me to appointments, do my chores and far far more.  He knows all 5 well.  He will even read to Wee. Here or on the phone.  It is touching the care he has in him.  Wee calls him Jonjon. He is Her friend. Lol. John. So many words to thank you. You are loved here. Just as you are you, are the finest of friends. ♡

Motivated by so many issue that hit home and resonate. So many causes to champion for.  Where does my own movement begin and end? This is a difficult question with the agendas of 5 (Dissociative System). The 'bigs' have opinions and views that don't always meet. The 'Wee' does too.  I am me. Host. This is my life. I want to reflect my beliefs. Yet We are a compliation and my home, my clothing, even food speaks of the differences.  Again, where does my own movement or mission begin and end?  I have the obvious. PTSD With DID. I speak of my physical health issues thus challenging the beliefs about Anal Cancer, rare cancers, disabilty life and hpv virus.  My biggest hope is to show others that we are not so much different when it comes to coping and all need each other to helo us find our way, to hold on, a caring smile.  These days I am not well both ways. I am in a bad cycle. I know time and reaching out to others who are like me helps.  Answers will co...