5 Alive

A lifetime of living in the weeds of lies and reality manipulation it was her trials that led her to coping in ways many could not fathom.  Her mind was young and fragile. In the blasts of traumas it fragramented.  Building walls and seeking safe harbors.  It continued through her life.  The weeds followed. Added, she often made choices that had new weeds of mistruths and pain.  Relationships that dragged her back under. More weeds. A marriage failed after 13 years of her hopes dashed. Trust blown again. Her reality messed with repeatedly. Lies and addiction...the weeds covered her over. It was long years of resurfacing. Slowly peeking out to find life. The last relationship was 7 years. She thought she'd found her place. A person to go old with. Weeds grew. Betrayal. Left. Given a parting gift of hpv cancer.  10 years later, nearing 52, she wondered if the weeds would stop. She was breathing.  Peeking with hopes. Alone had become ok but no green grass...

Beyond my four walls What life to find Hopes to fill Connections to make Each day progressing  Out the door My haven left My four walls I've watched Days on end Freedom beyond Safe Harbour To expand A route to make For me To breathe Fresh air Beyond my four walls ~A.R.

I am drawn to you . I have no idea why, there is a warm feeling when I think of you.  Deeply I care. Putting my heart on my sleeve.  Yet, I know how much you could hurt me if you wanted to.  I feel a push - pull to you. Sometimes you give me your smile. Sometimes you swat me away. Harsh reality. My heart feels so much. This life is so short. Loved ones..the true kind..hard to come by.  I like you. Know this. Know I care so much. I am real. These are my truths. 

Wonderous world Curious soul Eyes I see You and me Days to battle Days to learn Moments of laughter In darkness Hold hands ~A.R.*

The wind had the smell of the lake on it. A slight view from the balcony, tonight under a heavy cloud dark sky. Noise of downtown street patios and traffic. A blend of Pub grub, and exhaust lingers in the humidity.  The wind was warm but welcomed. It seemed to be the hottest summer I could recall. It certainly had not been one I'd enjoyed. Life was dealing a cruel hand. I was exhausted.  Hurried, I crossed the quiet street. A parked car lights blinded me momentarily. It was just a car being started from a distance. I missed the days of all metal cars with their deep rumbles. Nowdays, they could do just about anything but cook you breakfast. Quiet and efficient.  My nerves were on alert. Once in I had the car running and I was quick to lock the doors. It was a warm haven. The seat heater was a blessing of comfort.  Something was bothering me. Not just the usual. I was about to do something new. Feeling hypervigilant. A few deep breaths and some luke warm coffee. I for...

" Row a bit there Babe, (Aka Ross..his real name but Babe stuck and would be used by his mother for a lifetime ) I am not doing all the work and then splitting the money if you won't even row! " his brother voiced.  Don was tired from diving the lake for bottles. Babe didn't even swim. Don could easily swim across the vast bay. These antics much to their fathers dismay, as he watched them from his cobblers bench window. They were, mostly the elder Don, always up to something.  Today it was the row boat and bottles. In those nineteen thirties and early forties there were few laws about tossing whatever into the lake. Bottles had deposits. It made diving for them worth a boy's day or more.  At its deepest Kempenfelt Bay was 136 ft. and almost 2 miles wide in places. You could not see it's 14 ft length. Many burbs and small towns dotting its banks.  Don was in the water. No mask and no fear. He dove again and again. Coming up, tossing his finds back into the boat...

I often question many things in life. I have a spiritual view of things. Energy in all things. A God....hmm...not sure. I do feel the connection to the sky. Perhaps, the vast beyond is where the answers lay.  Life has handed me many difficulties and tasks I feel are harsh.  I have also felt deep joys, happiness and love. Life, like vinegar and sugar.  Feeling lost after the death of my papa and many changes. Finding my ground has been difficult. In despair, many moments I turn to the sky. Day or night it's always there. Ever present. The stars never leave.  The sky. Energy of what has come and gone. I speak to the universe. To those who have left. I need help. I need answers. I want my pops back!  Help me Papa. My days are long and lonely. Anxiety has me by the throat. You always had my back. Always there to encourage me. I need your guidance.  I need your strength. I need your voice to tell me "it's going to be OK honey" like you always did. People tell me...