Grieve Out

The wind had the smell of the lake on it. A slight view from the balcony, tonight under a heavy cloud dark sky. Noise of downtown street patios and traffic. A blend of Pub grub, and exhaust lingers in the humidity. 

The wind was warm but welcomed. It seemed to be the hottest summer I could recall. It certainly had not been one I'd enjoyed. Life was dealing a cruel hand. I was exhausted. 

Hurried, I crossed the quiet street. A parked car lights blinded me momentarily. It was just a car being started from a distance. I missed the days of all metal cars with their deep rumbles. Nowdays, they could do just about anything but cook you breakfast. Quiet and efficient. 

My nerves were on alert. Once in I had the car running and I was quick to lock the doors. It was a warm haven. The seat heater was a blessing of comfort. 

Something was bothering me. Not just the usual. I was about to do something new. Feeling hypervigilant. A few deep breaths and some luke warm coffee. I forced myself calm. 

The ride was down old mainstreet. Out to the East end. The City was sprawling. Lots had changes in my 52 years. The buildings remaining were Stoic. Old 'mansions' of the 20s and 30s lined the streets.

Historical buildings protected by the local Heritage Society. They were still majestic.

Some with turrets. Garden rooms. They held the fabric of some of the Cities roots. 

These were the things that lightened my heart. A simpler time maybe. The twinkle of soft lights were soothing my mind. The relief rarely lasted. 

It was everywhere.  

Him, Pa! 

Gone....

Yet reminders. 

He was everywhere. 

My heart spent much time in my throat.

Caught in cycling grief. 

Complicated. 

The time spent in Alzheimers with my pa...the thoughts made me feel crazed. The hurt beyond a measure. It felt like it would never lift. 

Going out had become a terrible struggle.  The time in Covid closures and lockdowns  had taken their toll. 

I was so long being isolated. I was only out to see pa in care when allowed. A type of agoraphobia had set in. And alone with my grief was too much. 

It was time to reach out for help. I was off to see the grief counselor.